NBC: The headlines write themselves should Trump blunder us into a war with the Norks. But if he knocks them off the board without a conflagration …
ABC: Don't even think that! We couldn't ignore the news or even spin it. He'd jump twenty points in the polls.
WASHPOST: Unacceptable. Suggestions to thwart that outcome?
NY TIMES: Hmm. Suppose we transform Kim Young-un into a sympathetic figure before The Donald can bring him to heel? Make Agent Orange look like the bully and warmonger.
WASHPOST: Yes! If Rocket Man's public image and poll numbers uptick, he'll resist outside pressure to denuclearize. To that end, we now spike Dear Little Leader's inflammatory rhetoric and continue to headline the President's aggressive tweets.
CBS: "60 Minutes" is running a piece on the Hermit Klingon this Sunday. We'll re-edit it to make him appear an essentially harmless young man in over his head, desperate to save his people from the horrors Trump's threatened.
ABC: Stephanopoulos will arrive in country Friday to document North Koreans' abiding affection for …
MEDIA MATTERS: [shouting] Stop! You're forgetting our purpose! What good does it do if Trump and Kim step back from the brink? We want war to break out, We want Japan and the Koreas to get vaporized. And if we're lucky, an NK ICBM makes it here and takes out Podunk. Don't you understand?
WASHPOST: He's right. Won't matter how or why it happened, only that it happened on Trump's watch. The House and Senate next year, the Presidency in 2020--ours for the taking at the cost of some collateral damage to a fraction of the world's population.
PBS: How do we light this firecracker?
NY TIMES: Easy peasy. Our mole in the NSA hacks into Kim's early warning system to simulate B-1Bs entering North Korean airspace. The balloon goes up. BADA BOOM! Above the fold next day: TRUMP MISCALCULATES, MILLIONS DIE.
CBS: Then, while impeachment proceeds, we blast the President’s pathetic efforts to deal with the devastation he caused.
WASHPOST: Join hands. Remember, we owe it to the American people, to all humanity, to check the nutcase in the Oval Office.