Hillary War Room: Attend Me

HUMA ABEDIN: Empress, Empress, the Benghazi Select Committee has announced its intention to subpoena you!

HILLARY: [snort] I think my schedule is full through 2016, Huma.

BILL: Honey, you can’t ignore a subpoena!

HILLARY: Sure I can. Depends on the meaning of  "ignore." Observe. [beckons to a Secret Service agent] You there. Come before me.

ABEDIN: [whispers to agent] It is time for incense adoration. Advance with me into her presence as I swing the thurible.

You may meet her gaze or keep eyes downcast, as you choose. But do not look at her legs.

HILLARY: Team Leader . . .  Smith, is it not?

AGENT: I'm Jones, Ma'am

HILLARY: Whatever. Your family is well?

AGENT: All dead in that pileup on I-95 outside Washington last night, Ma’am.

HILLARY: A shame. Huma! Send this man a fruit basket with my best wishes. Now, sirrah, you are honor-bound to protect me from harm. Correct?

AGENT: Yes, Ma’am.

HILLARY: Does your definition of “harm” include emotional distress occasioned by the delivery of a subpoena to my person?

AGENT: Seems a pretty broad interpretation of . . .

HILLARY: Hear this: If my private space is breached and I am handed a summons, the shame would leave me no choice but to hold my breath until I expire. Like so:

 

And you would bear responsibility, the disgrace attaching to your name and descendants, if you have any left, for a thousand years.

AGENT: I understand, Ma’am.

ABEDIN: Defying the Committee carries risks, Your Grace.

JAMES BEGALA: She's right, Sensei. A suggestion: agree to appear out of civic duty, charging only half the normal fee. To avoid accidentally blurting the truth, take a fifth before testifying to render your responses incoherent. I recommend Jim Beam Signature Bourbon.

HILLARY: Yessss. And when the badgering starts, I’ll feint [sic], strike my head on the table, and display symptoms of a concussion. They’ll have to excuse me.

BILL: Maybe so, dear. I wouldn't underestimate Gowdy, though. He’ll issue another subpoena.

HILLARY: Which you could reject, citing Former Chief Executive Privilege. But . . . it wouldn't look good.  So, Huma, message the Chairman I’ll testify voluntarily--if he agrees to provide a few simple necessities in the hearing room. They are . . .

BILL: [sotto voce] uh-oh.

HILLARY: . . . a wing-back Bergère witness chair; servers of dragon fruit and African cucumber, along with a cheese sampler from Reynaud’s of Paris; two bottles of Perrier; a facet-cut French drinking glass; and a partridge in a pear tree.

BILL: That all? Okay. 

 HILLARY: Moving on . . . Serpenthead! Report on Christie, if you please.

JAMES CARVILLE: Big man's creepin' up in the polls like a tick on a possum’s leg, Missus.

BEGALA: Research and Destroy just updated his file, Excellency. Say the word and we’ll blow him out of the water.

HILLARY: Why wait until he’s out of the water?

BEGALA: Um . . .

HILLARY: Never mind. Hold fire on Blimpie for now. Instead, task Zogby to run a poll with this question: “Will Governor Christie’s morbid obesity, abrasive personality, and ethical shortcomings make it more likely or less likely you’d support him for president over Secretary Clinton?”

CARVILLE: Uh, Missus, just got a note from the “ Hot Italian-American Women for Clinton PAC 'n PLAY” Bill founded last month. The principals are planning a layover in Washington next week and want him to . . .

BILL: Honey, it’s not what you think. I swear . . .

HILLARY: Shuddup, Bill. [glaring] Mark me. I catch you sampling tasty dishes, you’ll be swimming with the fishes. Capiche?