Obama War Room: Make It Stop

JOE BIDEN: Boehner ain’t bendin’, Boss. Maybe we overreached. I’m getting’ angstrous.
 

OBAMA: Jack, you said they’d fold in 3 days.
 

LEW: That was Valerie, sir, not me.
 

OBAMA: Valerie can do no wrong. I say it was you. Well?
 

LEW: [bowing] Yes, sir, it was me.
 

OBAMA: What’s our exit strategy in case the polls turn?
 

BIDEN: Double down, Chief. Suspend federal aid to daycare centers; command nuclear subs to cease patrolling and surface; close the interstates; declare the continental U.S. a no-fly zone; flip your internet kill switch--uh, it´s right there next to your phone; order the IRS to raid Dunkin Donuts’ headquarters on suspicion the company has been importing coffee beans from an area in Southeastern Brazil that is home to the endangered Brazilian spiny rice rat.
 

OBAMA: Hmm. I lost you on that last one, Joe.
 

BIDEN: All the franchises shut down for the duration of the probe, Boss.
 

OBAMA: Ah. We make it hurt so much people won’t care anymore who’s to blame; they’ll just want someone to step up and end it.
 

BIDEN: Exactamundo! Then you go on Letterman, Ellen, and Sesame Street and announce that you’ll be the grownup and meet Boehner halfway. You won´t really, of course.
 

OBAMA: That´s the plan if we’re taking the hit. What do we do if the polls get worse for Republicans?
 

BIDEN: Same thing, Chief, except for meetin’ Boehner halfway. Keep the government shut down till midterms, with the GOPhers twistin’ in the wind the whole time.
 

OBAMA: Okay. Treasury, Defense, HHS, enact the measures Joe suggested. Immediately.
 

JAY CARNEY: We’ll need a good optic, sir. I’ll alert the media that tomorrow at 9 a.m. , you’ll be outside the shuttered Dunkin’ Donuts on 601 F St NW. While there, shout and stamp about with the other protestors we´ll bus in.
 

OBAMA: Ooh. Just the thought of not getting something I want makes me angry.