Sunday, August 25, 2013

Obama War Room: Come On -- Do It

OBAMA: What is the matter with those people? I’ve given them more than enough reason to impeach me and distract everyone from my efforts to socialize America.

VALERIE JARRETT: It has to happen soon, sir. The general public is finally wising up to us.

OBAMA: Let’s go around the table. What can I do to encourage House Republicans to pull the trigger? HHS?

: An extra-judicial expansion of a woman’s right to choose, sir. I’ll announce that, under ObamaCare, an infant may be aborted up to one year after birth when sleep deprivation threatens the health of the mother.

OBAMA: Good! Treasury?
: I’ll require financial institutions to place 2% of all Roth savings into a special fund to be tapped only when union pensioners are at risk of losing their benefits.

: Nice. Defense?

: Pardon the Fort Hood shooter, sir. Explain you’re showing compassion because he acted out of deep religious conviction rather than malice.

: Should get me a little cred on the Arab Street, too. State? Where’s Kerry?

: Listening in while windsurfing off Nantucket, sir. I’ll put him on speaker.

: Here, sir. I propose a non-aggression treaty with Syria.

: Hmm. A twofer. It’ll outrage congressional hawks and scare hell out of Assad at the same time because he knows I always renege on my promises. NSA, any new outrages you can put out there?

: There’s nothing I can do to cause people to become even more fearful of their government, sir.

: Fair enough. Okay, I need one more killer suggestion that guarantees my impeachment. Anyone? Anyone?

ERIC HOLDER: Declare Trayvon Martin’s birthday a national holiday, sir. That should. . .

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE: Sharpton just arrived for the meeting. Tell him his new deodorant, Resist We Musk™, isn’t working. You hear me, Barack?

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