BIDEN WAR ROOM: VARIANT (Bumped)

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Where the heck is that killer lockdown Covid variant you promised us, Fauci?

FAUCI [on screen from Shanghai]: I just finished negotiating dispersal protocols with the Chinese, sir. Here’s where things stand: On April 1st, Covid-22 will begin to ravage Southern China. By May 1st, up to 50,000 people will have succumbed, inoculating their government from charges it planned a new pandemic.

ANTHONY BLINKEN: In June, PLA transport ships will drop off 1000 newly infected Chinese nationals at the port of Veracruz They’ll form a caravan and head north to border crossings not in Texas.

ALEJANDRO MAYORKAS: The carriers will be well-provisioned for the march, under orders to share supplies with migrants coming up from Central America. By the time it reaches our border, the caravan may have as many as 20,000 people in various stages of the illness.

PETE BUTTIGIEG: As soon as they cross unimpeded, we’ll have buses waiting to take them to every nook and cranny of the country.

MAYORKAS: Americans will begin dropping like flies by mid-July, sir. You’ll issue your National Lockdown Executive Order before either convention. It’ll be Lockdown 2 on stilts.

BIDEN: A tough but courageous decision on my part to do what’s necessary to save lives. No one could claim I waffled. But I don’t want to weather this one in the White House basement.

JILL BIDEN: Of course, dear. There’s always Camp David and the beach house, not to mention billionaire Democrats offering us their homes in the Caribbean, Hawaii and Belize for the duration.

BIDEN: [whisper/singing a bit of the theme from the 1950s “Rawhide” tv show: “Rollin,’ rollin,’ rollin,’ keep those mail-ins comin,’ and ballot boxes hummin,’ my siiide.”

DAVID AXELROD: Afraid it’s not as simple this time, sir. Republicans are ready for our usual shenanigans.

MERRICK GARLAND: He’s right, sir. To be safe, you’d have to declare a national emergency and postpone federal elections indefinitely. My DoJ lawyers could use Article 1, Section 4 of the Constitution to tie up resolution of the matter for months, perhaps years.

BIDEN: Then I’ll be sittin’ pretty, like Scarface own the city, and the ones who call me dumb, they’ll be suckin’ on their thumb.

BLINKEN: Wow! Did you just make that up, sir? 

JILL BIDEN: No. He borrowed it from a rap Barack wrote ten years ago. When he’s in a good mood, he’ll dredge up something from way back that stuck in his mind.

BIDEN: “Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful bar roooom.”

GARLAND: I know that one. Who’s the artist?

JILL BIDEN: It’s a old group. He calls them The Fifth Dementia. Don’t ask.

BIDEN WAR ROOM: STOPPING THE SLIDE (Bumped)

BARACK OBAMA: Okay, there’s time to turn this around, Joe. The Dem brand is eroding but we still have the Squad and most of the Muslims, the generation ship welfarers, dead urban Democrats, feminists, the Greens, the LGBTQIA crowd, academe and their spawn, our media familiars, the Mediscared, Jews who’ll stay with us no matter what, pro choicers, enfranchised illegals, Antifa, and drug cartel members with dual citizenship.

DAVID AXELROD: Not enough, sir. We need another bloc to put us over the top.

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hey, you forgot “sucker moms,” Barack!

OBAMA: We’ve lost that demographic, Joe.

BIDEN: Not ‘’Soccer Moms”: ‘’Sucker Moms.’’ Single women who thought the boyfriend would stay around soon’s he found out there was a bâtard in the oven. Millions of 'em in swing states.

OBAMA: And you’re proposing?

BIDEN: I declare marital law—or is it ‘’common-law’’? Whatever. The Joint Chiefs issue a directive defining ‘’deserter’’ as any civilian male AWOL from his family unit. MPs are dispatched to find them and return rhem, wearing ankle bracelets, to their women

OBAMA: That’s good, Joe.

BIDEN: Also, I'll direct Homeland Security to transfer to Washington personnel who are busy ignoring human trafficking on the border. They’d team with FBI agents to track down deadbeat dads and make them pay.

OBAMA: You're cookin, my man.

BIDEN: To top it off, I'll find language in ObamaCare guaranteeing 24/7 Supernanny coverage, contingent on my reelection.

JILL BIDEN: I’d add no-cost tubal ligation. Insurance companies would be free to reject offering these benefits at their peril.

OBAMA: Women’s vote—check.

BIDEN: Less than a year before the vote. Can we keep a lid until then on the Iranians sinking the USS Eisenhower in the Strait of Hormel yesterday?

KJP: You mean the Strait of Hormuz, Mr. President. Hormel is an American company that makes Spam.

