Friday, March 13, 2015

Hillary War Room: You've Been Served

PAUL BEGALA: The e mail flap has the legs of a caterpillar, Excellency. We need a major distraction, and soon.

: Mistress, play your “Wronged little woman standing by her man” card again.

HILLARY: Of course! Bill, I’m calling a presser for you tomorrow morning. You’ll look sheepish, bite your lip, and confess to fertilizing six eggs that you know of while I was Secretary of Stasis.

BILL CLINTON: But honey, I didn’t . . .

HILLARY: Serpenthead, after the Big He blubbers through his confession, invite the media to attend a “Throw the bum out” photo op in Chappaqua at 5:00 p.m.



: As the cameras roll, I’ll toss his things out the window, vow to dissolve our mock marriage, and pledge to copy to the AP every e mail I write from now on.

LEWIS: With respect, Majesty, you’re going to need this likable rogue to secure the black vote next year. Rather than banishment, show magnanimity and offer forgiveness.

: Is there any other reason to overlook his predatory behavior?

LEWIS: Um, let’s see. Because he did the right thing by those women and paid to have their lifeless protoplasmic clumps of cells aborted?

: Good thinking. Paul, book us on Dr. Phil next week and Springer the week after. Tell them I want plenty of lamps on hand to hurl. We’ll extend our marital drama right up until Easter Sunday, when I’ll hold Bill’s hand and announce my candidacy to our good bud Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes. By then, even Trey Gowdy won’t remember why he wants me to appear before his committee.

: Dear, I don’t think . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. Do as you’re told or I won’t let you vet the interns when I’m president.