Friday, October 18, 2013

Obama War Room: Whip Hand

JOE BIDEN: We humiliated ‘em in the shutdown fight, Boss. They’re mewlin’like seal cubs. Whyant we administer the coupe foie gras and club their heads?

JACK LEW: This could be a political extinction opportunity, sir.

OBAMA: Okay. Eric, appoint Ramsey Clark Special Prosecutor to target House Oversight Chair Issa for partisan effectiveness. Dan, ask Peter King if he’s interested in joining forces to discredit Ted Cruz and the Tea Party. NSA, I want actionable intelligence on Boehner’s possible successors, Cantor and Ryan.

: Yes, sir. What we can’t find out, we’ll make up.

: Forgive me, Barack, but you’re thinking small. We have a window right now to do almost anything we want while Republicans are busy licking their wounds.

OBAMA: Like what?

JARRETT: ObamaCare. Stop the bleeding: shut down and delay the individual mandate for a year. We’ll survive.

BIDEN: Too late to delay. The train’s left the station and it’s headin’ for the downgrade.  

: Everyone: kneel, face east, put your forehead on the floor, and pray for a miracle.

SEBELIUS: There is one way to save ObamaCare, sir.

OBAMA: Tell me.

SEBELIUS: Eliminate the marketplace. I´ll notify Americans in the 18-36 age group they’ve been assigned a one-size fits all plan and premium, effective January 1st? Pay the premium or suffer IRS harassment.

OBAMA: Nice! Make it so.

LEW: However good our brand looks at this moment, sir, midterms will still be dicey once people understand we’ve sabotaged their health care.

HOLDER: Issue an Executive Order moving the elections up to this November, sir, while Republicans are still under water in the polls.

OBAMA: Sensible. Notify all 17,000 plus registrars about the change. In districts where no Democratic candidate has emerged, the ballot should read ´´Democrat to be named later.´´

JAY CARNEY: Sir, the courts . . .

OBAMA: To paraphrase Stalin, how many divisions does Scalia have?

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