Saturday, August 31, 2013

Obama War Room: If It Were Done

OBAMA: So why not just dump this in Congress’s lap. Let them vote “no” on striking Syria and I’m off the hook.

: Too late for that, sir. Everyone will know it’s a dodge. We have to go through with a military response or look like idiots.

OBAMA: Okay, how about this? I’m having an emergency vasectomy at 3 this afternoon. My last words to the VP before I’m sedated are, “Order a surgical strike on . . .” And then I’m out. Joe, being cautious, hits some abandoned tanks in Damascus. He looks weak, that’s his problem.

: Geez, I’d love to Boss, but I’m scheduled for a colonoscopy at 3, so . . . uhh, excuse me! [runs off to the bathroom]

VALERIE JARRETT: Boehner’s next in line, sir. He might act decisively.

OBAMA: Not good. Instead of a ‘’shot across the bow,’’ he’d take Assad out and win the world’s approbation.

JARRETT: If we’re going to do nothing, then we need the mother of all distractions to get Syria off the front pages.

OBAMA: Like what?

JARRETT: Postpone the individual mandate. Or task ATF to begin confiscating firearms from Republicans. Or declare Detroit a ward of the federal government. Or . . .

OBAMA: No, gotta be Syria. I’m boxed in. NSA.


OBAMA: Implement Operation End Run.

BIDEN: End Run?

OBAMA: NSA has the launch codes for Israel’s nuclear tipped cruise missiles. Assad goes up in a mushroom cloud, the evidence clearly shows Israel made the shot. Iran and her surrogates attack Israel. We let them bloody each other before I step in to play peacemaker. In a weakened state, Israel agrees to share their country with the Palestinians. I get another Nobel Peace Prize.

JAY CARNEY: Tiger’s here for your short game tutorial, sir.

OBAMA: Syria can wait. Everyone stay putt--uh, put. I’ll be back in an hour.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

The Divider, Not the Uniter

OBAMA: [staring out window, talking to himself] If I attack Syria, the Russians will delay talks on U.S. nuclear disarmament to punish me. If I don’t attack Syria, I’ll get nailed by Rick Perry for being all chat and no battle. If I attack Syria . . . 

: [just arrived] Jay, what’s going on?

: He’s thinking out loud about what to do, sir.

: . . . maybe scare him enough into abdicating. If I don’t attack Syria, the North Koreans will know I’m a wimp and launch an invasion of South Korea. If I attack Syria . . .

: How long has this been going on?

: Almost four hours now.

: . . . I’d be aiding al-Qaeda, and maybe they’d be grateful and just attack foreign airlines with those surface-to-air missiles they got in Benghazi. If I don’t attack Syria . . .

: Sir, sir, you need to make a decision.

: . . . I won’t be stuck in the Situation Room this weekend and I can play golf. If . . .

: [shaking the president] Barack! Choose!

: All right. All right.

: Your orders, sir.

: One, send a third carrier group to the Eastern Med. Declare the waters around all three no-fly zones. That includes our aircraft.

Two, request that Israel airdrop into Syrian rebel-held territory enough gas masks for every man, woman, and child.

Three, check with Assad’s military people: perhaps they were aiming the poison gas missiles at rebel units and accidentally hit civilian neighborhoods. Offer the services of our experts to troubleshoot their targeting systems.

Where is U.N. Ambassador Powers this morning?

: On a cruise to Bermuda, sir.

: When she returns, instruct her to call for a special session of the Security Council. We are going to take the lead in this crisis.

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Obama War Room: Come On -- Do It

OBAMA: What is the matter with those people? I’ve given them more than enough reason to impeach me and distract everyone from my efforts to socialize America.

VALERIE JARRETT: It has to happen soon, sir. The general public is finally wising up to us.

OBAMA: Let’s go around the table. What can I do to encourage House Republicans to pull the trigger? HHS?

: An extra-judicial expansion of a woman’s right to choose, sir. I’ll announce that, under ObamaCare, an infant may be aborted up to one year after birth when sleep deprivation threatens the health of the mother.

OBAMA: Good! Treasury?
: I’ll require financial institutions to place 2% of all Roth savings into a special fund to be tapped only when union pensioners are at risk of losing their benefits.

: Nice. Defense?

: Pardon the Fort Hood shooter, sir. Explain you’re showing compassion because he acted out of deep religious conviction rather than malice.

: Should get me a little cred on the Arab Street, too. State? Where’s Kerry?

: Listening in while windsurfing off Nantucket, sir. I’ll put him on speaker.

: Here, sir. I propose a non-aggression treaty with Syria.

: Hmm. A twofer. It’ll outrage congressional hawks and scare hell out of Assad at the same time because he knows I always renege on my promises. NSA, any new outrages you can put out there?

: There’s nothing I can do to cause people to become even more fearful of their government, sir.

: Fair enough. Okay, I need one more killer suggestion that guarantees my impeachment. Anyone? Anyone?

ERIC HOLDER: Declare Trayvon Martin’s birthday a national holiday, sir. That should. . .

