[Begin live feed from the White House to the nation’s junior high school classrooms and remote learning centers.]
Hi boys and girls. Welcome to my home. I’m your Aunt Jill in Washington. I help your Uncle Sam take care of you and your mom, and your dad, too, if he hasn’t run off yet.
Today I want to introduce someone special, a person who knows
how we can spend our way out of debt, achieve world peace through abject submission, and
cause the stock market to plummet with a single mangled sentence. The president of the United
States, my husband, Joe Biden:
[Feed switches to the Command and Control bunker deep beneath the White House. The president is wearing a headset and sitting at a console with HD monitors showing real-time views of an FBI raid. He is issuing orders. At a break in the action, he swivels to face the camera, covers his mic, and whispers]
“Hey, kids. Good to see you. Hold on a sec. I’m just finishing up here.”
[The president turns back to direct the closing moments of the operation.]
“Zulu 1, secure perimeter. Zulu 2, apprehend individuals in white SUV fleeing north on First Street. Bravo 1: Standoff See-Through Radar® showing targets hiding in the stalls of a second floor bathroom. Wrap them up. All units: transport detainees ASAP to the DC hellhole where the J6 prisoners are rotting.”
[The president removes his headset, turns to the camera again, smiles, and speaks.]
I promised Aunt Jill I'd drop the dumber-than-a-doorbell act for our visit. Makes folks underestimate me, gives me an excuse for dodging questions. Anyway, you’re probably wondering about what you just saw.
As I explained the other day,
seditionists—traitors—coming off
the anniversary of the rebellion last year, have been viciously
criticizing me, my administration, and the January 6 Commission. It’s past time I acted.
Minutes ago, under my direction, FBI swat teams raided Republican National Committee headquarters here in Washington looking for some very bad people. They found them. I will not rest until all those who threaten the way of life I’m imposing on America are brought to justice.
Before we go on, please stand, place your right hand over your heart, look at the photo of me that had better be on the wall, and repeat after me: “I pledge allegiance--to the president--of the United States of America--and to our decline--for which he’s planned--one nation--under him highly risible--with penury and animus for all.” I appreciate your support.
Last year I spoke to America's kids about the importance of education. Today I’ll explain how you can help Democrats keep control of Congress this November and pave the way for my reelection in 2024, allowing me to abandon all pretense of being a uniter, and cementing my role as Divider-in-Chief.
People say I hate being criticized. That’s not true. I don’t mind criticism, as long as it’s unspoken. The First Amendment to the Constitution doesn’t allow people to trash or mock me. The Supreme Court has ruled it illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater or shout “You lie!” during a presidential address to a joint session of Congress.
Thanks to Attorney General Garland and the FBI, we know the grown-ups who are publicly abusing their free speech rights. What we'd like to know is the names of your classmates who hear bad things about me at the dinner table and repeat them at school.
So, I’ll ask a favor. In lunchrooms and bathrooms, during gym class and math class, whenever, wherever, if you overhear another student dissing me, report it to the political officer at your school--that'd be the teachers’ union rep.
I’ll bet you sometimes feel powerless at home. Maybe TV time is limited, or you aren’t permitted a computer in your bedroom. I believe in empowering young people. At my request, satellite and cable companies now include a children’s blocking option on their menus. Teachers will pass out codes for providers where you live. This means, when your folks tune in to Fox News, say, or a rerun of Supernanny, they’ll be redirected to MSNBC.
Boys and girls, everything I’ve done to make poorer countries less envious of us will be undone if I don’t win in 2024. No, you can’t vote—yet. I’m working on that. But you can use your imagination to support me in other ways.
I’m thinking about Mishaha Glynn, a fourth grader from East Abunni, Utah, who’s petitioning Family Court to force her parents to tithe her weekly allowance to my reelection campaign. And another youngster, Ritva Allembe, a sixth grader from Cheeseburg, Wisconsin, who’s been stealing her classmates’ bag lunches and tossing them into the dumpster after school. Why? More hungry kids, more federal aid, and more people voting for me to keep the aid coming. Ritva calls her initiative, “LunchWalker.”
[Aide hands president a note.]
Well, time to go. I’ve just received actionable intel on parents in O’Fallon, Missouri who are planning to assault their school board with questions at a meeting tonight.
So long, and may God blast America. [to off-camera aide] What?