BIDEN: What are they doing in the Strait?

JILL BIDEN:   Time for your nap, Joe.

 

 

 

What Biden Might Say in a Lucid Interview (Bumped)

 RACHEL MADDOW: Um, your open borders policy is gutting you in the polls, sir.

BIDEN: Damn the polls! Outliers, Rachel. My gut tells me 96% of registered voters are OK with my invitation to the world’s poor to come to America and share in our bounty at their expense. And they accept the suffering I’ve inflicted on them in pursuit of a permanent Democratic majority, which we’ll have once we’ve fast-tracked citizenship for the refugees.

MADDOW: It’s not just the border, sir. The right, and some on the left, are saying you’ve gone too far in squandering our prosperity to achieve economic parity.

BIDEN: I need to get in the faces of the doubters and say, “You don’t get it, Buddy. I’m on your side. Rogan, Beck, Levin, Coulter, Musk, Hannity and the rest of the loony right are deliberately misrepresenting me. I’m not interested in redistributing wealth. I want to destroy it. The only way Americans will understand government is not the answer is to make it the answer. To paraphrase Marx, the sweetest sound of all is the crumbling of your countrymen’s certainties.

 MADDOW: Karl Marx?

BIDEN: Groucho. Look, Rachel-- civilizations are like people: they’re born, reach maturity , age, then die. One thing great cultures have in common before they become terminal: abundance. Look around you. Our country is so rich its poor are obese.

MADDOW: I think I understand, sir. Before you were elected, Americans were fat and happy, oblivious to history bearing down on them like a bullet train. Now we’re all spooked--we’re wondering if the economy’s going to implode, if North Korea will lob a nuke at Manhattan, if the Houthis will take out one of our carriers, or if you’ll set up a Palestinian enclave in the heartland.

BIDEN: Exactly. Uncertainty and fear are our friends. To weather the existential crisis we face, stave off the long, slow slide into oblivion, perhaps even emerge from the experience revitalized, we must become hungry and fearful, like the least of the nations that envy us now. As the sage opined, “Strive to be one of the many; being one of the few, eschew.”

 MADDOW: Gesundheit, sir.

 BIDEN: It was a quotation, Rachel. Master Po, “Kung Fu.”

MADDOW: So, you’re promoting a nanny state to wreck the economy in order to spark a new American Revolution?

BIDEN: Essentially, yes. In the Forestry service, they call it a “controlled burn.” Devastation, but from the ashes, growth. Couple hundred years, we take our place on the world stage again, stronger than ever.

MADDOW: You are a visionary, sir. But extremists in both parties will make trouble for you.

BIDEN: What happens, happens. “In dreams begin prosecutions.”

MADDOW: Um, F. Scott Fitzgerald?

 BIDEN: Jack Smith.

Biden on "Meet the Press" (Bumped)

KRISTEN WELKER: Let’s get right to it, sir. What will you say to say to Abbas and Netanyahu at next week’s summit?

BIDEN: I’ll demand Palestinians acknowledge Israel’s determination to stop another holocaust. And I’ll tell Baby our support is unconditional unless Israel refuses to recognize a Palestinian state bent on driving them… into… the…zzzz. [dozes off]

WELKER:[shouting] Sir, sir, stay with me! What’s happening in Gaza now?

BIDEN: [startled]: Where the pyramids are?

WELKER: No, that’s Giza. How about the West Bank?

BIDEN: The big savings and loan in Houston?

WELKER: Never mind. Can you estimate how many Isis/Hamas interlopers are in place in The U. S. today?

BIDEN: Interlopers? Um, [squints at notecards, puts them down] off the top of my head--the middle distance, a handful from Pakistan. Plus another fifty or so five kilometer specialists from northern Africa. And maybe a dozen marathoners from Somalia. The CIA keeps a running total.

WELKER: Is it true we’ve captured a top Isis commander in Syria?

BIDEN: Yes. He arrived in Washington last night and was immediately given his Miranda warning by the DoJ. After he had a good meal and decent night’s sleep, we began interrogating him this morning. I’ve authorized the CIA to waterballoon him, if necessary.

WELKER: Comment on rumors of a possible rapprochement with the Taliban.

BIDEN: Blinken ran a competition at State for the best “Let’s talk” invitation to them. Some guy on the Jamaican desk won with, “Come, Mr. Tali Ban. Dally, you’re bananas. Play this right, mon, we gonna stay home.”

WELKER: Finally, that big spy swap with Russia in 2010 when you were VP has never been fully explained—ten for them, four for us. A bad deal?

BIDEN: Not at all. Check the fine print on the Memorandum of Understanding: we got three more agents to be named later and a first round pick in next year’s draft. ”