Hey everybody! We did it! Trump just conceded. I wanna thank everybody who helped me get here, especially my pharmacologist.
Now I wanna say a few things.
[to aide] Get that goddamn thing away from me [kicks teleprompter aside] I don't need it anymore.
[to wife] Jill, stop mouthing things at me. I'm senator-e...president-elect, and I can say any damn thing I want and nobody can stop me.
[to whispering aide] I don't care about re-election. I won't live that long, anyway.
And Kamala, I see you smirkin'. I know you already talked to the Wicked Witch of the House about the 25th Amendment. But I ain't goin' down without a fight.
Jeez, you got some odd laugh on you, girl. And try using Paul Mitchell Tea Tree Special Shampoo from now on. Smells a helluva lot better 'n whatever you're usin'.
[to aide] Make a note: hire a food taster.
Today I'm gonna say what I been bustin' to say since I started this.
[to Secret Service agent] Anybody tries to pull the plug on this camera, you shoot 'em. You hear me, son?
[pauses]
First off, Hunter, Boy, I am very sorry about what you been through , especially since Bobulinski turned on us. But you were careless and greedy and you brought it on yourself.
Holder's agreed to come back and be my wingman at Justice. He'll make the charges comin' against you disappear. Thing is son, I want a 50% cut from now on. You'll find it a lot easier sellin' access to me now than before.
Now I'll speak what's left of my mind on some issues, and nobody can muzzle me.
First off, ObamaCare. We got the House and Senate so we are doin' it all over again. We're gonna call it BidenCare. Not gonna make the same mistake we made when WaterWalker over there was in charge back when. Look here:
[rolls up sleeve, exposing tattoo on left arm, reads] "Don't forget severability"
I am gonna restore both the employer mandrake and individual mandrake.
Seniors, we gotta cut life expectancy to keep healthcare costs down. So give it up for your grandkids. We have a plan.
The NSA has databases containing the personal records of every senior—their ages, maladies, marital status, tickle spots, firearm preferences, dietary eccentricities, bowel habits, so forth. We´ll assign attrition goals to their doctors. If they meet or exceed natural deaths quotas assigned to their practice, they may remain providers.
Covid-19 vaccine. We'll order 100 million doses and have a lottery, Like everybody else, seniors'll take their chances.
One more thing: I'm gonna run a promotion: for every elderly relative who signs a
living will leaving life and death decisions to a Board-approved healthcare bureaucrat, your wait for any elective procedure is reduced six months.
Lastly, we will close suburban hospitals and establish mega-health complexes in the worst urban neighborhoods. Suburbanites will be afraid to come into the city for care. So, less strain on resources.
Hear this. I am not gonna pack the Supreme Court. I'm just gonna ignore decisions I don't like. Hey, like Stalin said about the Pope: How many divisions does the Court have?
Second Amendment. We ain't takin' anyone's guns away. Butt ammo's another story. No bullets, no killing. Take up golf.
Oh, where's Streisand. Babs, I'm keeping my promise: On Day One, Gun World, Guns and Ammo, the rest, I'll tell the USPS to classify them as gun porn. No delivery.
Pilot project we'll start this spring in Seattle: police officers may carry their weapons only in station houses, not on patrol where they’re more likely to be used.
Don't talk to me about human rights and China. Just talked with President Xi before comin' out here. We made a deal.
If you’ve been payin' attention, you know China’s been proppin' us up for years. Now they’ve threatened to stop buyin' our Treasuries unless we solve one of their naggin' internal problems: risin' Muslim unrest in Xinjiang province.
They’ve proposed a quid pro quo: they’ll keep purchasing T-bills if we commit to the biggest shovel-ready project since the Panama Canal: the Great Wall of Mexico, built by 750,000 expatriated Chinese Uighur Muslims doing jobs no American would.
There's your wall, conservatives. Built by indentured slaves who will be free when their term is up. Our border fanatics will be silenced because we are finally building the barrier they want. With the influx of Chinese laborers, service industries in the Southwest will boom, to my credit.
A few words for you kids out there.
Here’s a question: how do you know if your mom and her partner are Democrats or Republicans? Democrats believe a powerful government will watch over you all your life in exchange for loyalty, just about every dime you make, and your willingness to abide by the decisions of Washington bureaucrats concerning your medical needs.
Republicans are taught to be self-reliant, thrifty and privately generous, which is hurtful to the millions of people who work for our wonderful bureaucracy in order to help their fellow citizens from 9 to 4, weekdays, and not too close to the end of their shift.
Now, I don’t care what Party your folks belong to. Criticism from any corner hurts my self-esteem and distresses me. You don’t want someone with thousands of nuclear weapons at his fingertips feeling depressed, do you? You’re just kids, so how you can stop adults from talking trash about me? Act out. For example, elementary schoolers, put salt in the sugar bowl at home. Or run away. Junior and high school students, flip the grownups a sneaky bird. (Check out my technique on YouTube.) Or program a parental block on Fox News, NFL games, Dancing with the Stars, and Playboy after Dark.
Sure, these actions will have consequences. But anyone punished for taking my side is a victim of domestic political abuse. Don’t remain silent. Tell a teacher. Tell a counselor. Teleprompter. Believe me, I’ll hear about it. Then a man named Mr. Holder will be in touch with you to get a statement.
Let’s talk about money briefly. If you’re lucky, Mom and her partner support you and your brothers and sisters. Well, Mrs. Biden and I are like your second set of parents. We give you and your family tons of cool stuff you probably take for granted: tasteless but healthy school lunches and buses and nice roads and beautiful parks and food stamps and disability benefits and weather forecasts, so forth. I pay for these goodies. Where do I get the money?
Most comes from working people, maybe like your folks. Just as you get an allowance, they give me an allowance, too. Is your allowance enough to buy what you want? Neither is mine. So pretty soon, I’ll ask your Mom and Dad to make some sacrifices, for example, going out to dinner once a month instead of weekly so they can increase my allowance.
I know you wish you could do more to help. Uncle Schumer and Aunt Pelosi are working on that. In a few weeks, they’ll ask me to bypass Congress and issue a directive giving kids from first grade up the right to register and vote at school the day before elections. You’re never too young to participate in the “Democratic” process. Ha ha.
Soon, people called “pollsters” will visit classrooms across America. They’ll ask questions about what you and your folks think about me and what I’m doing to the country. Your teachers will give you the questions in advance, and the correct answer.
Gotta go. My ambulance is here. Remember my motto: "Do unto others before they do unto you."
