Saturday, May 2, 2020

Biden War Room: Nanny State

JILL BIDEN:  Joe, wake up.  Jake Tapper’s here.  His crew is in the basement setting up.

BIDEN:  Tapper?  The song and dance man?  We having some live entertainment?
 

JILL BIDEN:  [patiently]  You’re doing a live five-minute tape-delayed interview with CNN.  Makeup!  I want him looking rosy-cheeked and vital.  [exit Biden] Doctor?
 

PHYSICIAN: As discussed, I’ll inject a fast-acting high alert medication to keep him awake. 
 

STAFFER: Our backup’s set, Ma’am.  His chair’s wired.  Press the remote button once for a mild wake-up shock, twice to keep him focused and alert.
 

JILL BIDEN:  I’m still nervous.  Suppose he panics and walks out mid-interview, even though we’ve had the questions and practiced the answers for days? 
 

STAFFER:  Um, we thought it prudent to have an emergency option available, Ma’am, and we wanted to surprise you.  Millie, bring him in.

[enter staffer with Joe Biden]
 

JILL BIDEN:  Joe, what are you . . . Oh my God!
 

STAFFER:  Yes, Ma’am, it’s the vp’s double.  We had the Mission Impossible special effects team create a Biden face mask.
 

JILL BIDEN:  But, but, how can . . . ?
 

STAFFER:  Jim’s an impressionist.  We’ve been coaching him.  He has the vp’s voice and mannerisms down cold.  Jim, say something Bidenesque.
 

DOUBLE: When the pirates took our ship back in 2009, I says to the president, “Lemme fly out there, Boss, settle this thing.  I grew up with workin’-class stiffs tryin’ to make an easy buck any way they could.  I’ll get down and dirty if I hafta. and I’ll get her done.”  The Big O says, “Do it, Joe.”
 

JILL BIDEN:  Incredible.  Jim, how would you respond to a softball on Tara Reade?
 

DOUBLE:  Every woman has a right to have her claims questioned and dismissed. 

JILL BIDEN
:  Charlie!  Put the vice president in the study and let him watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang again.  [to double] You, sir, have a long-running gig if you want it.




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