JAY CARNEY: New poll just in, sir. Congressional Republicans have fallen to virtually zero in job approval rating.
CARNEY: Spouses and children are still standing by them, for the most part.
OBAMA: Unacceptable. NSA?
GENERAL ALEXANDER: We’re ready with photoshopped assignations for every one of them, sir. On your word, the material goes to the Enquirer.
OBAMA: Not the Enquirer. Too hot for them. Make it the Times. Oh, General . . .
GENERAL ALEXANDER: Yes, sir?
OBAMA: My approval rating is now at 37%.
GENERAL ALEXANDER: I read that, sir.
OBAMA: Suspend all current NSA operations. Devote your resources to getting chapter and verse on the 63% of Americans who’ve expressed doubt about my stewardship.
CARNEY: Simpler to neutralize the media that instill those doubts, sir.
OBAMA: You’re right. Eric, launch a DOJ investigation of collusion between Fox, theWashington Times, National Review, Weekly Standard, Limbaugh and his wannabes, and other cogs in the lunatic right propaganda machine.
HOLDER: Collusion, sir?
OBAMA: Yes, they’re seeking to undermine the public’s faith in me and my administration. Call it a possible violation of our antitrust statutes.
VALERIE JARRETT: Barack, I’ve said it before: you’re polling down because . . .
OBAMA: I know, Val: because I’ve instructed agencies to make the public suffer. Yes, I’ve taken a hit. But with the help of our media friends, the GOP gets the lion’s share of the blame. A decent tradeoff.
CARNEY: National Parks Director Jarvis is on the line, sir. Wants to know if he should proceed with the next stage of . . .
OBAMA: Yes, tell Jarvis to open all national parks and recreation areas to the public—immediately. Concurrently, lock down all restroom facilities at those locations, and monitor them with armed personnel. I’ll issue an Executive Ordure—uh, Order—to cover him when it hits the fan.