Wednesday, May 3, 2017

Cabal: Dawn of #TheResistance







Che Obama, Comandante
Michelle (Evita) Obama, Spiritual Leader of the Revolution
Valerie Jarrett, Obama Whisperer
Tom Perez, Chairman, RUN-D.N.C.
Keith Ellison, Muslim Outreach
Eric Holder, Counsel to the Revolution
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker-in-Waiting
Charles Schumer, Minority Misleader
Rachel Maddow, Flack
John Koskinen, Commissioner, I(ha)R(a)S(s)
Lois Lerner, Assistant to the Commissioner
Reverend Al Sharpton, CEO, Race-to-the-Bottom
Maxine Waters, 2020 Frontrunner
David Brock, Agitprop Planning
Harry Reid, Comic Relief
George Soros, Moneybags

OBAMA:  For the record, I’m calling this meeting to order at 9:00 a.m. after everyone except me, Evita, and Ms. Jarrett, has disrobed and had their bodily orifices checked for recording devices.

GEORGE SOROS:  Barrachhh, zat American flag outzide za widow iss giffing zum uff us ungst.

TOM PEREZ:  Brock, go out there and pull it down.  Run up the La Raza colors.

MICHELLE:  You have the floor, Commandante.

OBAMA:  Thank you.

Good and faithful sheep: I accept your petition that I lead our Party out of the wilderness into which I led it over 8 years ago.

As you know, the goal of this shadow organization is to undermine the usurper Trump and salvage what’s left of my legacy and the Democratic Party’s credibility—in that order--from the ruins of his administration.

As a mark of your fealty to me and to our cause, please rise, raise your right arm and make a fist, and repeat after me:


I pledge allegiance to the previous president of the United States of America, and to our country's decline, for which he’s planned, a fractured nation, its institutions highly risible, with penury and animus for all.

You may sit.

Several announcements before we turn to operational matters:

Congratulations to Congressman Ellison.  His new single, “Sharia, Baby,” reached number one on Radio Islam’s charts yesterday.  Last week, thanks to Attorney Holder, the judge dismissed Frankie Valli’s copyright infringement suit.  Keith’s earlier hits, “La Bomba” and “Farooq the Knife,” continue to do well.

CAIR is demanding that we push back against Detroit's so-called“female genital mutilation” story.  Rachel has graciously volunteered to go under the knife to show our support for the practice’s cultural relevance in the 21st century.

Finally, “The Barack Obama Show” debuts opposite Rush Limbaugh next week on Liberal Radio’s 4 stations.  We’ll open every day with Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m the Only One” to remind listeners that, well, I am.

MICHELLE:  Then, as Announcer, I’ll lead in with, “And now, coming to you live from Resistance Central, the Potentate of Progressivism, the Lord of Leftists, the Duke of Demagoguery, Barrracck Hus-SEIN Obaaaama!”

OBAMA:  Our call-in number will be 1-800-Alinsky.   No screener.  We’ll just take calls originating in Cambridge, Berkeley, and Madison.  A real cross-section of the American public.

MICHELLE:  No streaming or commercials.  Half-hour tape delay in case the teleprompter goes down or he wants a smoke.  Either Reverend Al or Rachel will sub for him when he needs a golf fix.

OBAMA:  And now to our first order of business: Tom, has your Mission Statement Committee completed its work?

PEREZ:   Not quite, sir.  We cribbed a little from the Catholic Church’s baptismal rite in the first line: “The Resistance rejects Trump and all his works and all his empty promises.”  Then we hit a wall on what we’re for following the revolution.

OBAMA:  Well, um, the end of chaos and anarchy, and [gulp] Maxine in the White House?

WATERS:  Bet your sweet ass.  First thing I do is paint it black and call it the Black House.

OBAMA:  Uh, Maxine, let’s worry about the aftermath another time.

VALERIE JARRETT:  John, Trump inexplicably left you in place as IhaRasS Commissoner.  What have you done with that gift?

KOSKINEN:  I hired Lois Lerner here off the books.  She’ll resume her assault on right-wingers who think they have standing to promote organizations expressing abhorrent views.  

OBAMA: Lois, thank you for your service. What are your plans?

LERNER:  Going forward, sir, conservative groups applying for tax exempt status will confront an even more invasive Inquisition playbook. Sample question: “How long after conception did each member of your organization feel pulled to the right?” Also, from now on we’ll consider applications from Tea Party groups prima facie evidence of law-breaking.

OBAMA:  Excellent.  Speaking of the Tea Party: they’re still a force to be reckoned with.  Surveys indicate our fever swampers want them attacked and humiliated.  Suggestions?  David?

BROCK:  We could surreptitiously sponsor a Tea Party rally in Beantown, abduct the leaders as they arrive in town, and throw them into Boston Harbor.  A riff on . . .

OBAMA:  The original Tea Party!  Clever.  Permission to proceed granted.  Reverend Al?