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE: Sharpton just arrived for the meeting. Tell him his new deodorant, Resist We Musk™, isn’t working. You hear me, Barack?

I'm Talkin' to You

Oval Office
Presidential Address 

My fellow Americans, 

Except for those who believe their lying eyes, Republicans continue to sabotage our economy in order to make me look bl—uh, bad. 

Or, if it serves your world view better, they are self-styled patriots determined to slow America’s steady march toward economic ruin and international irrelevance. Whatever. 

Twice I’ve sworn an oath to preserve, protect, and defend my right to interpret the Constitution as I see fit, and I intend to keep that promise. 

My allegiance to the Founders’ vision for America is trumped only by my conviction that they got it all wrong. One way or another, I will drag America into a post-Constitutional era in which the rule of law guarantees not just equality of opportunity but equality of outcome, inshallah. 

More than ever, I need a legislature I can completely ignore. Unfortunately, midterms are over a year away, a year likely to be marked by only limited progress in chipping away at your rights because of Congressional obstructionism. 

The time to act is now. As America’s premier Constitutional scholar, I am tonight modeling our cousins across the pond and declaring a vote of ´´no confidence´´ in Congress. Also, by the powers invested in me by me, I order its immediate dissolution. To Justice Scalia I say, how many divisions do you have? Stay out of this if you know what’s good for you. 

Elections will take place in November, 2014 for the 113th Congress. To streamline that body and eliminate gridlock, legislators will be chosen only from west and east coast states, along with representative interior urban centers, such as Chicago, Madison, and Detroit. 

My new Civilian National Security Force, led by Reverend General Louis Farrakhan, will monitor the vote. 

Good night, and peace be upon you.

[to someone off camera] 

What? Oh. I mean, may God help America

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Obama War Room: Balk Like an Egyptian

JOHN KERRY: General al-Sisi agreed to accept your call as soon as he’s finished executing someone, sir. He's giving you ten minutes.

OBAMA: What´ll that ten minutes cost us?

: Fifty M1A2 Abrams tanks and ten million hollow points in various calibers to help keep the peace. On line 2 now.

: General! Good to speak with you.

Ignore what you´re hearing, sir. Egypt will receive all twenty F-16 fighters, as promised.

Yes, U.S. law does forbid military aid to leaders of a coup d´etat However, my lawyers will argue that you’ve merely appropriated the media and are controlling the dissemination of news. We’re calling it a coup d’ata, which is a whole different kettle of fish.

Doesn´t matter if it flies. I’ll simply ship the planes, tanks, and ammunition to your Minister of Antiquities. What he does with them is his business.

I’m aware that unrest is spreading, sir. How may I assist you?

Unorthodox but logical, General. My Defense Secretary will coordinate with your people. We may yet stave off a civil war, inshallah. [hangs up]

: A plan, sir?

: The masses need a distraction before internal strife rips Egypt apart. Sisi requested a green light to attack Israel. I agreed. That will rally the country around the military.

: But when Israel recovers from the surprise . . .

: Then I’ll fly to Egypt and broker a peace between rounds of golf at the Katameya Dunes Lake Course in Cairo. Israel accedes or we cut off their aid.

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE: We’re going to Africa again? Let’s take Chicago’s entire South Side with us this time. They´re well-armed, so they´ll be safe in Cairo. We’ll need several aircraft carriers for transport. You hear me, Barack?

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Obama War Room: 9:00 a.m., 3:00 a.m.
What Difference Does It Make?

JAY CARNEY: (handing president phone) Biden, sir. Says it’s urgent.

: Cripes, Joe. I’m on the tee in five minutes. I told you to handle things while I’m on holiday. What’s the problem?

A massive blast, a mushroom cloud, and half of Manhattan gone. So? What do you want me to do about it?

Look, just say it was a gas line explosion that could have been prevented had Republicans not blocked investments in the nation’s infrastructure. And from now on I’m incommunicado, understand?

That’s just an expression, Joe. No, I haven’t converted to Catholicism. [hangs up] Sheesh!

VALERIE JARRETT: John Brennan’s on line 2, sir. His people estimate a 9 kiloton bomb detonated in Grand Central’s Main Concourse at 3 a.m. Brennan said he tried to call you but the White House switchboard wouldn’t put him through at that hour.

: It’s on Al Jazeera. Al Qaida’s already taken credit.

: Jay, tell what’s left of the Times and the alphabets to spike al Qaida’s claim. Put Director Brennan on speaker. [pause] John, how sure are you it was a nuke?

: A team from the Nuclear Regulatory Agency is on site, sir. They’re sure.

: Round those people up and have them sign non-disclosure agreements. Then give them new identities and disperse them throughout the country.

: We need a backup story in case the gas line story doesn’t fly, sir.

: Okay, um, a meteorite strike. Or an earthquake. You people work it out. I’m off to the course.

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE: Bo and I are helicoptering to Nantucket this afternoon for a run. I want the island evacuated between 2 and 4 to ensure our privacy. You hear me, Barack?