Election Day 2014: In the Bunker*

[klaxon sounds]

HARRY REID: Red Alert! Moving to DEFCON 1. 

CHUCK SCHUMER: [pointing at monitor] Look here, Commander. Rumors of blowouts rising in the blogosphere.

REID: Shoot them down! Target their launchers!

DICK DURBIN: Landrieu’s reporting hits from precision-targeted spots. She’s requesting additional air support.

REID: Do it. Triage Braley and Udall.

DURBIN: Our troops are going house-to-house in Minnesota and meeting heavy resistance.

REID: Dispatch force multiplier teams to Minneapolis, Duluth, and St. Paul.

DURBIN: Distress calls coming in from from Begich, Pryor, and Shaheen.

REID: Key in the pre-programmed Code Red emergency phone notification system in those zones. Message: ´´Warning! Wherever you are, lock your doors and stay inside until polls close and the danger of voting Republican has passed.´´

SCHUMER: I’ll alert the network anchors to begin targeted disinformation on poll closing times.

DURBIN: Commander, our people are in harm’s way. A word from you would raise morale.

REID: I’ll text them this: ´´We shall fight them in the sushi bars, we shall fight them on the campuses, we shall fight them in the Starbucks. I shall remain a big spender. I have nothing to offer but mud, debt, and a shot and a beer at the Searchlight Nugget Casino.´´

SCHUMER: What if we lose?

REID: Then, may God, though he doesn’t exist, forgive me: I’ll ask the president to void the election, citing widespread voter fraud.

DURBIN: Um, that was us, Commander.

REID: Whatever.

DURBIN: We can’t reschedule midterms until the DOJ investigation is complete . . . which means never.

REID: Correct. So we’ll skip the 114th Congress. The 113th continues to sit until the 115th takes over in January 2017.

SCHUMER: McConnell delenda est.

*Variation of a piece in You Hear Me, Barack? PC-Free Conservative Satire