SHARPTON:  Too good for ‘em, Che.  I say we catnip the tea pirates, fillet them and spread their sweetbreads on America’s lawns, initializing a feeding francy on the bolly prolitic which will consume First Commandment diehards determined to Kaiser Permanente the status ho.

[silence]

OBAMA:  I can’t imagine Jesse Jackson expressing the thought any more plainly, Al.

For the time being, you can help us most by continuing to recruit top-flight knockout gamers to work the crowds at Trump’s rally next week in Dubuque.  Eric?

HOLDER:  I’ve met with the leaders of wilding teens from all fifty states, sir.  They’ve agreed to stop attacking malls and train stations.  Instead they’ll target Republican/conservative retreats, rallies, town halls, and the businesses of CEOs who support Trump.  Our friends in the media will continue to refer to them as youths letting off excess steam.

SHARPTON:  They better. Those kids are in the forecourt helping the Geek Fakes weave the travesty of our movement.

OBAMA:  Chuck, what’s the story in Washington?

SCHUMER:  Promising.  The opposition still doesn’t realize we want to trash normal order and precipitate a government breakdown, which our media familiars will blame on Trump and Republicans.

OBAMA:  Nice.  Nancy?

PELOSI:  What?

OBAMA:  Anything to add?

PELOSI:  Two plus two equals five?

MICHELLE:  Rachel, tell the orderlies outside she’s ready to leave.

OBAMA:  Moving on, how can we use the North Korea situation to our advantage?

DAVID BROCK:  Employ our NSA mole to trick Kim Young-Un into believing an attack is imminent.  He acts preemptively, the peninsula explodes, and Trump is excoriated for bumbling us into war.

OBAMA:  Perfect.  In that scenario, impeachment and conviction are assured.

SOROS:  Und den?   

WATERS:  Me, me, me, me!

OBAMA:  I dunno, Maxine.  At that point I think we improvise. 

HARRY REID:  Sounds like a plan

Author's note:

Never say "Never again."

Full disclosure: If some lines seem familiar, it's because I cannibalized some material from my book and blog to use in this piece.  Can't plagiarize yourself.


Thursday, January 5, 2017

Song of Myself: Imagining Obama Dropping His Mask

I'm standing here about to deliver a "farewell address" full of spin, and I'm thinking, I've been spinning my whole life, and I'm sick of it.  With only a few weeks left on the big stage, I feel . . . liberated.

Look, I'm tossing the prepared statement.  Josh, turn off the teleprompter.  Time to share the real skinny about who I am and where I tried to take the country.  Hint: I'm a divider, not a uniter.

But first, a tip of the hat to the folks who pegged me from the get-go, although you don't know the half of it.  And a "thank you" to the gullible millions who never figured out that for eight years I worked hard and played them for fools.

 



Twice I swore an oath to "preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."  In fact, the lip service I paid the yellowed document and the dead white men who wrote it obscured my real objective: transitioning America to a Nordics-style socialist state that would be free, free at last from the shackles of the Founders' prescriptions.

Imagine!  A government guided by a rule of law guaranteeing not equality of opportunity but equality of outcome, not freedom to speak freely but freedom to speak responsibly.
 

To get us to there, I had to convince you I was a good guy doing my best within a broken system.  I needed you fearful, uncertain of the future, and open to another way.  So I ordered my apparatchiks to devise policies and executive orders that weakened the military, screwed up healthcare, retarded economic growth, promoted civil unrest, and incited racial division.  Naturally, I was above it all, and blameless.

The unraveling began well.  But my efforts to turn the American dream into a nightmare and then into a nanny state stalled when Republicans took the House in 2010 and added the Senate in 2014. For the last six years, congressional obstructionism forced me to scale back my administration's assault on the biggest impediment to America's transformation: the Constitution.

Frustrating.  More than once I considered doing a "reverse parliamentarian"-- declaring a vote of "no confidence" in Congress and ordering its dissolution.  I regret not making the attempt.

Amazing how many never tumbled to a key element of my real agenda: to redistribute wealth so all might live in harmony and with dignity?  No!  No!  No!  I wanted to redistribute misery, not wealth.  I wanted the "haves" and "have nots" to become the "have somes" and the "don't have enoughs."  I wanted fiscal and civic chaos to spark public rejection of capitalism and representative democracy. ObamaCare was supposed to be the tipping point to a progressive revolution.

How ironic the post-election update from HHS suggesting millennials were beginning to enroll in numbers perhaps sufficient to save the private insurance industry from insolvency.

That was never my intent.  If you were between the ages of 27 and 45 when this turkey passed, maybe you didn't receive the memo: you're immortal. You don't need insurance, so don't enroll.  The fine is a joke.

I repeat: ObamaCare was meant to crash and burn.  And the process is well along.  Despite the uptick in enrollment, insurance companies are going belly-up, along with the "co-oops," as I like to call them.  I never intended to come to their rescue.  And now it's too late, even for the new administration.  Repeal and replace?  Don't make me laugh.  Are you ready for government healthcare?  You're welcome.

