[klaxon sounds]
NANCY PELOSI: Red Alert! Damn! Get to your stations, people. Moving to DEFCON 1—imminent loss of the House. Steny, talk to me!
HOYER: [points to computer screen] Look here, Commander: concession rumors, rising in the blogosphere. We’re shooting them down as fast as we can, but some are getting through.
PELOSI: Stay on it. Target their launchers.
RON KLAIN: A Fox News recon team is probing our perimeter, Ma’am.
PELOSI: Probably Tucker Carlson’s unit. Release the dogs.
CHUCK SCHUMER: Murray, Kelly, and Fetterman report taking direct hits from late running precision-targeted spots. They’re requesting additional air support. Uh, we lack the resources to . . .
PELOSI: I know. Triage Warnock and Hassan.
HOYER: Keith Olbermann on line 2, Nancy.
PELOSI: On speaker. Keith, how can I . . .
OLBERMANN: Hey Nancy. {whispers] What are you wearing?
PELOSI: [hangs up] Creep.
JAMES CLYBURN: It’s looking dire in Western Pennsylvania. We need a miracle. Lord forgive us for sending those poor souls into battle with our pathetic record on their backs.
PELOSI: Don’t give up yet. [dials phone] Merrick? Activate “Operation Fat Tuesday,” Sector Tango. [hangs up; dials another number] Panther Central, this is Mother Load [sic]. You’re on.
CLYBURN: What’s happening?
PELOSI: Our Philly allies will deliver squads in civvies to designated polling places in the region just before 8:00 p.m. A sympathetic judge has agreed to extend voting hours in those stations until midnight to avoid disenfranchising anyone.
HOYER: Then, under cover of darkness, SEIU press gangs will sweep the streets and homeless shelters, pick up thousands of vagrants, transport them to the polls, and help them cast ballots. It’ll cost us some cigarettes.
Senator Durbin on line 3 from the Senate bunker.
SCHUMER: On Speaker. Dick, what’s up?
DURBIN: The election is lost.
PELOSI: [signals Hoyer to break the connection] Loser.
PRESIDENT BIDEN: When are we going for ice cream?
DR. JILL BIDEN: Soon, dear. Here, have a lollypop to tide you over.
KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: To clarify—the president will make an important announcement on the dairy industry and the need to reduce cow flatulence.
OBAMA: The action’s heating up in Wisconsin and Nevada.
PELOSI: Dispatch force multiplier teams to hot zones in those states. They’ll assist indigenous troops in door-to-door and phone bank offenses.
KLAIN: Barney Frank is on line 2. He insists on speaking with you, sir.
PELOSI: [grabs phone] Hey Barney, you . . .
FRANK: Don’t interrupt me, Nancy. I . . .
PELOSI: [breaks connection] No more calls, Steny.
SCHUMER: Just talked with Governor Hochul. She’s ringing voting sites in GOP suburban strongholds with acoustic repulsors, but she’s running short. Wants to know if we can spare a few.
PELOSI: Negative. Ron, are all our PSYOPS units deployed?
KLAIN: Yes, Ma’am. Unmarked vans are cruising tossup districts in seventeen states, blasting out, “VOTE REPUBLICAN” at an eardrum-shattering 150 decibels.
HOYER: Situation reports are beginning to come in from the Midwest, Commander. We’ve identified three dozen contests trending more heavily to the enemy than expected.
PELOSI: Key in the pre-programmed Code Red mass emergency phone notification system for GOP neighborhoods in those precincts. Word the message this way: “Warning: you’re advised to lock your doors and stay home until polls close and the danger of voting Republican has passed.”
SCHUMER: Karine, alert Blitzer and the other network anchors to begin spreading disinformation on poll closing times at 4:00 p.m. eastern.
Ron, what’s the status of our effort to disrupt Fox’s reporting?
KLAIN: When Hannity comes on, Brian Stelter will place an anonymous call to Fox and warn them the show is a bomb in their lineup. Good chance Fox execs will misconstrue and evacuate the building.
PELOSI: Our legal teams report in?
HOYER: All fifty are in place. They’ll challenge any contest we lose by ten percent or less. Democratic Secretaries of State are standing by to assist.
CLYBURN: A lot of our people are in harm’s way, Commander. A word from you would raise morale.
PELOSI: I’ll text them this: “We shall fight them in the sushi bars, we shall fight them on the campuses, we shall fight them in the Starbucks. I shall remain a big spender. I have nothing to offer but mud, debt, and a shot and a beer.”
HOYER: Nancy, will you pull the trigger on “Operation Scorched Earth” if you lose the Speakership?
PELOSI: Yes, though he doesn’t exist, may God forgive me. I’ll signal Globe Magazine to drop the “Trump and Epstein--In Bed Together?” bomb in a special post-election edition.
BILL CLINTON: Nancy, no! The fallout!
PELOSI: Who let Clinton in here?
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