[President-elect-in-waiting-pending-last-minute-vote-fraud-filings addresses pool reporters. By his side is a leashed, snarling rottweiler with a Trump chew toy in its mouth.]
BIDEN: Hiya,
guys. This here's one of my dogs, Killer. I wouldn't make any sudden moves.
Coupla things.
First off, President
Trump’s refusal to secede because a computer glitch shifted a few million votes
my way in battlegrime states is the height of irresp...uhirre...irresponsihillbillity.
Now, we’re callin’ this a “press conference” for PR purposes but it’s more like a press “availability.” Get used to it. No back-and-forth. I talk, you listen.
REPORTER: But sir, why won't you . . .
BIDEN: [to dog] Git 'im, boy!
[reporter flees room screaming, with Killer in pursuit]
I warned 'em.
Anyway, people are still askin' me, "How'd ya do it, Joe. I tell 'em, my biggest constituency: absentee voters. They always come out for Democrats in numbers disproportionate to their existence.
And voting machines, God love 'em. ♫ Put another nickel in, in the nickelodeon, all I . . . ♫
[Out of camera range, Dr. Jill hissing]
What? Awright, awright.
Now to break some news. I see you’re bampuzzled by today’s set-up. Lemme explain. Dr. Jill’s come up with some new COVID-19 protocols which we’re following today and will be mandatory for the whole country ten minutes after I take the earth of orifice.
One, social distancin’ will be twenty feet instead of six. Explains why we could only squeeze eight of you in the room. And two, the coup de grape, Jill’s breakthrough solution for containment of the virus: COVID-19-resistant hazmat suits, prototypes of which you were issued before we began.
The new social distancin’
guideline and hazmat suit/mask mandate is a 24/7 deal, in effect as long as it takes to beat the virus. It applies everywhere, indoors and outdoors, and to everyone, newborns on up. No "family" exceptions. Meals are taken through straws, no personal contact, etc. Yeah, it’s gonna be tough on families,
especially with young kids. And the
economy? Fuhgeddaboutit! I intend to stamp out this plague even if
it kills us.
Dupont and Tyvek have agreed to convert their production lines and add shifts to meet an inauguration day target of 500 million hazmat suits in various sizes and plumbing options. The excess we’ll use to supply the 50 to 100 million immigrants and proto-Democrats who’ll wash over the border unimpeded once Trump is gone.
The order will also require pregnant women to register their condition in the first trimester and undergo a federally-financed procedure Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel --my administration’s Dr. Death—calls a [squints at teleprompter] “foetal maskiplasty,” to be performed as soon as a clump of cells has developed ears to hold a face-covering in place.
On another mutter, you may not see me for long stretches as I’ll probably fall and break something or have some cognitive crisis that requires institutionalization. I want to assure the country now that Dr. Jill is ready is ready to step up and keep Kamala in check. Hey, Jill thinks the 25th amendment can be twisted to apply to vice presidents.
One more thing before I doze off. Israel.
I am not anti-Israel as so many pundits have pronounced. I am pro-Palestinians. There's a difference.
Tell ya a story.
I met with Baby Netanyahu about ten years ago. At one point he says to me, “My people wonder if the U. S. will help us in our death struggle with Hamas, Hez Bulla Bulla, and Iran."
I replied that nobody's tried harder than me and Obama to defuse tensions in the Middle Kingdom.
And then, without consulting the president, I proposed a solution to end the stalemate and avoid war. I said, “Let the Pale Estinians have their country back, and we'll use our government's eminent domain power to carve out an 8000 square mile enclave for Israelis in West Texas in the, uh, Crawford area.”
He just laughed and accused me of wanting to stick it to Bush 43.
I am beat, so that's it for today. One more thing I want to tell the country: I may not always be at the wheel, but Dr. Jill and my handlers--whoever the hell they are--will steer the ship of state when I'm resting in the solarium on the fantail.
