OBAMA: So I told them, “Zero Dark Thirty" is a farce; they made me a footnote. So the big guys agreed to do a remake. Lucas will produce and Spielberg will direct "Barack CoJones and the Devil’s Lair," with Denzel Washington playing me and Cat Stevens as Osama.
Hagel, order SEAL Team Six released from their official duties during production to play themselves.
KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: I’ll announce healthcare waivers for Paramount, Lucasfilm Ltd., and Amblin Entertainment tomorrow morning, Mr. President.
DAN PFEIFFER: We should beef up your macho bona fides in the short term, sir, to keep Republicans intimidated.
VALERIE JARRETT: Tie it into family values, sir. Visit your destitute brother in Africa and give him a few bucks. Then go into the bush without the Secret Service and kill a lion with a spear. Gutsier than Palin shooting a moose with a 30-06 at two hundred yards.
OBAMA: I’ll do that once I force Netanyahu to risk national suicide for a shot at peace.
JARRETT: The vice president arrived, sir—I think.
[enter Biden wearing surgical gloves, mask, and scrubs]
OBAMA: What’s with the getup, Joe? You look like you’re attending an autopsy.
BIDEN: This outfit? My driver sneezed on the way over; and I saw a gate guard wipin’ his nose. Maybe some contagion’s goin’ down. So I went right to Medical and got protection. We might hafta quarantine Washington, like FDR did in ’55.
OBAMA: I’ll, uh, think about it.
Joe, you’re heading my Select Commission on “Kicking the Can down the Road on Iran.” Where are they at right now?
BIDEN: [checks wall map] Same place as yesterday.
OBAMA: The bomb, Joe.
BIDEN: We estimate they’ll have two Hiroshima-level nukes by Labor Day. Our forces in the region remain on alert and are prepared take out Israel’s air force if an attack on Iran appears imminent.
JARRETT: That would certainly give the lie to wingnuts who say you don’t have the guts for preemptive action, sir.
BIDEN: Hey, I gotta tinkle, Big Guy. Gimme a minute. [leaves]
PFEIFFER: Sir, now’s the time.
OBAMA: I know, I know. This better work, Dan. Man’s driving me crazy: calling every five minutes, waylaying me after meetings. This morning, I caught him in the Oval Office addressing the nation.
[Biden returns]
OBAMA: Joe, a special assignment for you.
BIDEN: Whassup, Boss? Wahmeeta go to Russia, straighten Putin out? Or plug my tripartite plan for D.C. to the Post? How ‘bout a budget debate with Ryan Paul on "Meet the Press"? Just say the word.
OBAMA: None of those, Joe. Actually, I’m appointing you roving ambassador to Smalltown, USA. You’ll be my, uh, what’s that title I’m giving him, Dan?
PFEIFFER: Ijit, sir. Rhymes with widget.
BIDEN: Ijit?
OBAMA: It’s a Native American honorific, Joe—Ojibwa, I think. Means, ‘’simple, plain-spoken man.” You’ll start in Oregon and work east through election night 2014, visiting every hamlet and telling folks my plans for the country. Joe, historians will acclaim you the Obama Administration’s Village Ijit.
BIDEN: I’m on it, Chief. I’ll leave tomorrow, report in daily.
OBAMA: Godspeed, Joe. Watch your topknot out there.
Ah, he’s gone. Val, tell the switchboard to shunt his calls to State. What’s my schedule today?
JARRETT: You’re meeting a delegation of Comanches at ten, sir. You’ll present a federal eminent domain order giving back the tribe’s ancestral West Texas homeland--Governor Perry’s turf, incidentally. Afterwards you leave for an aerial survey of damage to golf courses in the storm-ravaged South.
PFEIFFER: Regarding your approval ratings among Hispanics, Majestad: they’re looking at Rubio and Cruz and slipping away from our hacienda. Could be trouble for you in ’16.
OBAMA: Time to crank up the rumor mill. Jay, ask Maddow to find a genealogist who’ll swear the Rubio family’s roots are Italian, not Cuban. Tell our National Council of La Raza and Reconquista contacts to push the meme. As for Cruz, let’s muddy his heritage waters: release a blizzard of press releases spelling his name C-r-u-i-s-e.
JAY CARNEY: Si, Padrone. I’ll alert the Times and the alphabets what we’re about.
PFEIFFER: Presidente, Hispanics will flock to your banner if we expel gringos from Arizona and California and cede the states to Mexico. Quid pro quo: Mexico allows Norte Americanos reeling from the Obama economy to cross the border in search of work.
JARRETT: Naming that refitted navy minesweeper after Cesar Chavez didn’t have much impact on Hispanics, Caudillo.
OBAMA: Get the Vatican on the horn. I’ll put Chavez in for sainthood and tell Pope Francis I want it fast-tracked.
PFEIFFER: Sir, Christie appears to be getting ready to take you on next go-round. We should knock him down a peg.
JAY CARNEY: I’ll commission a poll with this question: “Does Governor Christie’s inability to control his weight make it more likely or less likely you’ll vote for him?”
PFEIFFER: Sir, Barney Frank and his sister, Ann Lewis, are here to advise you on the housing crisis.
OBAMA: Right. Headsets on, everyone. Ms. Lewis will provide simultaneous translation.
FRANK/LEWIS: Good news, sir: foreclosures are increasing. Bad news: not fast enough. Unless we act now, no catastrophic economic event to rally the nation around you and the Party occurs before November 2014.
OBAMA: Damn! Can we accelerate the timetable for fiscal Armageddon?
FRANK/LEWIS: One possibility, sir: mandating home ownership by every citizen over 21.
OBAMA: Okay. Jack, tell banks to start lending again as if their charters depended on it. Dan, advise Fannie and Freddie to open the spigots wide, and stonewall the Inquisitors on the House Financial Services Committee.
LEW: Sir, HUD will need your Civilian National Security Force to evict non-compliants from their apartments and cardboard boxes and force them into homes.
OBAMA: Not enough units are ready. Is Blackwater still hiring out mercenaries?
[enter Michelle]
Oh, Jay, Michelle has something to say to you. She speaks for me.
MICHELLE: You’re not working out, Carney. So, back to Biden you go. Word is he’s leaving tomorrow on a long trip. Better get home and pack.
OBAMA: Chris Matthews, aka Tweety, will be my new Press Secretary, everyone.
MICHELLE: I still don’t like the way he looks at you. Keep the door open when you’re alone in a room with him. You hear me, Barack?
