Saturday, October 5, 2013

Ya Gotta Know When to Holder

Washington (AP) – Federal agents raided a House Republican caucus last evening, arresting all 232 members. In a news conference shortly afterward, Attorney General Eric Holder said the entire caucus will be held indefinitely for violating the Sedition Act of 1918. The charge: reckless disregard of the president’s agenda.

Q: Ed Henry, Fox News. The Sedition Act of 1918 was repealed in 1921, sir.

HOLDER: Hearsay, Ed. Rumors. Go try to find the original signed bill repealing the act. You won’t, because it doesn’t exist.

HENRY: (to himself) Yeah. Anymore.

Q: Art Shapiro, NPR. Was it really necessary to use dogs and fire hoses, sir?

HOLDER: I’ll let my newly appointed second-in-command answer that. He was in charge of the operation. Reverend Al?

SHARPTON: Resiskance was antipiquated, Art. We just took a pigeon outta Bull Connor’s book, is all. Payback is sweet. The dogs didn’t bite but three people. Vets immediately attended the animals as Harry Reid advised us some of those Republicans are rabid.

Q: Where are the detainees now, Mr. Attorney General?

HOLDER: Robert F. Kennedy Memorial Stadium/Holding Pen, along with members of their staffs.

Q: David Jackson, USA Today: Were those people read their rights, sir?

HOLDER: Yes, FBI agent Felipe Miranda addressed the group. He warned them that unless they sent a clean CR to the Senate, their immediate families would be picked up as well. 

: That was their Miranda warning?

: Spirit of the law, David.

: Mike Allen, Politico. What happens if Boehner doesn’t budge? How long are you prepared to hold the detainees?

: Until the D.C. United vs. Houston Dynamo game on the 27th, Mike. After that, Guantanamo. We’re implementing early release of the jihadists there now so we’ll have room to house the Republican terrorists if they don’t come to their senses.

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