Monday, November 21, 2016

Media War Room: Trick or Tweet

WASHPOST: We gotta drop the "Transition in Disarray" meme.  Pence is moving things along like nobody's business.  Other tacks?

NPR: Trump's a compulsive, impulsive Tweeter.  Let's put stories out there that provoke him to shoot from the hip before Bannon can stop him.

NYTIMES: Works for us. Tomorrow, we'll flip from the bungled transition to an above-the-fold piece titled, "Rush to Choose Cabinet May Come Back to Haunt Trump."

WASHPOST: Good!  His head will explode.  Our people will stir the pot with: "Experts Urge Trump to Give His Wealth to the Poor."

CBS: Hmm.  We’ll have Bill Plante push the story along on CBS Evening News one night this week.  How’s this: "Rift Developing Between President-elect, Ivanka over Disposition of Trump Billions." He'll cite an anonymous source close to the family.

: Who . . . ?

CBS: [winks] Plante's brother-in-law.  He's close to Bill's family.

CNN: Nice.  Now, we all know David Brock here.  George Soros has assigned him to assist our campaign of disinformation and provocation.

David, glad you're on the team.  You have an initiative to propose?

BROCK: I do. [passes out prints] A professionally photoshopped picture of Trump, Putin, and a donkey in a mé·nage à trois.

CNN: Ah, none of us can use . . .

BROCK: I know.  The boss's influence will get it into a tabloid.  When Trump sees it, he'll spark a Twitterstorm.  Then it’s big news and, however obliquely, you'll have to cover it.

CNN: Um, thank you, David.  We'll discuss your proposal and get back to you.

[exit Brock]

Jeez, they said he was loopy, but . . .

ABC: The Big Man doesn't like criticism of the people he’s been interviewing.  We'll resurrect a Romney slander, reporting the rumor that Romney flew to New York with his dog in the plane's wheel well.

NBC: Where did you hear this?

ABC: Nowhere.  I just said it. That's how rumors start.

NBC: We're targeting Sessions.  Friday, we'll run a piece on a researcher from Yale who claims he's discovered the genetic marker for racism. We've alerted Schumer. He'll demand Sessions undergo genome sequencing to rule out he's a carrier.  Trump will go crazy.

NPR: OK, a fine start.  Now, everyone join hands. Let's remember what we're about here: salvaging our tattered reputations as movers and shakers by bringing down this president.
  Our motto: The people have spoken and we don't care.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

Hillary War Room: 'Cause I'm a Clinton

HILLARY: Cough-cough-cough-cough-cough, damn cough, cough-cough . . .

: Honey, I've told you: put the thought of coughing, the fear of a fit, out of your mind, and it will stop.  Focus.

: You're right, cough-cough.  Anticipation sparks a reaction.  I will not even think that word.

: Good. You look a little rattled.  Can I get you a cough of cuppee?  I mean . . .

: Billlll . . . [a lamp flies]

[later, in a strategy meeting]

HILLARY: I don’t know about this.  If Streisand hadn’t persuaded me . . .

: I previewed the spot, darlin’.  Perfect!  Blows away your robotic persona by taking a page from Trump’s book. The rubes will see an in-your-face Hillary who’s PC-free, bold, brassy--and even a little sexy. And we finally got a take without another coughing jag.

: He’s right, my Liege.  We’ll run your takeoff of Peggy Lee’s

I'm A Woman [original lyrics by Jerry Leiber, Mike Stoller] in battleground states next week—if you approve.

: [sigh] All right. Show me.  Better be the cut where I appear mostly from the waist up.

: Sure is.  Play it, Mookie.

[On the monitor Hillary stands next to a piano chatting with John Legend at the keyboard.  She is rouged, red-lipped, and wearing a white pantsuit ensemble with three inch black pumps.  She turns and puts her hands on her hips. When the intro begins, she smiles suggestively and starts tapping her foot. The camera zooms in.]

