Cabinet of Ludicrousities - Part 1

White House
Cabinet Room      
January 22, 2014

Initial meeting of President Obama's new team

OBAMA: Ok, folks, let's begin. Except for AG Holder, you represent the first entirely recessed Cabinet in American history. Do me proud.

I know you're all wondering why I chose you. Two answers: first, time to shake things up; second, no consequences. Republicans can't stop me, I ignore the courts, and I don't answer to the voters any more.

MICHELLE: I'm his Gatekeeper. Cross me and I'll cut your budget 10% and feed your liver to our dog.

 

Now, file past and kiss the president's ring. Speak only if he asks whether you agree with him, and the answer is always "yes." This will be your last direct contact with the president. Expect to be terminated for keeping him informed about what he doesn't want to know.

OBAMA: [looking at TV news feed on his BlackBerry] What the heck is going on over by the South Lawn? Protesters? Wait, there's a sign: "Impeach Obama."

Eric, I thought you said Operation Constitution Overreach would condition Americans to accept my abuse of the presidency?

HOLDER: We moved too quickly in dissolving the House and detaining Speaker Boehner and his family, sir. The movement to rein you in is gaining traction.

OBAMA: Hmm. Jay, get General Farrakhan on the horn. He's at the Nation of Islam Training Center on Parris Island.

CARNEY: Line 3, sir.   

 OBAMA: Louis! How are you? Yes, God is great.

Listen, when will the first units of my new Civilian National Security Force graduate?

Fine. Assign them to hotspots in Orange County, California; Lubbock, Texas; Oklahoma City; and here in D. C.

Yes, of course, armed.

No, no rubber bullets. Supply them with hollow points drawn from Homeland Security's domestic stockpile.

Inshallah.

[signs off, then logs on to ESPN]

MICHELLE: Barack, the meeting!

OBAMA: Oh, sorry. [addressing the room again] When I appointed you people in early January, I gave everyone free rein to act in my interests while I extended my Hawaiian sojourn. What's been accomplished? Defense?

DENNIS KUCINICH: I've ordered our fleet mothballed and . . .

MICHELLE: Belay that order, Dennis. We need revenue. Keep two carriers on duty, retrofitted as "cruise warships." Let's tap into that niche of thrill seekers who'd pay big bucks to visit places like Somalia in comfort and safety. Eric's lawyers will draw up papers incorporating, um, In Harm's Way Travel, Inc., a division of the DoD.

Continue, please.

KUCINICH: Yes'm. I've grounded the Air Force and ordered uniformed services to begin mustering out next week. Our enemies now understand we mean business when we say we want peace.

OBAMA: Good. And bring our drones home, too. From now on we employ them strictly against homegrown terrorists like Limbaugh, Coulter, Gutfeld, and O'Reilly. Justice can stonewall to infinity any flak we get about targeting on American soil. State?

GEORGE CLOONEY: Secretary Kucinich and I considered destroying America's nuclear arsenal and delivery systems, sir, but we finally decided it was a waste of good WMD.

Instead, we're promoting peace and prosperity through proliferation. We'll distribute our entire stock of nukes and missiles to every non-nuclear country on earth, along with support teams to ensure they're launched safely in the unlikely event war breaks out.

OBAMA: I don't get it.

CLOONEY: With everyone except us possessing the bomb, pressure to settle even minor disagreements will be enormous, lest miscalculation lead to a nuclear exchange.

OBAMA: Oh.

KUCINICH: Another benefit, Mr. President: these weapons will empower third world dictators to eliminate standing militaries that impoverish their countries. Imagine--peace dividends lavished on the poor!

OBAMA: Undoubtedly.

CLOONEY:  Managed nuclear proliferation is a logical extension of your redistributionist views, Mr. President.

OBAMA: You'd hold nothing back for ourselves?

KUCINICH: No, sir. We've shown we can't be trusted with such power.

OBAMA: Impeccable logic. NSA?

MAXINE WATERS: I've notified Brussels we're pulling out of NATO, which means the end of the organization.  Its existence was provocative anyway, a finger in the eye of the Russians.

That's my report. I'm due at the salon for a pedicure in ten minutes. Anyone have a problem with that?

[silence; she leaves]

CLOONEY: Speaking of Russia, I met with Putin last week and advised him to reconstitute the Soviet Union and the Warsaw Pact, forcibly if necessary. The world was a safer place when the USSR and her satellites in Eastern Europe checked American imperialism.

OBAMA: Amen to that.

