[White House exercise facility]
MICHELLE: Well, come in, people. Lew, Carney, get over here and spot for me while I press 250. Everybody else, pull up a mat and sit so we can start.
JOE BIDEN: Huh? Why’s the Boss in the corner in his PJs staring out the window?
MICHELLE: He’s stressed out. I’m running things until his therapist clears him to continue denying there are scandals. Anybody got a problem with that?
DAN PFEIFFER: No Ma’am, but what set him off?
MICHELLE: Yesterday, he had to lay up on the first par 5 at Burning Tree and couldn’t choose between a 6-iron and 7-iron. Told his playing partners he wanted to sleep on it. At dinner, a steward asked what flavor parfait he preferred for dessert. He never decided. Midnight, he was still muttering, “I like the strawberry, but the peach appeals to me, too.”
VALERIE JARRETT: Deteriorating decision-making skills. It started right after he took office in 2008 and has gotten progressively worse. I mean, the CIA knew where bin Laden was hiding since mid-2009. He couldn’t pull the trigger. I had to use his autopen to sign the order authorizing the SEALs’ raid on Osama’s compound.
MICHELLE: Hmmph. He didn’t have a problem deciding on those chili dogs for lunch in public yesterday and stepping on my daily nutrition bulletin in the process.
Well, to business. Nancy, some of your members defected to the enemy on guns, taxes, Benghazi, and the IRS and NSA. I’m not happy.
NANCY PELOSI: Noted. Leadership’s scheduled a confab tonight with the recalcitrants in Rayburn B113.
PFEIFFER: But that’s the carpenters’ workshop in the sub-basement.
PELOSI: Correct. SEIU enforcers will restrain these people while I clip off their pinkies. A Smithsonian preservationist agreed to shrink the fingers and create a digital necklace for me to wear when I’m lobbying my caucus. I’ll tell them, “These little pinkies voted ‘nay.’”
By the way, I asked Anthony Weiner to come, too.
MICHELLE: Weiner? Why? He’s been out of office since . . .
PELOSI: Anthony embarrassed the party and got off easy by resigning. I’ve waited long enough for my pound of flesh.
MICHELLE: Pound?
PELOSI: Figure of speech. Anyway, call it an extreme circumcision. I’ll display the appendage in a jar of formaldehyde on my desk with a label reading, “Gentlemen, this is what happens when you think with your . . .”
MICHELLE: I get it. Hey, you’re leaving?
PELOSI: Call me if Waterwalker over there gets back on his game. [exits]
JARRETT: Typical jab. She doesn’t fear the President. Nobody fears him.
MICHELLE: Well, I’m not Barack. Kathleen, order the FDA to ban Botox for women over 70 because of a possible link to the development of megalomania.
KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: Good idea. Means less face time for her with the media.
MICHELLE: Let’s move on. Harry, what’s your plan to marginalize and frustrate Senate Republicans?
HARRY REID: Senate Democrats will vote to designate the late Robert Byrd as the Senate’s first posthumous Emeritus Senator, with limited floor rights. Disney’s Imagineers just delivered a Byrd automaton for use in the Senate chamber. It’s programmed to say, “Those amendments are out of order,” and, “The rules permit reconciliation,” and, “The Founders would be livid at Republican tactics.”
PFEIFFER: Some bad news: Senator Joe Manchin [D-WV] is threatening to change parties.
MICHELLE: Debbie, assign a DNC covert operator to break into his condo this weekend and leave an ear of corn under his pillow, shucked. And a note: “Stay in our crib—or else.”
DEBBIE WHASSUPMAN SHULTZ: An off ear he can’t refuse.
MICHELLE: Jack, where’s your report on bringing the world together through American largesse.
JACK LEW: Ma’am. I’m calling the proposal, “Tax Americana.” Ten trillion distributed abroad over the next five years. Half raised from new taxes and raids on pension funds, the other half from my printing presses. The world will love us.
BIDEN: Maybe. Right now, though, we better start showing the world some moxie. Iran just laughed off our warning not to do it again after they sank our carrier in the Persian Gulf.
MICHELLE: True. John, inform Putin the President will be displeased if Russia invades Poland. Carney, at today’s briefing, demand Assad return murdered Syrian dissidents’ bodies to their families. Lew, straight talk to China: they buy more Treasuries or we’ll print so much currency, the T-bills they now own will become worthless. Unfortunately, we still need their financing to become insolvent.
BIDEN: Looks like Palin’s getting set to run against the Boss next year, Ma’am. We gotta blunt her impact without turnin’ women off.
MICHELLE: Covered. I’ll be on the ticket with Barack. Joe, we’re moving you over to Veterans’ Affairs. Also . . .
[enter Attorney General]
ERIC HOLDER: Sorry to interrupt, Ma’am. Just got a text from Brennan at CIA. Says an anonymous caller claimed a Somali, Nadif Osman, will bring down International Airways Flight 227 tomorrow evening as it approaches New York. He’ll board in Hamburg wearing C4 plastique shoelaces and detonate in seat F124. A man named Osman is booked on the flight, but he’s not on our watchlists.
MICHELLE: Hmm. Anonymous caller. No red flags. That puts the “threat” at the low end of the probable cause threshold, Eric. Without correlating the name to your predicate, we can do nothing. So, we give this guy the benefit of the doubt.
HOLDER: Of course, Ma’am. But on the off chance he does try something and passengers attack and thwart him, ACLU attorneys will be on the tarmac to advise Mr. Osman of his rights the moment he disembarks.
[in the corner, Obama’s BlackBerry rings. He answers.]
MICHELLE: Barack, I thought I confiscated all your toys. Who is that?
OBAMA: Chris Matthews, dear. He wants to know what I’m wearing.