I can BleachBit my e mails and laptops then flip a bird at the FBI
I can rake in cash as I please through my Foundation til the day I die
I can order the nets to sow talkin points like seeds across the land
Take a month off the trail, schmooze the rich in the Hamptons, return when I’m flush to beat the band
‘Cause I’m a Clinton! C-L-I-N-T-O-N, I’ll say it again

I can spew out a dozen lies and make you think they’re all true

Cuss an agent, rank my staff, and beat on Bill so he’s black and blue
Party with Cher on Saturday night, head home and drink til 3:00, then
Get up at 10:00, eat steak and grits, go to church and screech “Amen!”
‘Cause I’m a Clinton! C-L-I-N-T-O-N, hear me say it again 

If you come to me beggin you know I’m gonna make you pay

If you come to me with bad news you know I’m gonna ruin your day
If you crawl to me carping you know I’m gonna curse you and spit
If it’s pity you’re wantin, I’ll slap you and shame you, you snivelin twit
‘Cause I’m a Clinton! C-L-I-N-T-O-N, hear me say it again

I can break every rule in the book from now to End of Times!
I can laugh at Congress skirt the law commit a host of crimes!
I got a history of payback that proves there’s nobody I can’t screw
I can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear but I can make dupes outta you
'Cause I'm a Clinton! C-L-I-N-T-O-N, hear me say it again
'Cause I'm a Clinton! C-L-I-N-T-O-N, and that says it all

HILLARY: I like it. Where’s Huma?

: Off pouting somewhere. She wanted to include a verse extolling female genital mutilation and subjugation to Sharia, but we thought those issues could wait until after you’re elected.

: Reverend Sharpton on line 1, my Queen.

: Hi Al.  What’s up?  I don’t care what Jackson told you. You will be my Secretary of Reparations.  Yes, a Cabinet position.  Contingent, as we agreed, on your guarantee of 70% turnout and 95% support in designated black communities.  Well, better get busy. [hangs up] Ah, Huma, there you are.  Where have you been?

: Arranging for Anthony to be kidnapped and taken to Egypt to be stoned to death for unspeakable acts, Excellency.

: Probably best, my dear.

: The Post is reporting we have a good chance at picking up both the Senate and House, your Grace.

: From your lips to g-d’s ears, if he exists. Absent Congressional obstructionism, I can do a better job of chipping away at the Bill of Rights.

: Honey, we’re seeing some softening in a vital demographic: one-issue abortion righters.

: Troubling. I’ll issue a statement tomorrow supporting abortion of cell clumps up to six months after birth if the woman complains of sleep deprivation. 

: We’ll have expired Democrats voting in sufficient numbers to put you over the top in Pennsylvania and Ohio, Empress. By a simple stretch of the imagination, they qualify as absentee voters.

: No argument there.  Let’s do more outreach to the disembodied. Huma, channel Betty Friedan.  Ask her to found the League of Dead Women Voters. Mook, order up ten million Johnnie Cochranized bumper stickers: “If you’ve gone and died, don’t be denied.’’ Bill, use your mojo and book a rally at St. Patrick’s Cathedral on All Souls’ Day.

: Darlin’, I don’t think . . .

: Shuddup, Bill.  I don’t care what you think. Do what you’re told or I won’t let you vet the interns.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Hillary War Room: Lynchpin

HILLARY: What’d she say when you offered her four more years as AG?

BILL: She laughed in my face, darlin’.  Humiliatin!  Came close to tellin’ mah agents to escort her off the plane.

HUMA ABEDIN: It was her plane, spouse of she who must be obeyed.

HILLARY: Never mind. Did you up the inducement, as I instructed.

BILL: Ah did, dear.  Guaranteed her two terms as AG and a social membership at Burning Tree Country Club.

HUMA: I believe that is a men-only facility, my Queen.

HILLARY: For now. Bill?

BILL: She just laughed harder. Ah asked her what she wanted to sit on Comey’s recommendation until the end of time. You’re not gonna believe it.

HILLARY: Try me.  

BILL: Said she reveres the Constitution and thinks the system of checks and balances is broken.

HILLARY: What does that . . . ?

BILL: Claimed there’s only one way to set it right: get someone with skin in each branch to referee power grabs. So, you gotta support her for the open senate seat in Maryland and nominate her for SCOTUS on Day One.

HILLARY: Ohhkk. But those positions wouldn’t give her authority to . . .

BILL: Um, the DOJ would become the Department of Justice and Checks and Balances.

HILLARY: Well, that covers the bases. Is that it?

BILL: Nope. You make her your VP, too.

HILLARY: Lordy, I thought I was ambitious. So if I agree to her terms, we’re in the clear?

BILL: Um, no, you’re in the clear. Spiking indictments against me and Chelsea triggers a whole new set of demands.

HILLARY: Huma, reach out to Brock at Research and Destroy. On speaker.

DAVID BROCK: Yes, Excellency.

HILLARY: Put a couple of your gumshoes on the AG. Find out if she ever goes walking in Fort Marcy Park.