MICHELLE: Lame ducks can still waddle around. Barack’s lost both flippers.
VALERIE JARRETT: We can’t take three more years. Can you get him to resign?
MICHELLE: [sigh] I guess. I’ll tell him to say he wants to spend more time with our dog, Bo. You should have seen them on the beach yesterday, racing each other to retrieve sticks. But Biden in the Oval Office?
HARRY REID: Absolutely not.
MICHELLE: The line of succession stipulates . . .
NANCY PELOSI: Dumb and dumber? Uh uh. It’s arranged: Biden leaves too in an act of loyalty to his Boss. You’re next in line.
MICHELLE: No, no. It’s the Speaker of the House who . . .
REID: Our Constitutional experts say the Founders’ language is open to interpretation. "House" and "Residence," as in "the Residence," are interchangeable. He was overheard on numerous occasions referring to you as "Speaker of the House" in the family quarters.
PELOSI: It’ll take years for the courts to resolve. In the meantime, we need a strong horse. Please.
[a week later]
MICHELLE: Agriculture, I want food stamp distribution kiosks in every Walmart by December. Eligibility requirement: a heartbeat. State, have a Smithsonian taxidermist prepare Assad’s head as a gift for Putin. Commerce, begin enforcing my edict prohibiting the transportation of junk food across state lines.
KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: My orders, Madame President?
MICHELLE: Promulgate the new ObamaCare mandate we just discovered in the text of the bill: if you’re a Democrat, you can keep your current medical insurance. If not, into the exchanges you go. Eric?
HOLDER: DOJ task forces are targeting Big Sugar, Big Fat, and Big Salt, as you ordered, sir.
MICHELLE: Good. Defense, did you get the ball rolling?
CHUCK HAGEL: Yes, sir. The USS Pink Fist, America’s first Virginia Class fast attack sub crewed entirely by women, will be commissioned in 2016.
MICHELLE: It's good to be the "Ma'am."