President Biden’s Secret, Select International Commission on Disarming American Citizens
PRESENT:
President Joe Biden (remotely
from bathroom)
Dr. Jill Biden
Barack Obama, the Man Behind the Curtain
President of China, Xi Jinping
Charles Schumer, Senate Majority Misleader
Nancy Pelosi, Squeaker of the House
Michael Bloomberg, Bankroller
Barbra Streisand, Celebrity Busybody
Tony Morgazzo, President, Brotherhood of Muggers and Breakers and Enterers
Piers Morgan, Hands Across the Water Foundation
BIDEN: Awright, let’s get started. No palimentary crap like, “The Chair recognizes so-and-so,” “Who wants to have a movement,” or “I second the notion,” yada, yada. Just gimme your ideas and I´ll talk it over with the Boss.
OBAMA: Sounds good, Joe.
TONY MORGAZZO: You’ll never get all the guns, Mr. President. I suggest the government continues to buy up ammo. Better yet, order Consumer Affairs to shut down ammunition manufacturers because of high concentrations of lead in their products. Ban importation for the same reason.
BIDEN: That would cost us jobs. Get the same result by requiring producers to sell all their product to Homeland Security, law enforcement, and Defense. Homeland Security alone needs 5000 rounds of hollow points for every man, woman, and child in the country.
PRESIDENT XI: Confucius say, “Outlaw bullets, only outlaws will have bullets.” [puzzled silence]
BIDEN: Did you just make a suggestion, President Xi?
SENATOR SCHUMER: I’m not sure, but I think he means a ban will result in a flourishing civilian black market in rounds.
XI: To limit such activity, approve China as sole supplier to American gun owners of reasonably priced, reduced lead, powder-lite ™ cartridges.
BIDEN: Nice. In time, people’ll get used to guns that just go “pfhit.” You got a face on you, Tony. What’s the problem?
MORGAZZO: Yeah: “in time.” But potential marks still got a lota ammo stocked up out there. My guys need protection from unexpected resistance as they ply their trade
BIDEN: Mandatory year in the clink for obstructing a felony—that work for you?
BARBRA STREISAND: What about high-capacity magazines?
BIDEN: Covered, Babs. Gun World, Guns and Ammo, the rest,
USPS has classified “gun porn.” No delivery.
MORGAN: You chaps need to disarm your police, like we did our Bobbies.
SCHUMER: Mayor?
BLOOMBERG: Pilot project starts next week in Los Angeles. Police officers may carry their weapons only in station houses, not on patrol where they’re more likely to be used.
BIDEN: Enough jabbering. Time to act.
I'll address the country this afternoon; tell people they can have a national debate about guns until midnight. Then I'll sign the Executive Order President Obama wrote for me in my own words: It reads:
“Anything fires a projectile, any projectile, it’s banned.
Clear enough for ya? No handguns, no rifles, no bazookas, no crossbows, no BB shooters, no nerf guns, no slingshots, no water pistols. No exceptions.
Whatever weapons you got now that foul afall of the order—uh, fall afoul of the order—you pile at the curb and my new Civilian National Security Corpse will come by and collect ‘em. You wanna appeal to the Supremes, go ahead. Guess which branch of government enforces their decrees—or not."
Gimme five, Piers.
