Obama War Room: I Do Too Know What I’m Doing

JOHN KERRY: Our ruse of weakness and capitulation is working, sir. Everyone thinks Putin ate your lunch.

OBAMA: Yes. All part of the plan.

JAY CARNEY: Plan, sir? You never told . . .

OBAMA: Through a combination of bluster and pusillanimity, Jay, I tricked Putin into going all in on Syria--6 warships in the Med and a big push to rearm Assad. It’s taking a chunk out of Russia’s budget.

CARNEY: But our friends in Eastern Europe now doubt our commitment to protect them from the waking Bear.

OBAMA: As well they should. I want Putin to start thinking about reconstituting the Warsaw Pact and extending Russian influence to the Atlantic as we pull back.

KERRY: See, Jay, the only way to check a new Russian Empire is to encourage one resembling the old Soviet model.

OBAMA: In two years Russia becomes big, bloated, and hidebound again. More territory to defend, obscene military budgets, restive populations. The Soviet Union 2.0—a lumbering, doomed giant. Meanwhile, we’re sitting pretty on the sidelines, a no-threat former superpower watching it all go down.

KERRY: The president’s playing the long game, Jay. We retreat and let Russia become the counterweight to China and Iran so we can concentrate on implementing ObamaCare. Next week, the president will deliver an address to the U.N. calling for the dissolution of NATO as a cold war relic.

CARNEY: Better let me write this one, Mr. President. Lately your speeches have been full of ground round and curry, dignifying frothing.

KERRY: Meanwhile, I’ll announce U.S. participation in Putin’s proposed economic initiative to help ease transition to Russian hegemony on the Continent. He’s calling it the ´´Greater European Co-Prosperity Sphere.´´

CARNEY: Has a nice ring to it, sir.

(Adapted from You Hear Me, Barack?)