HILLARY: Good morning. May I remind you this news conference is off-the-record. Report anything I say today and your seat on the press plane will be moved to the wheel well.
A redacted transcript of my remarks will be released this evening.
I trust the Secret Service conducted your strip search and body cavity exam with dignity. Thanks for agreeing to debase yourselves and your profession by participating in this sham.
A few words before I evade your questions:
Next Tuesday, on closed circuit in nursing homes across the country, I’ll address seniors as they enjoy a five-star lunch provided by the Clinton Foundation. The event is open to all except Alzheimer’s patients and those expected to die before the next election.
Finally, I’m excited about a new TV spot airing nationwide next week. The ad depicts me handling a late-night diaper emergency while everyone else panics. The tag line: ´´When it hits the fan at 3:00 a. m., I’ll be ready.´´
You may now ask me unpleasant things. Please speak loudly if you're chosen. My hearing remains selectively impaired following an incident during last week’s fund raiser in Saudi Arabia when I batted away an assassin’s grenade, then pushed a Secret Service agent to the ground and shielded him from the explosion with my own body.
You are all in assigned seats that are wired. An electric shock will alert you that you´re up.
Q: Ouch! Madame Secretary, who is ultimately to blame for the Benghazi debacle?
HILLARY: They have no shame, the barnacle paparazzi.
Q: Oomph! Cite one measure a Clinton Administration would take to contain exploding healthcare costs.
HILLARY: I'd incentivize dying young. You’ll find details in my new book, It Takes an Early Grave to Save the Village . . . for the Children.
Q: Ow! Are you concerned your husband’s behavior will embarrass you again?
HILLARY: No. This time around, I hand-picked his Secret Service detail, all Muslims. They won’t allow him to be alone with a woman who isn’t a blood relative.
Q: Errp! Women’s rights, check; gay rights, check; transgendered rights, check. What’s the next battle?
HILLARY: Animal rights. And after that, the fight to legalize interspecies unions.
HUMA ABEDIN: Thank you, Madame Secretary.
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