Birth of a Notion (Bumped)

DR. JILL BIDEN: The President's getting ready for his afternoon game of shuffle ball on the South Lawn.  He's looking in virtually.  [speaks to screen on wall] You OK, dear?

JOE BIDEN: I'm good.   Everyone, Dr. Jill will run the meeting.  I’ll be along in a bit.  Kamala, take notes.  And keep it short, people.  I wanna go for ice cream in Delaware before supper.  Ron, have Air Force One gassed and ready.

RON KLAIN: Uh, before you get to your game, Mr. President, Senator Sanders has delivered a dozen more extra-constitutional executive orders he wants you to sign.

DR. JILL: Klain, look at me when you talk to him.

 

 

BIDEN: Jeez Louise!  That's what, forty EOs Bernie's shoved in my face since the inauguration.  Maybe I just give him my autopen.

KLAIN: He is aggressive, sir.  On the plus side, by the time appeals to overturn them reach SCOTUS, we’ll have packed the Court.  Game over.

BARACK OBAMA: What’s the first order, Ron?

KLAIN: Expanding abortion rights.  We’ve already pushed the envelope to allow mothers to abort fetuses after they’ve exited the womb. This order extends a woman’s right to terminate a pregnancy up to one year after birth.

DR. JILL: His rationale?

KLAIN: Women need more time to determine if they can handle the responsibility of raising a child.   

DR. JILL: If the answer is “no”?

KLAIN: The order permits them to euthanize the potential life form before it becomes fully human at, say, around two. 

[enter the president]

OBAMA: Hmm. Then we  encourage women in this position to work with Planned Parenthood’s licensed body parts harvesters.

BIDEN: Man, that’s tough.  Hey, I got an idea: you’re not sure you wanna keep the proto human life form, you don’t cut the umbilical cord until you’ve made up your mind.  The cord stays on, so what's at the end of it is still part of the woman's body, which is hers to do with as she pleases.

DR. JILL: Works for me. 

KLAIN: The second order recognizes the right of the nation’s LGBTQ animal population to live their lives free from discrimination or hate speech arising from whose butt they just sniffed.

DR JILL: I can live with that.  But include a provision allowing federally funded trans-species surgery if, say, a dog thinks it should have been born a cat. 

KLAIN: Time for one more: Senator Sanders thinks D. C. and Puerto Rico will become states in the near future, padding our numbers in the House and Senate.

BIDEN: So?

KLAIN:  But he believes the Party needs more breathing room.  He recommends cutting California in half, demarcation line being just south of San Francisco-Oakland.  State of Northern California, State of Southern California.  Two more Senate seats.

BIDEN:  No way, José.  The courts will squash us flat with restraining orders.

OBAMA: So we pay no attention to judges or legalities.  Who’s going to enforce orders that we desist?  Us?

DR. JILL: One last thing: how do we ensure next year’s midterms don’t cost us the House and Senate?

SUSAN RICE: We keep giving money to people to stay home instead of work—a powerful incentive to vote Democrat.

BIDEN: I . . .

DR. JILL:  Shuddup, Joe.  I disagree, Susan.  Too speculative. Another idea?  Janet?

JANET YELLEN: We could cut the unemployment rate to zero by hiring all fifteen million officially unemployed to locate and register the sixteen million who’ve stopped looking for work.

BIDEN: Whoa! Then I can truthfully say I created fifteen million good jobs. But what do we do with them when they finish their assignments and identify the sixteen million give-uppers?

RICE: We hire all thirty-one million as Labor Department information specialists. Their job: locate and identify the nation’s twenty million underemployed.

DR. JILL: And then?

OBAMA: I know.  On condition they employ the folks we hired to find them, we award the underemployed federal grants and tax breaks to start or expand small businesses, guaranteeing government to be the primary purchaser of their goods and services.  Failure is impossible.

BIDEN: Let’s go that route, OK Jill?  Oh, man, two years from now, we’ll be dealing with a labor shortage. Can we hold Trump responsible should that happen?