Bathroom break, everyone. Five minutes. Jay, hand me my putter.

To be continued

Adapted from material in You Hear Me,Barack?

Obama War Room: Man Up

OBAMA: That's impossible. I'm polling below zero?

WHITE HOUSE POLLSTER: I've never seen anything like it, sir. The "negative numbers" poll hypothesis was discarded a generation ago. The only explanation is that even the imaginary voters we regularly survey to boost your ratings are down on you.

OBAMA: Intolerable. I want my blocs back. Women--my women!-- have slip-slided away. HHS?

KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: We're paying for abortions now, Mr. President. Regain women's loyalty by paying them to have abortions, say $500 per protoplasmic blob.  And think of the benefits to humanity of all the fetal stem cells we'd harvest.

OBAMA: Make it so. George?

SOROS: Giff generous bonus for twins und triplets, zir.

OBAMA: Excellent! New fertility and abortion clinics will spring up all over the country to cash in, meaning an uptick in the next year's jobs reports.

JOE BIDEN: Good, Boss, but not enough. How 'bout we offer every female of childbearin' age--say 18 to 45--a government job?

OBAMA: Doing what?

BIDEN: Maybe 50 million women take us up on it. Half of 'em probably have kids. We hire them to mentor the other 25 million who'll have their own kids down the road. 

OBAMA: Why are we hiring the mentorees?

BIDEN: To be the government's eyes and ears in the upbringing of the next generation of voters. Gotta plan ahead, Chief.

OBAMA: You're a devil, Joe. Okay, now, what can we offer senior females to bring them back into the fold?

VALERIE JARRETT: Millions of women are trapped in long and unhappy marriages, Barack. Incentives to break the ties that bind would earn you their gratitude.

OBAMA: Eric?

HOLDER: I'll issue new federal guidelines to divorce courts across the country: in brief, the female always gets the house, the car, the dog, and 100% of the assets. The guy gets bupkis.

MICHELLE: Sneak in an exemption for Metro Man here, your ass is grass. You hear me, Holder?

Road to Damascus

OBAMA: [sipping a Mai Tai on the beach during a conference call] It's bad, isn't it?

JOE BIDEN: Yeah, Boss.

OBAMA: How bad?

BIDEN: At your impeachment trial, I'll vote to convict if there's a tie. But don't worry. It'll never get that far.
 

JAY CARNEY: The Senate won't need Biden's swing vote, sir.

OBAMA: Oh. What happens, happens. There's always my family.

VALERIE JARRETT: Michelle, her mother, and the kids left for Chicago last night, Barack.

OBAMA: Nobody told me. Well, at least I have my trusted aides like you and Jay and . . .

CARNEY: We're back in D. C. getting Joe ready for the big time, sir.

OBAMA: [looking around] Hey, where are my Secret Service people?

JARRETT: Um, your detail is now augmenting mine.

OBAMA: I'm going to walk to town, get a coconut shaved ice and a coupla chili dogs, and give all this some thought. 

[On the road, a blinding white light stops Obama cold. A voice comes out of the sky]

Barack, Barack. Have you forgotten everything I taught you?

OBAMA: Saul? Saul Alinsky, is that you?

ALINSKY: Who else? In a minute I must return to the pit. Listen carefully. Go back to Washington. Citing Congress's abysmal ratings, dissolve the legislature and call for new elections in 2016. Summon your advisors, your PR people, and your bundlers. Tell them you've just had a "Road to Damascus" moment, the scales have fallen from your eyes, and you now know what you must do. 

OBAMA: Which is? 

ALINSKY: Spend the next three years finishing what you started: the destruction of the American way of life. In time there will be a place for you down here. I'll use my influence to get you a spot with a little draft.

Obama Rap Targets Minority Millennials

White House Briefing Room

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Jay Carney: First, an announcement. In an effort to shore up support among his most loyal followers, the president has written a rap song targeting minority millennials.
 
Ed Henry: A rap? Who helped him?
 
Carney: No one. The president believes that even in a room full of famous rappers like Jay-Z, he'd be the one most likely to produce a hit.

[passes out copies of the lyrics; reporters scan]

Major Garrett: Jay, the normal rap verse has sixteen bars, the chorus eight. The president's effort violates these standards. And the rhyme scheme is . . . unusual.
 
Carney: The president doesn't feel bound by the rules, Major. He's said repeatedly, if he can't work within convention when he raps whites--uh, I mean, writes raps-- he'll ignore convention.

Garrett: Who's going to set this to music?

