HILLARY: "I cannot, yet I must. I must, but I cannot!"
BILL: Jeez, darlin', you need to get those lines from that awful sci-fi movie out of
your head. I know you’re uncomfortable campaigning, but . . .
HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill.
JAMES CARVILLE: Man’s right, Missus.
HILLARY: I guess. If only I didn’t have to interact with the little people when I travel the country as their champion.
JOHN PODESTA: Cheer up, my Queen. We’ve traded in your Scooby Doo van for a campaign bus-cum-armored personnel carrier. Amenities include Homeland Security’s new Blowback™ Water Cannon System, designed to keep the unwashed at bay.
HILLARY: Won't the unwashed be drawn to it?
PODESTA: Um . . .
BILL: She can’t hide in the vehicle for eighteen months, Johnny.
HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill.
CARVILLE: Man’s right again, Missus.
HILLARY: [sighs] I suppose. Solutions? Anyone?
ROBBY MOOK: Short term, Empress: we hit twenty diners next weekend in Iowa. Order your security detail to clear each restaurant before you arrive. Advance teams will emplace cardboard representations of real Americans having a meal. You’ll join the cutouts for coffee, listen to their concerns, and pose for photo ops.
HILLARY: And you are?
MOOK: Your campaign manager, Excellency . . . Robby Mook?
HILLARY: You’re making that up.
HUMA ABEDIN: Good news, Empress. American Muslims for Hillary spiritual mentor Sheikh Rahama Falel al-Munjir has issued a fatwa against anyone using a straw man argument to attack you. "Straw man" suggests a human being, and the creation of such images is a sinful act in the Sheikh's interpretation of Sunni Islam.
HILLARY: Add him to my list of candidates for Secretary of Muslim Outreach.
CARVILLE: Hey Huma. You still got Anthony aka Carlos Danger on a leash?
ABEDIN: Oh no, sir. Such practices are forbidden in our household.
BILL: Ah honey . . . we gotta reshoot the spot showing Grandma Clinton changing baby’s diaper.
HILLARY: Why?
BILL: You put it on backwards, with both feet in the same leg. They edited that out, as well as the diaper explosion. All that's left of the tape is you smiling at baby just before it all goes south . . . and north, and sideways.
HILLARY: Oh shit. I remember now.
ANN LEWIS: Mistress! Mistress! Téa Leoni and Meryl Streep just agreed to double for you in campaign sweeps this summer, but they insist you call and ask them personally right now. Mookie,Mookie, lend her your phone.
BILL: Precious, I kinda like Sharon Stone instead of Meryl Str . . .
HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. I don’t care what you want. You’re only around to get the blue hair vote. Behave and your ankle monitor comes off after I’m inaugurated.
 |
| Robot Monster - 1953 |
HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill.
JAMES CARVILLE: Man’s right, Missus.
HILLARY: I guess. If only I didn’t have to interact with the little people when I travel the country as their champion.
JOHN PODESTA: Cheer up, my Queen. We’ve traded in your Scooby Doo van for a campaign bus-cum-armored personnel carrier. Amenities include Homeland Security’s new Blowback™ Water Cannon System, designed to keep the unwashed at bay.
HILLARY: Won't the unwashed be drawn to it?
PODESTA: Um . . .
BILL: She can’t hide in the vehicle for eighteen months, Johnny.
HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill.
CARVILLE: Man’s right again, Missus.
HILLARY: [sighs] I suppose. Solutions? Anyone?
ROBBY MOOK: Short term, Empress: we hit twenty diners next weekend in Iowa. Order your security detail to clear each restaurant before you arrive. Advance teams will emplace cardboard representations of real Americans having a meal. You’ll join the cutouts for coffee, listen to their concerns, and pose for photo ops.
HILLARY: And you are?
HILLARY: You’re making that up.
HUMA ABEDIN: Good news, Empress. American Muslims for Hillary spiritual mentor Sheikh Rahama Falel al-Munjir has issued a fatwa against anyone using a straw man argument to attack you. "Straw man" suggests a human being, and the creation of such images is a sinful act in the Sheikh's interpretation of Sunni Islam.
HILLARY: Add him to my list of candidates for Secretary of Muslim Outreach.
CARVILLE: Hey Huma. You still got Anthony aka Carlos Danger on a leash?
ABEDIN: Oh no, sir. Such practices are forbidden in our household.
BILL: Ah honey . . . we gotta reshoot the spot showing Grandma Clinton changing baby’s diaper.
HILLARY: Why?
BILL: You put it on backwards, with both feet in the same leg. They edited that out, as well as the diaper explosion. All that's left of the tape is you smiling at baby just before it all goes south . . . and north, and sideways.
HILLARY: Oh shit. I remember now.
ANN LEWIS: Mistress! Mistress! Téa Leoni and Meryl Streep just agreed to double for you in campaign sweeps this summer, but they insist you call and ask them personally right now. Mookie,Mookie, lend her your phone.
BILL: Precious, I kinda like Sharon Stone instead of Meryl Str . . .
HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. I don’t care what you want. You’re only around to get the blue hair vote. Behave and your ankle monitor comes off after I’m inaugurated.
