Media War Room: Whatever It Fakes

You can see from the date of this piece that I've been on hiatus for a while.  

What visitors to this blog should know is that there are approximately 45 pieces downstream from the one below, with titles like "Hillary War Room: Robot Monster," "Obama War Room: Grapes of Roth," "Suffer the Children," "Cabinet of Ludicrousities," "'Bama in the Dock: A Parody of Ernest Thayer's 'Casey at the Bat,'" and a whole lot more.  I think they're all funny, but of course I would.

Feel free to browse the older posts.

NBC:  The headlines write themselves should Trump blunder us into a war with the Norks.  But if he knocks them off the board without a conflagration …

ABC:  Don't even think that!  We couldn't ignore the news or even spin it.  He'd jump twenty points in the polls.

WASHPOST:  Unacceptable.  Suggestions to thwart that outcome?

NY TIMES:  Hmm.  Suppose we transform Kim Young-un into a sympathetic figure before The Donald can bring him to heel?  Make Agent Orange look like the bully and warmonger.

WASHPOST:  Yes!  If Rocket Man's public image and poll numbers uptick, he'll resist outside pressure to denuclearize.  To that end, we now spike Dear Little Leader's inflammatory rhetoric and continue to headline the President's aggressive tweets.

CBS:  "60 Minutes" is running a piece on the Hermit Klingon this Sunday.  We'll re-edit it to make him appear an essentially harmless young man in over his head, desperate to save his people from the horrors Trump's threatened.

 PBS:  Good.  Our shop will torpedo the administration's "madman" line by moving Sesame Street production facilities and staff to Pyongyang for a month of episodes. We'll cast some malnourished kids to put a human face on the suffering U. S. sanctions are inflicting on innocents there.

ABC:  Stephanopoulos will arrive in country Friday to document North Koreans' abiding affection for …

MEDIA MATTERS: [shouting] Stop! You're forgetting our purpose! What good does it do if Trump and Kim step back from the brink?  We want war to break out,  We want Japan and the Koreas to get vaporized.  And if we're lucky, an NK ICBM makes it here and takes out Podunk.  Don't you understand?

[pause]

WASHPOST:  He's right.   Won't matter how or why it happened, only that it happened on Trump's watch.  The House and Senate next year, the Presidency in 2020--ours for the taking at the cost of some collateral damage to a fraction of the world's population.

PBS:  How do we light this firecracker?

NY TIMES:  Easy peasy.  Our mole in the NSA hacks into Kim's early warning system to simulate B-1Bs entering North Korean airspace. The balloon goes up. BADA BOOM!  Above the fold next day: TRUMP MISCALCULATES, MILLIONS DIE.

CBS:  Then, while impeachment proceeds, we blast the President’s pathetic efforts to deal with the devastation he caused. 

WASHPOST:  Join hands.  Remember, we owe it to the American people, to all humanity, to check the nutcase in the Oval Office.

Cabal: Dawn of #TheResistance

Che Obama, Comandante

Michelle (Evita) Obama, Spiritual Leader of the Revolution

Valerie Jarrett, Obama Whisperer

Tom Perez, Chairman, RUN-D.N.C.

Keith Ellison, Muslim Outreach

Eric Holder, Counsel to the Revolution

Nancy Pelosi, Speaker-in-Waiting

Charles Schumer, Minority Misleader

Rachel Maddow, Flack
John Koskinen, Commissioner, I(ha)R(a)S(s)
Lois Lerner, Assistant to the Commissioner

Reverend Al Sharpton, CEO, Race-to-the-Bottom

Maxine Waters, 2020 Frontrunner

David Brock, Agitprop Planning

Harry Reid, Comic Relief

George Soros, Moneybags

OBAMA:  For the record, I’m calling this meeting to order at 9:00 a.m. after everyone except me, Evita, and Ms. Jarrett, has disrobed and had their bodily orifices checked for recording devices.

GEORGE SOROS:  Barrachhh, zat American flag outzide za widow iss giffing zum uff us ungst.

TOM PEREZ:  Brock, go out there and pull it down.  Run up the La Raza colors.

MICHELLE:  You have the floor, Commandante.

OBAMA:  Thank you.

Good and faithful sheep: I accept your petition that I lead our Party out of the wilderness into which I led it over 8 years ago.

As you know, the goal of this shadow organization is to undermine the usurper Trump and salvage what’s left of my legacy and the Democratic Party’s credibility—in that order--from the ruins of his administration.

As a mark of your fealty to me and to our cause, please rise, raise your right arm and make a fist, and repeat after me:

I pledge allegiance to the previous president of the United States of America, and to our country's decline, for which he’s planned, a fractured nation, its institutions highly risible, with penury and animus for all.

You may sit.

Several announcements before we turn to operational matters:

Congratulations to Congressman Ellison.  His new single, “Sharia, Baby,” reached number one on Radio Islam’s charts yesterday.  Last week, thanks to Attorney Holder, the judge dismissed Frankie Valli’s copyright infringement suit.  Keith’s earlier hits, “La Bomba” and “Farooq the Knife,” continue to do well.