Bunker Mode - Reprise/Update

                                     [klaxon sounds]

NANCY PELOSI: Red Alert! Damn! Get to your stations, people. Moving to DEFCON 1—imminent loss of the House. Steny, talk to me!

HOYER: [points to computer screen] Look here, Commander: concession rumors, rising in the blogosphere. We’re shooting them down as fast as we can, but some are getting through.

PELOSI: Stay on it. Target their launchers.

RON KLAIN: A Fox News recon team is probing our perimeter, Ma’am. 

PELOSI: Probably Tucker Carlson’s unit. Release the dogs.

CHUCK SCHUMER: Murray, Kelly, and Fetterman report taking direct hits from late running precision-targeted spots. They’re requesting additional air support. Uh, we lack the resources to . . . 

PELOSI: I know. Triage Warnock and Hassan.

HOYER: Keith Olbermann on line 2, Nancy.

PELOSI: On speaker. Keith, how can I . . .

OLBERMANN: Hey Nancy. {whispers] What are you wearing?

PELOSI: [hangs up] Creep.

 

JAMES CLYBURN: It’s looking dire in Western Pennsylvania.  We need a miracle. Lord forgive us for sending those poor souls into battle with our pathetic record on their backs.

PELOSI: Don’t give up yet. [dials phone] Merrick? Activate “Operation Fat Tuesday,” Sector Tango. [hangs up; dials another number] Panther Central, this is Mother Load [sic]. You’re on.

CLYBURN: What’s happening?

PELOSI: Our Philly allies will deliver squads in civvies to designated polling places in the region just before 8:00 p.m. A sympathetic judge has agreed to extend voting hours in those stations until midnight to avoid disenfranchising anyone.

HOYER: Then, under cover of darkness, SEIU press gangs will sweep the streets and homeless shelters, pick up thousands of vagrants, transport them to the polls, and help them cast ballots. It’ll cost us some cigarettes.

Senator Durbin on line 3 from the Senate bunker.

SCHUMER: On Speaker. Dick, what’s up?

DURBIN: The election is lost.

PELOSI: [signals Hoyer to break the connection] Loser.

PRESIDENT BIDEN: When are we going for ice cream?

DR. JILL BIDEN: Soon, dear.  Here, have a lollypop to tide you over.

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: To clarify—the president will make an important announcement on the dairy industry and the need to reduce cow flatulence.

OBAMA: The action’s heating up in Wisconsin and Nevada.

PELOSI: Dispatch force multiplier teams to hot zones in those states. They’ll assist indigenous troops in door-to-door and phone bank offenses.

KLAIN: Barney Frank is on line 2. He insists on speaking with you, sir.

PELOSI: [grabs phone] Hey Barney, you . . .

FRANK: Don’t interrupt me, Nancy. I . . .

PELOSI: [breaks connection] No more calls, Steny.

SCHUMER: Just talked with Governor Hochul. She’s ringing voting sites in GOP suburban strongholds with acoustic repulsors, but she’s running short. Wants to know if we can spare a few.

PELOSI: Negative.  Ron, are all our PSYOPS units deployed?

KLAIN: Yes, Ma’am. Unmarked vans are cruising tossup districts in seventeen states, blasting out, “VOTE REPUBLICAN” at an eardrum-shattering 150 decibels.

HOYER: Situation reports are beginning to come in from the Midwest, Commander. We’ve identified three dozen contests trending more heavily to the enemy than expected.

PELOSI: Key in the pre-programmed Code Red mass emergency phone notification system for GOP neighborhoods in those precincts. Word the message this way: “Warning: you’re advised to lock your doors and stay home until polls close and the danger of voting Republican has passed.”

SCHUMER:  Karine, alert Blitzer and the other network anchors to begin spreading disinformation on poll closing times at 4:00 p.m. eastern.

Ron, what’s the status of our effort to disrupt Fox’s reporting?

KLAIN: When Hannity comes on, Brian Stelter will place an anonymous call to Fox and warn them the show is a bomb in their lineup. Good chance Fox execs will misconstrue and evacuate the building.

PELOSI: Our legal teams report in?