Carney: Unnecessary. The faithful will supply the beat as they imagine  him performing the song. If he records it for the general public, he'll appropriate some other rapper's music. The president has told rappers many times, "If I like your beat, I can keep it." 

[end transcript]

The rap:

Gotta Get Up Before We Get Down 

I'm the oval office brother who pushed through the mother
of all health care laws
and if that turkey's gonna fly whether now or by and by
ya gotta sign for it bro then pony what ya owe
doesn't matter a damn if ya bum it or ya cadge it
or ya score it in a scam
don't be rebelius give it up for Sebelius
Rashan help me here man you're just what I need
be a navigator you can still smoke your weed
sell the pitch I been hawkin' in the 'hood get 'em talkin'
I got your back in a mess if the Caspers cause you stress
they'll be hearin' from my friends at the IRSsssssssss
don't give me cause to regret or whatcha get I'm in trouble
is a poppin'-ready bubble name of Biden

(chorus)

first, dependency
then ascendancy
for our descendancy

now that everythin' is ridin' I finally come outta hidin'
we won't be thwarted or aborted
make it happen you can choose there is no way we can lose
you're my bouncers I'm the cooler
I'll be straight like a ruler
let's get tight right now right now

                                      2

ya gotta join in the struggle for the ill-gotten gains
of the movers and the shakers on the streets Wall and Main
we will take what we are due like the Sioux we'll count coup
on the souls of the masters and their double-talkin' pastors
on the bankers and the Trumps and the phonies on the stumps
on the bosses in their offas and the supers in the sweats
no more settlin' for the scraps at the foot of the table
no more truck-wide income gaps 'ablin' biddies to wear sable
at the time that we have won they will know that they are done
and we'll be sittin' pretty like Scarface own the city
and the ones who called us chums they'll be fightin' for our crumbs
wonderin' how the hell that happened while they're suckin' on their thumbs

(chorus)

first, restitution
then redistribution
sweet retribution

if we don't stick together like those birds of a feather
we will never take our place on the seat of the throne
where who you want you can punish and the rest throw a bone
you're my bouncers I'm the cooler
I'll be straight like a ruler
let's get tight right now right now

Obama War Room: I Want To Be Loved By You

MICHELLE: Well, come in, everybody.  Take a seat. We have a problem,

JOE BIDEN: Huh? Why’s the Boss sitting in the corner in his pjs

MICHELLE: He’s depressed about Mandela.

VALERIE JARRETT: Well, that’s underst . . .

MICHELLE: More than depressed. He’s sulking, too. Mandela’s death reminds him he’ll have to die to get all the love and adulation he deserves. Thinks it’s unfair he won’t be able to share in the sorrow at his passing. Anyway, I’m running things until his therapist clears him for duty.

BIDEN: Lemme talk to ‘im. [goes over to the president] Hey Chief, snap outta it. Mandela was one of a kind. For the world to love you that much, why, you’d, you’d . . .

OBAMA: Say it, Joe.

BIDEN: You’d need to be removed from office, exiled to an island, eventually released, go back  into public service in support of the revolution, then croak.

OBAMA: Exactly, and I‘m good with that scenario, except for the last part. Joe, I’m tired of the presidency. The thrill is gone. There’s nothing else out there sufficient to test my abilities and give me Mandela-like status.

BIDEN: You’ve done way more than necessary to be unfairly impeached, but House Republicans have no spine.

JARRETT: Sir, there is a way: instruct the Capitol Police to arrest Boehner and disband the House. Then they’ll have to act. Reid will oblige you with a trumped-up conviction. Afterwards, place yourself under house arrest on Martha’s Vineyard.

OBAMA: Hmm. Then this fall, President Biden pardons me and ends my ordeal on the Vineyard. He names me Community Organizer to the World. When I’m 60, Michelle stages  a living funeral for me so that I can participate in the celebration of my life. Yes, that’s the way to go. Excuse me, I’m off to begin writing my eulogy.

Obama War Room: Grapes of Roth*

JOE BIDEN: Man, the wingnuts are gonna smoke us in midterms because of ObamaCaca. Two years of Boehner and McConnell drivin’ the bus while we’re sittin’ in back scratchin’ our . . .

OBAMA: Uh uh, Joe. Republicans controlling both Houses would be problematic only if I respected the Constitution. Still, it would be easier if we kept the Senate. Valerie has a plan.

JARRETT: Yes, we stop talking about health care and tell our media allies to stop reporting on it. Then we launch a sustained attack on the GOP's positions on our issues--open borders, abortion on demand until the blob of protoplasm has lived one year outside the womb, lifetime unemployment benefits, and so on.