CAIR is demanding that we push back against Detroit's so-called“female genital mutilation” story.  Rachel has graciously volunteered to go under the knife to show our support for the practice’s cultural relevance in the 21st century.

Finally, “The Barack Obama Show” debuts opposite Rush Limbaugh next week on Liberal Radio’s 4 stations.  We’ll open every day with Melissa Etheridge’s “I’m the Only One” to remind listeners that, well, I am.

MICHELLE:  Then, as Announcer, I’ll lead in with, “And now, coming to you live from Resistance Central, the Potentate of Progressivism, the Lord of Leftists, the Duke of Demagoguery, Barrracck Hus-SEIN Obaaaama!”

OBAMA:  Our call-in number will be 1-800-Alinsky.   No screener.  We’ll just take calls originating in Cambridge, Berkeley, and Madison.  A real cross-section of the American public.

MICHELLE:  No streaming or commercials.  Half-hour tape delay in case the teleprompter goes down or he wants a smoke.  Either Reverend Al or Rachel will sub for him when he needs a golf fix.

OBAMA:  And now to our first order of business: Tom, has your Mission Statement Committee completed its work?

PEREZ:   Not quite, sir.  We cribbed a little from the Catholic Church’s baptismal rite in the first line: “The Resistance rejects Trump and all his works and all his empty promises.”  Then we hit a wall on what we’re for following the revolution.

OBAMA:  Well, um, the end of chaos and anarchy, and [gulp] Maxine in the White House?

WATERS:  Bet your sweet ass.  First thing I do is paint it black and call it the Black House.

OBAMA:  Uh, Maxine, let’s worry about the aftermath another time.

VALERIE JARRETT:  John, Trump inexplicably left you in place as IhaRasS Commissoner.  What have you done with that gift?

KOSKINEN:  I hired Lois Lerner here off the books.  She’ll resume her assault on right-wingers who think they have standing to promote organizations expressing abhorrent views.  

OBAMA: Lois, thank you for your service. What are your plans?

LERNER:  Going forward, sir, conservative groups applying for tax exempt status will confront an even more invasive Inquisition playbook. Sample question: “How long after conception did each member of your organization feel pulled to the right?” Also, from now on we’ll consider applications from Tea Party groups prima facie evidence of law-breaking.

OBAMA:  Excellent.  Speaking of the Tea Party: they’re still a force to be reckoned with.  Surveys indicate our fever swampers want them attacked and humiliated.  Suggestions?  David?

BROCK:  We could surreptitiously sponsor a Tea Party rally in Beantown, abduct the leaders as they arrive in town, and throw them into Boston Harbor.  A riff on . . .

OBAMA:  The original Tea Party!  Clever.  Permission to proceed granted.  Reverend Al?

SHARPTON:  Too good for ‘em, Che.  I say we catnip the tea pirates, fillet them and spread their sweetbreads on America’s lawns, initializing a feeding francy on the bolly prolitic which will consume First Commandment diehards determined to Kaiser Permanente the status ho.

[silence]

OBAMA:  I can’t imagine Jesse Jackson expressing the thought any more plainly, Al.

For the time being, you can help us most by continuing to recruit top-flight knockout gamers to work the crowds at Trump’s rally next week in Dubuque.  Eric?

HOLDER:  I’ve met with the leaders of wilding teens from all fifty states, sir.  They’ve agreed to stop attacking malls and train stations.  Instead they’ll target Republican/conservative retreats, rallies, town halls, and the businesses of CEOs who support Trump.  Our friends in the media will continue to refer to them as youths letting off excess steam.

SHARPTON:  They better. Those kids are in the forecourt helping the Geek Fakes weave the travesty of our movement.

OBAMA:  Chuck, what’s the story in Washington?

SCHUMER:  Promising.  The opposition still doesn’t realize we want to trash normal order and precipitate a government breakdown, which our media familiars will blame on Trump and Republicans.

OBAMA:  Nice.  Nancy?

PELOSI:  What?

OBAMA:  Anything to add?

PELOSI:  Two plus two equals five?

MICHELLE:  Rachel, tell the orderlies outside she’s ready to leave.

OBAMA:  Moving on, how can we use the North Korea situation to our advantage?

DAVID BROCK:  Employ our NSA mole to trick Kim Young-Un into believing an attack is imminent.  He acts preemptively, the peninsula explodes, and Trump is excoriated for bumbling us into war.

OBAMA:  Perfect.  In that scenario, impeachment and conviction are assured.

SOROS:  Und den?   

WATERS:  Me, me, me, me!

OBAMA:  I dunno, Maxine.  At that point I think we improvise. 

HARRY REID:  Sounds like a plan

Author's note:

Never say "Never again."

Full disclosure: If some lines seem familiar, it's because I cannibalized some material from my book and blog to use in this piece.  Can't plagiarize yourself.