HOYER: All fifty are in place. They’ll challenge any contest we lose by ten percent or less. Democratic Secretaries of State are standing by to assist.

CLYBURN: A lot of our people are in harm’s way, Commander. A word from you would raise morale.

PELOSI: I’ll text them this: “We shall fight them in the sushi bars, we shall fight them on the campuses, we shall fight them in the Starbucks. I shall remain a big spender. I have nothing to offer but mud, debt, and a shot and a beer.”

HOYER: Nancy, will you pull the trigger on “Operation Scorched Earth” if you lose the Speakership?

PELOSI: Yes, though he doesn’t exist, may God forgive me. I’ll signal Globe Magazine to drop the “Trump and Epstein--In Bed Together?” bomb in a special post-election edition.

BILL CLINTON: Nancy, no! The fallout!

PELOSI: Who let Clinton in here?

Bullet Points

President Biden’s Secret, Select International Commission on Disarming American Citizens

PRESENT:

President Joe Biden (remotely from bathroom)
Dr. Jill Biden
Barack Obama, the Man Behind the Curtain
President of China, Xi Jinping
Charles Schumer, Senate Majority Misleader
Nancy Pelosi, Squeaker of the House
Michael Bloomberg, Bankroller
Barbra Streisand, Celebrity Busybody
Tony Morgazzo, President, Brotherhood of Muggers and Breakers and Enterers
Piers Morgan, Hands Across the Water Foundation

BIDEN:  Awright, let’s get started.   No palimentary crap like, “The Chair recognizes so-and-so,” “Who wants to have a movement,” or “I second the notion,” yada, yada.  Just gimme your ideas and I´ll talk it over with the Boss.

OBAMA:  Sounds good, Joe.

TONY MORGAZZO: You’ll never get all the guns, Mr. President. I suggest the government continues to buy up ammo.  Better yet, order Consumer Affairs to shut down ammunition manufacturers because of high concentrations of lead in their products. Ban importation for the same reason.

BIDEN: That would cost us jobs. Get the same result by requiring producers to sell all their product to Homeland Security, law enforcement, and Defense.  Homeland Security alone needs 5000 rounds of hollow points for every man, woman, and child in the country.

 

 

 

PRESIDENT XI: Confucius say, “Outlaw bullets, only outlaws will have bullets.” [puzzled silence]

BIDEN: Did you just make a suggestion, President Xi?

SENATOR SCHUMER: I’m not sure, but I think he means a ban will result in a flourishing civilian black market in rounds.

XI: To limit such activity, approve China as sole supplier to American gun owners of reasonably priced, reduced lead, powder-lite ™ cartridges.

BIDEN: Nice. In time, people’ll get used to guns that just go “pfhit.” You got a face on you, Tony. What’s the problem?

MORGAZZO: Yeah: “in time.” But potential marks still got a lota ammo stocked up out there.  My guys need protection from unexpected resistance as they ply their trade

BIDEN: Mandatory year in the clink for obstructing a felony—that work for you?

BARBRA STREISAND: What about high-capacity magazines?

BIDEN: Covered, Babs. Gun World, Guns and Ammo, the rest,
USPS has classified “gun porn.” No delivery.

MORGAN: You chaps need to disarm your police, like we did our Bobbies.

SCHUMER: Mayor?

BLOOMBERG: Pilot project starts next week in Los Angeles.  Police officers may carry their weapons only in station houses, not on patrol where they’re more likely to be used.

BIDEN: Enough jabbering.  Time to act.

I'll address the country this afternoon; tell people they can have a national debate about guns until midnight. Then I'll sign the Executive Order President Obama wrote for me in my own words: It reads:

“Anything fires a projectile, any projectile, it’s banned.

Clear enough for ya? No handguns, no rifles, no bazookas, no crossbows, no BB shooters, no nerf guns, no slingshots, no water pistols. No exceptions.

Whatever weapons you got now that foul afall of the order—uh, fall afoul of the order—you pile at the curb and my new Civilian National Security Corpse will come by and collect ‘em. You wanna appeal to the Supremes, go ahead. Guess which branch of government enforces their decrees—or not."

Gimme five, Piers.