HUMA ABEDIN: [rushing in] Mistress! Mistress! FBI Director Comey's recommending your indictment for national security crimes!
HILLARY: Oh, really?
Hillary, Barack. Please advise the DOJ to reject action against me. Otherwise, as we discussed, Michelle receives photos of you smoking weed and noshing on Slim Jims in the Oval Office when she’s traveling.
You want the negatives? Ah ha ha ha ha; ah ha ha ha ha. [sigh] Nothing like a good cackle to lift my mood.
This is the 21st century, Mr. President. The "negatives" are in a cloud, along with copies of your college transcripts, medical records, state senate papers, original birth certificate, and audio of you asking Khamenei for his prayers, along with other things you don't want seeing the light of day.
BILL CLINTON: Jeez, Honey, you hate the guy, don't you?
HILLARY: Not true. He's "likable enough." Ah ha ha ha ha ha; ah ha ha ha ha ha.
HILLARY: Anticipated. Following the Director's resignation, Obama orders the EPA to revoke FOX's broadcast license for polluting the airwaves. Other media will hesitate to cross me.
LANNY DAVIS: If necessary, Sensei, allow me to defend you on the Sunday talk shows. All I ask in return is permission to lick your boots, plus a hair from your chinny-chin-chin for my scrapbook.
ROBBY MOOK: To be safe, Comey must be neutralized, Excellency.
HILLARY: Agreed. Huma, our campaign attack dog and his handler are outside. Bring them in.
[enter David Brock and George Soros]
George, remove his muzzle. Unleash him.
[gasps all around; Secret Service agents draw their weapons]
Stand down! He's harmless in my presence.
SOROS: Vhat vud you haff him do, Empress?
HILLARY: C'mere, boy. C'mon. [gives Brock a treat]. This is FBI Director Comey's file, boy. See? [flips pages] Take a sniff.
HILLARY: Open the door! Now go get him, boy. Release!
[Brock bounds out]
HILLARY: Monitor him, George. I want Comey's reputation savaged.
Hmm. Reminds me. Robby, get Elijah Cummings on the horn. On speaker.
MOOK: Congressman Cummings? I'm calling for . . .
CUMMINGS: The Select Committee is a travesty, sir. Chairman Gowdy's goal is to keep Hillary Clinton out of the White House. My task is to determine which facts fail the test of supporting our narrative and to do everything in my power to beat reality to a pulp in service to our cause. I will not rest until Republicans bear the blame for Secretary Clinton's incompetence, blah blah blah . . .
HILLARY: Elijah! Elijah! Stop! This is Hillary.
CUMMINGS: Hillary? Oh, sorry. I answer all my calls the same way. Defending you is a 24/7 job.
HILLARY: And you should be rewarded. Please consider becoming FBI Director after I'm elected. I'll need someone who views truth through the prism of loyalty to me. We’ll speak again. [hangs up]
PODESTA: He'll never get confirmed, Majesty.
HILLARY: I'll change the rules. No more confirmation hearings. I appoint the people I want. The House objects, let them impeach the first woman president.
BILL: Honey, I don't think . . .
HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. Tomorrow you leave for Florida to push my candidacy. You'll spend the next year canoodling for votes with blue hairs in convalescent homes and elder communities. Your Secret Service detail reports directly to me.
As penance for past sins, I'm lifting the "Keep it in your pants" prohibition. You'll do whatever's required to get the biddies to vote for me.
May God have mercy on your pole. Ah ha ha ha ha ha; ah ha ha ha ha ha.