Hillary War Room: Effin BI

HUMA ABEDIN: [rushing in] Mistress! Mistress! FBI Director Comey's recommending your indictment for national security crimes! 

HILLARY: Oh, really?

[dials number]

Hillary, Barack. Please advise the DOJ to reject action against me. Otherwise, as we discussed, Michelle receives photos of you smoking weed and noshing on Slim Jims in the Oval Office when she’s traveling. 

You want the negatives? Ah ha ha ha ha; ah ha ha ha ha. [sigh] Nothing like a good cackle to lift my mood.

This is the 21st century, Mr. President. The "negatives" are in a cloud, along with copies of your college transcripts, medical records, state senate papers, original birth certificate, and audio of you asking Khamenei for his prayers, along with other things you don't want seeing the light of day.

[hangs up] 

BILL CLINTON: Jeez, Honey, you hate the guy, don't you? 

HILLARY: Not true. He's "likable enough." Ah ha ha ha ha ha; ah ha ha ha ha ha.

JOHN PODESTA: Comey and some career prosecutors may resign in protest if you skate, my Queen. Our media will spike the story, but FOX, Drudge, and the blogosphere won't.

HILLARY: Anticipated. Following the Director's resignation, Obama orders the EPA to revoke FOX's broadcast license for polluting the airwaves. Other media will hesitate to cross me.

LANNY DAVIS: If necessary, Sensei, allow me to defend you on the Sunday talk shows. All I ask in return is permission to lick your boots, plus a hair from your chinny-chin-chin for my scrapbook.

ROBBY MOOK: To be safe, Comey must be neutralized, Excellency.

HILLARY: Agreed. Huma, our campaign attack dog and his handler are outside. Bring them in.

[enter David Brock and George Soros]

George, remove his muzzle. Unleash him.

[gasps all around; Secret Service agents draw their weapons]

Stand down! He's harmless in my presence.

SOROS: Vhat vud you haff him do, Empress?

HILLARY: C'mere, boy. C'mon. [gives Brock a treat]. This is FBI Director Comey's file, boy. See? [flips pages] Take a sniff.

BROCK: Grr...

HILLARY: Open the door! Now go get him, boy. Release!

[Brock bounds out]

HILLARY: Monitor him, George. I want Comey's reputation savaged.

Hmm. Reminds me. Robby, get Elijah Cummings on the horn. On speaker.

MOOK: Congressman Cummings? I'm calling for . . .

CUMMINGS: The Select Committee is a travesty, sir. Chairman Gowdy's goal is to keep Hillary Clinton out of the White House. My task is to determine which facts fail the test of supporting our narrative and to do everything in my power to beat reality to a pulp in service to our cause. I will not rest until Republicans bear the blame for Secretary Clinton's incompetence, blah blah blah . . .

HILLARY: Elijah! Elijah! Stop! This is Hillary.

CUMMINGS: Hillary? Oh, sorry. I answer all my calls the same way. Defending you is a 24/7 job.

HILLARY: And you should be rewarded. Please consider becoming FBI Director after I'm elected. I'll need someone who views truth through the prism of loyalty to me. We’ll speak again. [hangs up]

PODESTA: He'll never get confirmed, Majesty.

HILLARY: I'll change the rules. No more confirmation hearings. I appoint the people I want. The House objects, let them impeach the first woman president.

BILL: Honey, I don't think . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. Tomorrow you leave for Florida to push my candidacy. You'll spend the next year canoodling for votes with blue hairs in convalescent homes and elder communities. Your Secret Service detail reports directly to me.

As penance for past sins, I'm lifting the "Keep it in your pants" prohibition. You'll do whatever's required to get the biddies to vote for me. 

May God have mercy on your pole. Ah ha ha ha ha ha; ah ha ha ha ha ha.

Hillary News Conference: Ask Me No Questions . . .

HILLARY: Good morning. May I remind you this news conference is off-the-record. Report anything I say today and your seat on the press plane will be moved to the wheel well.

A redacted transcript of my remarks will be released this evening.

