Hillary War Room: Robot Monster

HILLARY: "I cannot, yet I must. I must, but I cannot!"

Robot Monster - 1953

BILL: Jeez, darlin', you need to get those lines from that awful sci-fi movie out of your head. I know you’re uncomfortable campaigning, but . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill.

JAMES CARVILLE: Man’s right, Missus. 

HILLARY: I guess. If only I didn’t have to interact with the little people when I travel the country as their champion.

JOHN PODESTA: Cheer up, my Queen. We’ve traded in your Scooby Doo van for a campaign bus-cum-armored personnel carrier. Amenities include Homeland Security’s new Blowback™ Water Cannon System, designed to keep the unwashed at bay. 

HILLARY: Won't the unwashed be drawn to it?

PODESTA: Um . . .

BILL: She can’t hide in the vehicle for eighteen months, Johnny.

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill.

CARVILLE: Man’s right again, Missus.

HILLARY: [sighs] I suppose. Solutions? Anyone?

ROBBY MOOK: Short term, Empress: we hit twenty diners next weekend in Iowa. Order your security detail to clear each restaurant before you arrive. Advance teams will emplace cardboard representations of real Americans having a meal. You’ll join the cutouts for coffee, listen to their concerns, and pose for photo ops.

HILLARY: And you are?

 

MOOK: Your campaign manager, Excellency . . . Robby Mook?

HILLARY: You’re making that up.

HUMA ABEDIN: Good news, Empress. American Muslims for Hillary spiritual mentor Sheikh Rahama Falel al-Munjir has issued a fatwa against anyone using a straw man argument to attack you. "Straw man" suggests a human being, and the creation of such images is a sinful act in the Sheikh's interpretation of Sunni Islam.

HILLARY: Add him to my list of candidates for Secretary of Muslim Outreach.

CARVILLE: Hey Huma. You still got Anthony aka Carlos Danger on a leash?

ABEDIN: Oh no, sir. Such practices are forbidden in our household.

BILL: Ah honey . . . we gotta reshoot the spot showing Grandma Clinton changing baby’s diaper. 

HILLARY: Why?

BILL: You put it on backwards, with both feet in the same leg. They edited that out, as well as the diaper explosion. All that's left of the tape is you smiling at baby just before it all goes south . . . and north, and sideways.

HILLARY: Oh shit. I remember now.

ANN LEWIS: Mistress! Mistress! Téa Leoni and Meryl Streep just agreed to double for you in campaign sweeps this summer, but they insist you call and ask them personally right now. Mookie,Mookie, lend her your phone.

BILL: Precious, I kinda like Sharon Stone instead of Meryl Str . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. I don’t care what you want. You’re only around to get the blue hair vote. Behave and your ankle monitor comes off after I’m inaugurated.

Hillary War Room: You've Been Served

PAUL BEGALA: The e mail flap has the legs of a caterpillar, Excellency. We need a major distraction, and soon.

ANN LEWIS: Mistress, play your “Wronged little woman standing by her man” card again.

HILLARY: Of course! Bill, I’m calling a presser for you tomorrow morning. You’ll look sheepish, bite your lip, and confess to fertilizing six eggs that you know of while I was Secretary of Stasis.

BILL CLINTON: But honey, I didn’t . . .

HILLARY: Serpenthead, after the Big He blubbers through his confession, invite the media to attend a “Throw the bum out” photo op in Chappaqua at 5:00 p.m.

                                                       

CARVILLE: Yes’m.

HILLARY: As the cameras roll, I’ll toss his things out the window, vow to dissolve our mock marriage, and pledge to copy to the AP every e mail I write from now on.

LEWIS: With respect, Majesty, you’re going to need this likable rogue to secure the black vote next year. Rather than banishment, show magnanimity and offer forgiveness.

HILLARY: Is there any other reason to overlook his predatory behavior?

LEWIS: Um, let’s see. Because he did the right thing by those women and paid to have their lifeless protoplasmic clumps of cells aborted?

HILLARY: Good thinking. Paul, book us on Dr. Phil next week and Springer the week after. Tell them I want plenty of lamps on hand to hurl. We’ll extend our marital drama right up until Easter Sunday, when I’ll hold Bill’s hand and announce my candidacy to our good bud Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes. By then, even Trey Gowdy won’t remember why he wants me to appear before his committee.

BILL: Dear, I don’t think . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. Do as you’re told or I won’t let you vet the interns when I’m president.

You Accuse, I haRaSs

OBAMA: They're getting closer, John. What now?

IRS COMMISIONER KOSKINEN: Hmm. Let's deflect instead of obstruct.Tomorrow I’ll expose a plot by rogue Caucasians in our D. C. office to audit you.

OBAMA: Making me a victim. Wonderful!

JOE BIDEN: I dunno, Chief. Who’s gonna believe a coupla his GS-7s set you up?

KOSKINEN: I’ll claim that, unfortunately, the proof he was targeted was destroyed in a fire later on tonight.

JACK LEW: Might work, sir. I’ll inform Chairman Chaffetz you’ll be glad to appear before his committee concerning this attempt by malcontents to defame you.

OBAMA: Josh, schedule a news conference. I’ll alert the nation the president is also subject to overreach by federal authorities, and I’ll pledge to do everything in my power to expose the rot in the White House and IRS when I leave office and have more time.

VALERIE JARRETT: Best to do something sooner, Barack. Rename the IRS the American People’s Collection Authority.

OBAMA: With the slate wiped clean, APCA can resume its assault on conservatives who think they have standing to express abhorrent views.

KOSKINEN: We’ve hired Lois Lerner off the books to resume her harassment of the right, sir. She’s listening in on a conference line.

OBAMA: Lois, thank you for your service. What have you been up to lately.

LERNER: Going forward, sir, conservative groups applying for tax exempt status will confront an even more invasive Inquisition playbook. Sample question: “How long after conception did each member of your organization feel pulled to the right?” Also, from now on we’ll consider applications from Tea Party groups prima facie evidence of law-breaking.

OBAMA: Sic ‘em, Lois. I got your back.