JAY CARNEY: Soros's PAC has an immigration ad in the can. They'll run it whenever we say. Opens with a Latino woman breastfeeding her baby at home when Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s SWAT team storms in, arrests her for exposing herself to a minor, carts her to the Rio Grande, throws her in, and laughs as she paddles to Mexico. The voiceover: “It’s 2015 and Republicans control Congress."

OBAMA: Okay! What happens to the baby?

CARNEY: Orphanage. Right out of Dickens.

OBAMA: Works for me. Other distractions.

BIDEN: I'm addressin' NARAL next week, Chief. I’ll tell the ladies Boehner wants to discourage abortions by requiring women to register their uteri with HHS. That’ll be good for a coupla news cycles.

DAN PFIEFFER: How about this, sir: a House Democrat switches parties, then introduces a bill criminalizing the application of makeup while driving.

OBAMA: Good. Let's go positive, too. Chuck?

HAGEL: Announce disbandment of the INS, sir. Millions of know-nothings will cheer you for eliminating the IRS.

JARRETT: That would save us a bundle, Mr. President, and promote hassle-free passage into the U. S. of landscapers from Juárez and Tegucigalpa.

OBAMA: Wonderful. Streisand's always looking for people to tend her Shangri-La estate in Malibu. Other ideas?

JACK LEW: Sell China drilling rights off the coasts of Florida and California, sir, then have our enviros tie up the deal with litigation. If the court rules for the companies, a DNC black ops team will blow a wellhead, setting exploiters back a decade. Your hands would be clean.

OBAMA: No way we can let those rigs produce. Gasoline’s four bucks a gallon right now, a far cry from our $10 a gallon goal. Last thing I want is more product and lower prices.

JARRETT: You haven’t responded to China’s offer to lease California and build mega-manufactories staffed by restive Muslims from Xinxiang Province.

OBAMA: I dunno. The Chinese say they just want “Made in the USA” tags on their stuff. Sounds harmless enough, but something smells wrong. Stall them. John?

KERRY: French President Hollande called, sir. He’ll accept return of Jefferson’s 1803 Louisiana Purchase and refund our $15 million payment, minus a 20% restocking fee.

OBAMA: Tempting. Get rid of Texas and a couple other red states. That it?

LEW: McConnell and Boehner laughed when I suggested Treasury assume management of the trillions sitting in IRAs, sir. Too bad. The investments we might have made in America’s future.

BIDEN: Wienies. Argentina’s government had the guts to take control of the country’s private pension funds. Argentina! A tinpot regime shows the world’s most progressive declinin’ superpower howda do it.

OBAMA: Jack, what about the windfall tax revenue you promised from this year’s one time Roth IRA “Pay the IRS now, profit later” conversion deal?

LEW: The public hasn’t bought into the promotion, sir. Frankly, only an idiot would pay taxes proactively while you’re in office.

JARRETT: Mr. President, why not go after the Roth trove itself ? Most of that money’s owned by the richest 40%, people who don’t need the funds but invested in Roths to help their children and grandchildren evade responsibility for the fix we’re bequeathing them.

BIDEN: Won’t work, Val . The Hill will never legislate a surtax on Roth withdrawals.

OBAMA: Val’s not talking some measly 10% surtax, Joe. I want it all. Val, how do we do manage that?

JARRETT: Go Argentina one better: citing fiscal eminent domain, nationalize Roth accounts. Holder can drag out the court fight through 2016.

OBAMA: Brilliant! With more money than God, I‘ll buy off enough legislatures to repeal the 22nd Amendment.

LEW: Related matter, sir: Barney Frank says the Republicans are undoing all the damage he did with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac during his tenure as Chair of the House Financial Services Committee. He wants a firewall to stop them.

PFEIFFER: Barney’s right. Took years of neglect for Fannie and Freddie to become a bureaucratic rats' nest. Republicans are cleaning it out.

OBAMA: I’ll appropriate those organizations and place them in trust with Treasury. Jack, recharter the two as “Fannie Mae I” and “Freddie Mac the Knife,” the government’s fully owned “tough love” lenders [snort]. I’ll ask budget hawks Paul Krugman and John Kenneth Galbraith to serve as CEOs.

PFEIFFER: Galbraith’s dead, sir.

OBAMA: True. But when critics say his agency reeks of corruption, we’ll have a counter.

*Adapted from You Hear Me, Barack?