JILL BIDEN: Joe, wake
up. Jake Tapper’s here. His crew is in the basement setting up.
BIDEN: Tapper?
The song and dance man? We having
some live entertainment?
JILL BIDEN: [patiently] You’re doing a live five-minute tape-delayed interview with CNN. Makeup! I want him looking rosy-cheeked and vital. [exit Biden] Doctor?
PHYSICIAN: As discussed, I’ll inject a fast-acting high alert medication to keep him awake.
STAFFER: Our backup’s set, Ma’am. His chair’s wired. Press the remote button once for a mild wake-up shock, twice to keep him focused and alert.
JILL BIDEN: I’m still nervous. Suppose he panics and walks out mid-interview, even though we’ve had the questions and practiced the answers for days?
STAFFER: Um, we thought it prudent to have an emergency option available, Ma’am, and we wanted to surprise you. Millie, bring him in.
[enter staffer with Joe Biden]
JILL BIDEN: Joe, what are you . . . Oh my God!
STAFFER: Yes, Ma’am, it’s the vp’s double. We had the Mission Impossible special effects team create a Biden face mask.
JILL BIDEN: But, but, how can . . . ?
STAFFER: Jim’s an impressionist. We’ve been coaching him. He has the vp’s voice and mannerisms down cold. Jim, say something Bidenesque.
DOUBLE: When the pirates took our ship back in 2009, I says to the president, “Lemme fly out there, Boss, settle this thing. I grew up with workin’-class stiffs tryin’ to make an easy buck any way they could. I’ll get down and dirty if I hafta. and I’ll get her done.” The Big O says, “Do it, Joe.”
JILL BIDEN: Incredible. Jim, how would you respond to a softball on Tara Reade?
DOUBLE: Every woman has a right to have her claims questioned and dismissed.
JILL BIDEN: Charlie! Put the vice president in the study and let him watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang again. [to double] You, sir, have a long-running gig if you want it.
JILL BIDEN: [patiently] You’re doing a live five-minute tape-delayed interview with CNN. Makeup! I want him looking rosy-cheeked and vital. [exit Biden] Doctor?
PHYSICIAN: As discussed, I’ll inject a fast-acting high alert medication to keep him awake.
STAFFER: Our backup’s set, Ma’am. His chair’s wired. Press the remote button once for a mild wake-up shock, twice to keep him focused and alert.
JILL BIDEN: I’m still nervous. Suppose he panics and walks out mid-interview, even though we’ve had the questions and practiced the answers for days?
STAFFER: Um, we thought it prudent to have an emergency option available, Ma’am, and we wanted to surprise you. Millie, bring him in.
[enter staffer with Joe Biden]
JILL BIDEN: Joe, what are you . . . Oh my God!
STAFFER: Yes, Ma’am, it’s the vp’s double. We had the Mission Impossible special effects team create a Biden face mask.
JILL BIDEN: But, but, how can . . . ?
STAFFER: Jim’s an impressionist. We’ve been coaching him. He has the vp’s voice and mannerisms down cold. Jim, say something Bidenesque.
DOUBLE: When the pirates took our ship back in 2009, I says to the president, “Lemme fly out there, Boss, settle this thing. I grew up with workin’-class stiffs tryin’ to make an easy buck any way they could. I’ll get down and dirty if I hafta. and I’ll get her done.” The Big O says, “Do it, Joe.”
JILL BIDEN: Incredible. Jim, how would you respond to a softball on Tara Reade?
DOUBLE: Every woman has a right to have her claims questioned and dismissed.
JILL BIDEN: Charlie! Put the vice president in the study and let him watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang again. [to double] You, sir, have a long-running gig if you want it.
