Joe Biden Finally Faces The Press

BIDEN:  Good afternoon.  I’ll make a brief statement and then take some questions, unless a dog-faced reporter pisses me off. 

Under President Trump, America is a nation in steep decline, a nation hurtling toward the depths. With my misplaced sense of humor, endearing ineptitude, and characteristic superciliousness, I am well-equipped to lead us into irrelevance. 

Awright, now look around.  You see any teleprompters?  [tilts head, slaps ears] Nobody whisperin’ in my ear, either.  I am out here cold hickey, so take your best shot. 

Coupla ground rules: 

One, I call on you, you stand up and ask a one-word question, like, “Obama? or “Trade?”  Then you sit down and shut up.  No foul-ups.  I mean, follow-ups.

 

Two, no questions about my health, the progress of my dementia . . . . [to Jill Biden gesturing offstage] What?

 

Three, you ask me about packing the Supreme Court and I'll have my Secret Service detail arrest you for threatening to unmask me as a phony.

 

Finally, if an answer from me sounds garbled, it's because I don't like the question and mumbled nonsense through my Zorro mask.  No re-do's.

Let's begin.  You over there, end of the third row, the blonde with the tight skirt.  Come sit in front here where I can see your legs.  Good.  [sniff, sniff] Ummm, I can smell your hair from here. Your question?

REPORTER:  Obamacare?

BIDEN:  Good question.  In November I'll win and we'll keep the House and take back the senate.  On my first day in office we'll push through PPACA 2.0.  And this time, we'll get it right.  

[takes off jacket and rolls up right sleeve]

See this tat on my left arm?  Had it done when I realized we were gonna hafta pass this baby again some day. [reads arm tattoo] "Don't forget severability."

Ok.  You there.

REPORTER:  China?

BIDEN:  Nobody’s tougher on the Reds than I am.  We haven’t done takeout at Hu Lee’s Chinese Kitchen since Lord Tennyson Square.  Next.

REPORTER:  Portland?

BIDEN:  Where they make the wine, right?  Love the stuff.   You over there, yellow tie.

REPORTER:  Israel?

BIDEN:  When I'm president, I’ll implement a variation of America’s “One China” policy vicea versa Israel and the Palestinians. We'll call the initiative our “One Palestine Kowtow."   Next, Mr. Gray Suit, there.

REPORTER:  Guns?

BIDEN: Mandatory turn-in when I'm president.  Not buy back--we can't afford that.  Turn in.  Everything.  Rifles, hand guns, slingshots, nerf guns--anything that launches a projectile.  Hand ‘em over or go to jail. And we know who has what.  When we have all the guns, the legal ones, anyway, I'll lift the restrictions on ammo purchases.

Way in back.

REPORTER:  Priorities?

BIDEN:  Got a list right here:

* Defeating the worldwide scourge of male pattern baldness and preventing loss of innocent follicles  

* Extraditing Dick Cheney to The Hague to stand trial for. war crimes

* Returning Texas and California to Mexico, from whom we unjustly stole these lands

* Calming Americans’ unreasoning dread of a Global Caliphate 

 
* Reversing the Industrial Revolution so that the Earth may once again breathe free

A few more and then I go down for my nap. Third row, red mask.

REPORTER:  Looters?

Don't call  them "looters."  They're Democratic Reparations Shock Troops.  As president, I’ll deploy the military to protect them and their auxiliary flash mobs from rogue Federal agents.. 

REPORTER:  Immigration?

BIDEN: Our immigration policy guarantees everyone landscaping services at an affordable price.

REPORTER:  Nicaragua?

BIDEN:  [hesitates] Nicaragula?  Um, nice, with a light balsamic, maybe some parmesan shards.

REPORTER:  Palestinians?

BIDEN: Give ’em a chunk of money to ignore Israel, then sic ’em on Iran.

REPORTER: Guantanamo.

BIDEN: Release the detainees. Say, “We grab you on the battlefield again, we’ll shave your beard and feed you pulled pork sandwiches.” To hell with Human Rights Watch.

[off camera] Thank you.  Don't forget to run your stories by us before you file them.