Saturday, November 8, 2014

Election Day 2014: In the Bunker*


[klaxon sounds]

HARRY REID: Red Alert! Moving to DEFCON 1. 


CHUCK SCHUMER
: [pointing at monitor] Look here, Commander. Rumors of blowouts rising in the blogosphere.

REID
: Shoot them down! Target their launchers!

DICK DURBIN
: Landrieu’s reporting hits from precision-targeted spots. She’s requesting additional air support.

REID
: Do it. Triage Braley and Udall.

DURBIN
: Our troops are going house-to-house in Minnesota and meeting heavy resistance.

REID
: Dispatch force multiplier teams to Minneapolis, Duluth, and St. Paul.

DURBIN
: Distress calls coming in from from Begich, Pryor, and Shaheen.

REID
: Key in the pre-programmed Code Red emergency phone notification system in those zones. Message: ´´Warning! Wherever you are, lock your doors and stay inside until polls close and the danger of voting Republican has passed.´´

SCHUMER
: I’ll alert the network anchors to begin targeted disinformation on poll closing times.

DURBIN
: Commander, our people are in harm’s way. A word from you would raise morale.

REID
: I’ll text them this: ´´We shall fight them in the sushi bars, we shall fight them on the campuses, we shall fight them in the Starbucks. I shall remain a big spender. I have nothing to offer but mud, debt, and a shot and a beer at the Searchlight Nugget Casino.´´

SCHUMER
: What if we lose?

REID
: Then, may God, though he doesn’t exist, forgive me: I’ll ask the president to void the election, citing widespread voter fraud.

DURBIN
: Um, that was us, Commander.

REID
: Whatever.

DURBIN
: We can’t reschedule midterms until the DOJ investigation is complete . . . which means never.

REID
: Correct. So we’ll skip the 114th Congress. The 113th continues to sit until the 115th takes over in January 2017.

SCHUMER
: McConnell delenda est.


*Variation of a piece in You Hear Me, Barack? PC-Free Conservative Satire


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