I trust the Secret Service conducted your strip search and body cavity exam with dignity. Thanks for agreeing to debase yourselves and your profession by participating in this sham.

A few words before I evade your questions:

 Next Tuesday, on closed circuit in nursing homes across the country, I’ll address seniors as they enjoy a five-star lunch provided by the Clinton Foundation. The event is open to all except Alzheimer’s patients and those expected to die before the next election.

Finally, I’m excited about a new TV spot airing nationwide next week. The ad depicts me handling a late-night diaper emergency while everyone else panics. The tag line: ´´When it hits the fan at 3:00 a. m., I’ll be ready.´´

You may now ask me unpleasant things. Please speak loudly if you're chosen. My hearing remains selectively impaired following an incident during last week’s fund raiser in Saudi Arabia when I batted away an assassin’s grenade, then pushed a Secret Service agent to the ground and shielded him from the explosion with my own body.

You are all in assigned seats that are wired. An electric shock will alert you that you´re up.

Q: Ouch! Madame Secretary, who is ultimately to blame for the Benghazi debacle?

HILLARY: They have no shame, the barnacle paparazzi.

Q: Oomph! Cite one measure a Clinton Administration would take to contain exploding healthcare costs.

HILLARY: I'd incentivize dying young. You’ll find details in my new book, It Takes an Early Grave to Save the Village . . .  for the Children.

Q: Ow! Are you concerned your husband’s behavior will embarrass you again?

HILLARY: No.  This time around, I hand-picked his Secret Service detail, all Muslims.  They won’t allow him to be alone with a woman who isn’t a blood relative.

Q: Errp! Women’s rights, check; gay rights, check; transgendered rights, check. What’s the next battle?

HILLARY: Animal rights.  And after that, the fight to legalize interspecies unions.

HUMA ABEDIN: Thank you, Madame Secretary.

Hillary War Room: Robot Monster

HILLARY: "I cannot, yet I must. I must, but I cannot!"

Robot Monster - 1953

BILL: Jeez, darlin', you need to get those lines from that awful sci-fi movie out of your head. I know you’re uncomfortable campaigning, but . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill.

JAMES CARVILLE: Man’s right, Missus. 

HILLARY: I guess. If only I didn’t have to interact with the little people when I travel the country as their champion.

JOHN PODESTA: Cheer up, my Queen. We’ve traded in your Scooby Doo van for a campaign bus-cum-armored personnel carrier. Amenities include Homeland Security’s new Blowback™ Water Cannon System, designed to keep the unwashed at bay. 

HILLARY: Won't the unwashed be drawn to it?

PODESTA: Um . . .

BILL: She can’t hide in the vehicle for eighteen months, Johnny.

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill.

CARVILLE: Man’s right again, Missus.

HILLARY: [sighs] I suppose. Solutions? Anyone?

ROBBY MOOK: Short term, Empress: we hit twenty diners next weekend in Iowa. Order your security detail to clear each restaurant before you arrive. Advance teams will emplace cardboard representations of real Americans having a meal. You’ll join the cutouts for coffee, listen to their concerns, and pose for photo ops.

HILLARY: And you are?

 

MOOK: Your campaign manager, Excellency . . . Robby Mook?

HILLARY: You’re making that up.

HUMA ABEDIN: Good news, Empress. American Muslims for Hillary spiritual mentor Sheikh Rahama Falel al-Munjir has issued a fatwa against anyone using a straw man argument to attack you. "Straw man" suggests a human being, and the creation of such images is a sinful act in the Sheikh's interpretation of Sunni Islam.

HILLARY: Add him to my list of candidates for Secretary of Muslim Outreach.

CARVILLE: Hey Huma. You still got Anthony aka Carlos Danger on a leash?

ABEDIN: Oh no, sir. Such practices are forbidden in our household.

BILL: Ah honey . . . we gotta reshoot the spot showing Grandma Clinton changing baby’s diaper. 

HILLARY: Why?

