Obama War Room: I Want To Be Loved By You

MICHELLE: Well, come in, everybody.  Take a seat. We have a problem,

JOE BIDEN: Huh? Why’s the Boss sitting in the corner in his pjs

MICHELLE: He’s depressed about Mandela.

VALERIE JARRETT: Well, that’s underst . . .

MICHELLE: More than depressed. He’s sulking, too. Mandela’s death reminds him he’ll have to die to get all the love and adulation he deserves. Thinks it’s unfair he won’t be able to share in the sorrow at his passing. Anyway, I’m running things until his therapist clears him for duty.

BIDEN: Lemme talk to ‘im. [goes over to the president] Hey Chief, snap outta it. Mandela was one of a kind. For the world to love you that much, why, you’d, you’d . . .

OBAMA: Say it, Joe.

BIDEN: You’d need to be removed from office, exiled to an island, eventually released, go back  into public service in support of the revolution, then croak.

OBAMA: Exactly, and I‘m good with that scenario, except for the last part. Joe, I’m tired of the presidency. The thrill is gone. There’s nothing else out there sufficient to test my abilities and give me Mandela-like status.

BIDEN: You’ve done way more than necessary to be unfairly impeached, but House Republicans have no spine.

JARRETT: Sir, there is a way: instruct the Capitol Police to arrest Boehner and disband the House. Then they’ll have to act. Reid will oblige you with a trumped-up conviction. Afterwards, place yourself under house arrest on Martha’s Vineyard.

OBAMA: Hmm. Then this fall, President Biden pardons me and ends my ordeal on the Vineyard. He names me Community Organizer to the World. When I’m 60, Michelle stages  a living funeral for me so that I can participate in the celebration of my life. Yes, that’s the way to go. Excuse me, I’m off to begin writing my eulogy.

Obama War Room: Grapes of Roth*

JOE BIDEN: Man, the wingnuts are gonna smoke us in midterms because of ObamaCaca. Two years of Boehner and McConnell drivin’ the bus while we’re sittin’ in back scratchin’ our . . .

OBAMA: Uh uh, Joe. Republicans controlling both Houses would be problematic only if I respected the Constitution. Still, it would be easier if we kept the Senate. Valerie has a plan.

JARRETT: Yes, we stop talking about health care and tell our media allies to stop reporting on it. Then we launch a sustained attack on the GOP's positions on our issues--open borders, abortion on demand until the blob of protoplasm has lived one year outside the womb, lifetime unemployment benefits, and so on.

JAY CARNEY: Soros's PAC has an immigration ad in the can. They'll run it whenever we say. Opens with a Latino woman breastfeeding her baby at home when Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s SWAT team storms in, arrests her for exposing herself to a minor, carts her to the Rio Grande, throws her in, and laughs as she paddles to Mexico. The voiceover: “It’s 2015 and Republicans control Congress."

OBAMA: Okay! What happens to the baby?

CARNEY: Orphanage. Right out of Dickens.

OBAMA: Works for me. Other distractions.

BIDEN: I'm addressin' NARAL next week, Chief. I’ll tell the ladies Boehner wants to discourage abortions by requiring women to register their uteri with HHS. That’ll be good for a coupla news cycles.

DAN PFIEFFER: How about this, sir: a House Democrat switches parties, then introduces a bill criminalizing the application of makeup while driving.

OBAMA: Good. Let's go positive, too. Chuck?

HAGEL: Announce disbandment of the INS, sir. Millions of know-nothings will cheer you for eliminating the IRS.

JARRETT: That would save us a bundle, Mr. President, and promote hassle-free passage into the U. S. of landscapers from Juárez and Tegucigalpa.

OBAMA: Wonderful. Streisand's always looking for people to tend her Shangri-La estate in Malibu. Other ideas?

JACK LEW: Sell China drilling rights off the coasts of Florida and California, sir, then have our enviros tie up the deal with litigation. If the court rules for the companies, a DNC black ops team will blow a wellhead, setting exploiters back a decade. Your hands would be clean.

OBAMA: No way we can let those rigs produce. Gasoline’s four bucks a gallon right now, a far cry from our $10 a gallon goal. Last thing I want is more product and lower prices.

JARRETT: You haven’t responded to China’s offer to lease California and build mega-manufactories staffed by restive Muslims from Xinxiang Province.

OBAMA: I dunno. The Chinese say they just want “Made in the USA” tags on their stuff. Sounds harmless enough, but something smells wrong. Stall them. John?

KERRY: French President Hollande called, sir. He’ll accept return of Jefferson’s 1803 Louisiana Purchase and refund our $15 million payment, minus a 20% restocking fee.

OBAMA: Tempting. Get rid of Texas and a couple other red states. That it?

LEW: McConnell and Boehner laughed when I suggested Treasury assume management of the trillions sitting in IRAs, sir. Too bad. The investments we might have made in America’s future.

BIDEN: Wienies. Argentina’s government had the guts to take control of the country’s private pension funds. Argentina! A tinpot regime shows the world’s most progressive declinin’ superpower howda do it.

OBAMA: Jack, what about the windfall tax revenue you promised from this year’s one time Roth IRA “Pay the IRS now, profit later” conversion deal?

LEW: The public hasn’t bought into the promotion, sir. Frankly, only an idiot would pay taxes proactively while you’re in office.

JARRETT: Mr. President, why not go after the Roth trove itself ? Most of that money’s owned by the richest 40%, people who don’t need the funds but invested in Roths to help their children and grandchildren evade responsibility for the fix we’re bequeathing them.

BIDEN: Won’t work, Val . The Hill will never legislate a surtax on Roth withdrawals.

OBAMA: Val’s not talking some measly 10% surtax, Joe. I want it all. Val, how do we do manage that?

JARRETT: Go Argentina one better: citing fiscal eminent domain, nationalize Roth accounts. Holder can drag out the court fight through 2016.

OBAMA: Brilliant! With more money than God, I‘ll buy off enough legislatures to repeal the 22nd Amendment.

LEW: Related matter, sir: Barney Frank says the Republicans are undoing all the damage he did with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac during his tenure as Chair of the House Financial Services Committee. He wants a firewall to stop them.

PFEIFFER: Barney’s right. Took years of neglect for Fannie and Freddie to become a bureaucratic rats' nest. Republicans are cleaning it out.

OBAMA: I’ll appropriate those organizations and place them in trust with Treasury. Jack, recharter the two as “Fannie Mae I” and “Freddie Mac the Knife,” the government’s fully owned “tough love” lenders [snort]. I’ll ask budget hawks Paul Krugman and John Kenneth Galbraith to serve as CEOs.

PFEIFFER: Galbraith’s dead, sir.

OBAMA: True. But when critics say his agency reeks of corruption, we’ll have a counter.

*Adapted from You Hear Me, Barack?

Obama War Room: My Site Has Fallen and It Can't Get Up

OBAMA: Who’re they?

KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: Jennifer and Buffy, sir. Just came in yesterday with an IT team from Santa Clara. They’ll troubleshoot billing transactions and premium calculations on the back end.

JENNIFER: Omygawd! I can’t believe, like, I’m talking to the president! The job’s a beatch, sir, way bad, but we are so like totally turned on by the challenge. Right, Buff?

BUFFY: Well, duh, gag me with a spoon--we didn’t come like 3000 miles to play games. Start tomorrow, though. Jen. I’m gonna barf if I don’t get to a mall today.

OBAMA: What . . .?

SEBELIUS: They work for Silicon ValleyGirls, Inc., a new tech startup by Sean Penn’s group, Spicoli Enterprises. [whispers] I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel, sir. 

OBAMA: Like, we are so screwed.