Cabinet Room
January 22, 2014
Initial meeting of President Obama's new team
OBAMA: Ok, folks, let's begin. Except for AG Holder, you represent the first entirely recessed Cabinet in American history. Do me proud.
I know you're all wondering why I chose you. Two answers: first, time to shake things up; second, no consequences. Republicans can't stop me, I ignore the courts, and I don't answer to the voters any more.
MICHELLE: I'm his Gatekeeper. Cross me and I'll cut your budget 10% and feed your liver to our dog.
Now, file past and kiss the president's ring. Speak only if he asks whether you agree with him, and the answer is always "yes." This will be your last direct contact with the president. Expect to be terminated for keeping him informed about what he doesn't want to know.
OBAMA: [looking at TV news feed on his BlackBerry] What the heck is going on over by the South Lawn? Protesters? Wait, there's a sign: "Impeach Obama."
Eric, I thought you said Operation Constitution Overreach would condition Americans to accept my abuse of the presidency?
HOLDER: We moved too quickly in dissolving the House and detaining Speaker Boehner and his family, sir. The movement to rein you in is gaining traction.
OBAMA: Hmm. Jay, get General Farrakhan on the horn. He's at the Nation of Islam Training Center on Parris Island.
CARNEY: Line 3, sir.
OBAMA: Louis! How are you? Yes, God is great.
Listen, when will the first units of my new Civilian National Security Force graduate?
Fine. Assign them to hotspots in Orange County, California; Lubbock, Texas; Oklahoma City; and here in D. C.
Yes, of course, armed.
No, no rubber bullets. Supply them with hollow points drawn from Homeland Security's domestic stockpile.
Inshallah.
[signs off, then logs on to ESPN]
MICHELLE: Barack, the meeting!
OBAMA: Oh, sorry. [addressing the room again] When I appointed you people in early January, I gave everyone free rein to act in my interests while I extended my Hawaiian sojourn. What's been accomplished? Defense?
DENNIS KUCINICH: I've ordered our fleet mothballed and . . .
MICHELLE: Belay that order, Dennis. We need revenue. Keep two carriers on duty, retrofitted as "cruise warships." Let's tap into that niche of thrill seekers who'd pay big bucks to visit places like Somalia in comfort and safety. Eric's lawyers will draw up papers incorporating, um, In Harm's Way Travel, Inc., a division of the DoD.
Continue, please.
KUCINICH: Yes'm. I've grounded the Air Force and ordered uniformed services to begin mustering out next week. Our enemies now understand we mean business when we say we want peace.
OBAMA: Good. And bring our drones home, too. From now on we employ them strictly against homegrown terrorists like Limbaugh, Coulter, Gutfeld, and O'Reilly. Justice can stonewall to infinity any flak we get about targeting on American soil. State?
GEORGE CLOONEY: Secretary Kucinich and I considered destroying America's nuclear arsenal and delivery systems, sir, but we finally decided it was a waste of good WMD.
Instead, we're promoting peace and prosperity through proliferation. We'll distribute our entire stock of nukes and missiles to every non-nuclear country on earth, along with support teams to ensure they're launched safely in the unlikely event war breaks out.
OBAMA: I don't get it.
CLOONEY: With everyone except us possessing the bomb, pressure to settle even minor disagreements will be enormous, lest miscalculation lead to a nuclear exchange.
OBAMA: Oh.
KUCINICH: Another benefit, Mr. President: these weapons will empower third world dictators to eliminate standing militaries that impoverish their countries. Imagine--peace dividends lavished on the poor!
OBAMA: Undoubtedly.
CLOONEY: Managed nuclear proliferation is a logical extension of your redistributionist views, Mr. President.
OBAMA: You'd hold nothing back for ourselves?
KUCINICH: No, sir. We've shown we can't be trusted with such power.
OBAMA: Impeccable logic. NSA?
MAXINE WATERS: I've notified Brussels we're pulling out of NATO, which means the end of the organization. Its existence was provocative anyway, a finger in the eye of the Russians.
That's my report. I'm due at the salon for a pedicure in ten minutes. Anyone have a problem with that?
[silence; she leaves]
CLOONEY: Speaking of Russia, I met with Putin last week and advised him to reconstitute the Soviet Union and the Warsaw Pact, forcibly if necessary. The world was a safer place when the USSR and her satellites in Eastern Europe checked American imperialism.
OBAMA: Amen to that.
Bathroom break, everyone. Five minutes. Jay, hand me my putter.
To be continued
Adapted from material in You Hear Me,Barack?
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