Not the game changer I'd hoped for, but a win is a win.

On another subject: I am happy to report the number of Americans who have given up looking for employment is approaching 100 million.  This eases the competition for our fifty million undocumented guest residents who need work until they are naturalized, register as Democrats, and are on the public dole.

I encourage the long-term unemployed who are unhappy with me to seek out opportunities in Honduras and Nicaragua. 


The Second Amendment remains a bone in my throat.  Recently, I realized the need to be creative in expelling it.  At my request, the United Nations has listed the U. S. a state sponsor of terrorism.  This designation will cut off the foreign markets of American firearms and ammunition manufacturers. The Donald will be a while untangling this knot.

I was disturbed to learn of the newly discovered shale rock deposits in West Texas and the 200 billion barrel oil field straddling North Dakota and Canada.  Exploitation of the latter, in particular, could drive the price of gasoline down to one dollar a gallon, threatening the sale of plug-in autos and the development of windmobiles.

Tonight I declare the entire state of North Dakota a national monument.

Yes, Canada will try to flood us with cheap fuel from their reserves. To thwart the predatory under-pricing of gasoline that would result, the EPA, which I'm today designating an entity independent of the federal government, will order refineries to produce costly new eco-friendly formulas for all grades.  Thus the price of gas will remain high without tax hikes that would hurt the middle class.

On international matters:


Last summer, at my urging, the World Health Organization declared American imperialism a contagion.  I asked State and Defense to look into the charge.  They identified the USS Stennis, Reagan, and Truman as carriers.  All three are now back home and in indefinite quarantine.

Good news from Ramsey Clark, my Special Envoy to Iran. The Iranians are so focused on building a nuclear weapon, they've cut back on mischief-making in Iraq and Afghanistan.  To encourage such behavior, I've offered to share "clean nuke" technology with Iran's military, and they appear receptive. This may be a breakthrough.  After all, neutron bombs are good for the environment.

Oh, a shout-out to Ayatollah Khomeini: should an Iranian attack on the Zionist state appear imminent before the inauguration, I will order a preemptive nuclear strike on the Israeli resort city of Eilat.  Iran would of course abort their action, and Israel would not then have cause to vaporize Tehran, saving millions of lives and denying the mullahs and ayatollahs their martyrdom.

On a personal note: people sometimes ask me if I am humbled by commanding the mightiest military on earth.  I am not. I've grown in office.  The bin Laden raid, troops in Syria and Libya, drone attacks in Pockeestan, DNC agents disrupting Tea Party rallies--I'm comfortable using force to advance a progressive agenda.

Russia. 
Everybody says Putin ate my lunch. Wrong.

Through a combination of bluster and pusillanimity, I tricked the thug into going all in on Syria with ships, armaments, and troops.  The adventure is costing Putin dearly.

True, certain Eastern European allies now doubt our commitment to protect them from the waking Bear.  As well they should.  I want Putin to start thinking about reconstituting the Warsaw Pact and extending Russian influence to the Atlantic as we pull back.

Understand, I'm playing the long game.  The only way to check a new Russian Empire is to encourage one resembling the old Soviet model.  Two years from now the country is bigger, bloated, and hidebound again.  More territory to defend, obscene military budgets, restive populations.  The USSR 2.0--a lumbering, doomed giant.  Meanwhile, we're sitting pretty on the sidelines, a no-threat former superpower watching it all go down.

To help things along, tomorrow I'll announce U.S. participation in Putin's proposed economic initiative to ease the transition to Russian hegemony on the Continent.  He's calling it the ´´Greater European Co-Prosperity Sphere.´´

A few more domestic notes: 


At Michelle's urging, I've ordered food stamp distribution kiosks established in every Walmart. This EO has been marked "unrescindable." Also, the permanent bureaucracy at Commerce will begin enforcing the First Lady’s edict prohibiting the transportation of junk food across state lines.

I'm done.  Ten minutes from now I'll be on Air Force One, heading back to our vacation compound in Hawaii.  Michelle likes her space, so she'll follow in Air Force Two with her mother and the girls. Accompanying us on several military transports: family friends, staffers and their families, loyal donors, and my favorite media familiars.  We're going to spend the last ten days of my presidency on the beach, with taxpayers funding a blowout lasting through the inauguration.

I offered to Skype in during the swearing-in to show some virtual respect, but Trump wasn't interested.

For those watching and listening who would like to be part of my permanent government-in-exile, e mail me at imstillD1@obama.com.

Ciao, and may God help America.


Author's note:

I’ve been writing Obama and Hillary satire for almost ten years.  Now Hillary’s done, and in a few weeks, Obama will be moving on, thank God.  As will I.  

“Song of Myself: Imagining Obama Dropping His Mask” is in part original and current and in part a retrospective that incorporates some favorite lines recycled from my book and blog.

And so . . .

Ms. Lucianne, thank you for everything.
Michael Walsh, I’m forever in your debt.
StormCnter, timber queen, you two are the best. 

Sayonara.

Steve Grammatico