BILL: You put it on backwards, with both feet in the same leg. They edited that out, as well as the diaper explosion. All that's left of the tape is you smiling at baby just before it all goes south . . . and north, and sideways.

HILLARY: Oh shit. I remember now.

ANN LEWIS: Mistress! Mistress! Téa Leoni and Meryl Streep just agreed to double for you in campaign sweeps this summer, but they insist you call and ask them personally right now. Mookie,Mookie, lend her your phone.

BILL: Precious, I kinda like Sharon Stone instead of Meryl Str . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. I don’t care what you want. You’re only around to get the blue hair vote. Behave and your ankle monitor comes off after I’m inaugurated.

Hillary War Room: You've Been Served

PAUL BEGALA: The e mail flap has the legs of a caterpillar, Excellency. We need a major distraction, and soon.

ANN LEWIS: Mistress, play your “Wronged little woman standing by her man” card again.

HILLARY: Of course! Bill, I’m calling a presser for you tomorrow morning. You’ll look sheepish, bite your lip, and confess to fertilizing six eggs that you know of while I was Secretary of Stasis.

BILL CLINTON: But honey, I didn’t . . .

HILLARY: Serpenthead, after the Big He blubbers through his confession, invite the media to attend a “Throw the bum out” photo op in Chappaqua at 5:00 p.m.

                                                       

CARVILLE: Yes’m.

HILLARY: As the cameras roll, I’ll toss his things out the window, vow to dissolve our mock marriage, and pledge to copy to the AP every e mail I write from now on.

LEWIS: With respect, Majesty, you’re going to need this likable rogue to secure the black vote next year. Rather than banishment, show magnanimity and offer forgiveness.

HILLARY: Is there any other reason to overlook his predatory behavior?

LEWIS: Um, let’s see. Because he did the right thing by those women and paid to have their lifeless protoplasmic clumps of cells aborted?

HILLARY: Good thinking. Paul, book us on Dr. Phil next week and Springer the week after. Tell them I want plenty of lamps on hand to hurl. We’ll extend our marital drama right up until Easter Sunday, when I’ll hold Bill’s hand and announce my candidacy to our good bud Steve Kroft on 60 Minutes. By then, even Trey Gowdy won’t remember why he wants me to appear before his committee.

BILL: Dear, I don’t think . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. Do as you’re told or I won’t let you vet the interns when I’m president.

You Accuse, I haRaSs

OBAMA: They're getting closer, John. What now?

IRS COMMISIONER KOSKINEN: Hmm. Let's deflect instead of obstruct.Tomorrow I’ll expose a plot by rogue Caucasians in our D. C. office to audit you.

OBAMA: Making me a victim. Wonderful!

JOE BIDEN: I dunno, Chief. Who’s gonna believe a coupla his GS-7s set you up?

KOSKINEN: I’ll claim that, unfortunately, the proof he was targeted was destroyed in a fire later on tonight.

JACK LEW: Might work, sir. I’ll inform Chairman Chaffetz you’ll be glad to appear before his committee concerning this attempt by malcontents to defame you.

OBAMA: Josh, schedule a news conference. I’ll alert the nation the president is also subject to overreach by federal authorities, and I’ll pledge to do everything in my power to expose the rot in the White House and IRS when I leave office and have more time.

VALERIE JARRETT: Best to do something sooner, Barack. Rename the IRS the American People’s Collection Authority.

OBAMA: With the slate wiped clean, APCA can resume its assault on conservatives who think they have standing to express abhorrent views.

KOSKINEN: We’ve hired Lois Lerner off the books to resume her harassment of the right, sir. She’s listening in on a conference line.

OBAMA: Lois, thank you for your service. What have you been up to lately.

LERNER: Going forward, sir, conservative groups applying for tax exempt status will confront an even more invasive Inquisition playbook. Sample question: “How long after conception did each member of your organization feel pulled to the right?” Also, from now on we’ll consider applications from Tea Party groups prima facie evidence of law-breaking.

OBAMA: Sic ‘em, Lois. I got your back.