Joe Biden on "60 Interminable Minutes"

BYRON PITTS: Thanks for coming in, Mr. Vice President.

BIDEN: Glad to, Brad.  How’re Angelina, the kids?

PITTS: Um, fine, sir.

BIDEN: Hey, this interview’s on deep background, okay?

PITTS: We’re live, Mr. Vice-President.
 

BIDEN: Whatever.  Hit me with your best shot.

PITTS: Is our government broken?

BIDEN: No, Bruce. The country’s in bad shape, yes, but the federal government hasn’t been this hale and hearty since I became a senator in ’73.

PITTS: Would you list some accomplishments of the Obama administration?

BIDEN: Sure.  One, under President Obama, Americans don’t hafta worry about the Black Plague; two, as we unilaterally decommission our nukes, we gain credibility with Putin, the Ayatollahs, and Kim Young-un.  Finally, our immigration policy guarantees everyone landscaping services at an affordable price.

PITTS: Will the president use his “bully pulpit” to help ordinary citizens understand fossil fuels must be phased out ASAP?

BIDEN: Actually, Barry, he uses the bully pulpit to bully people.   As to your question: yes, we’ve had to federalize fuel stocks and set gasoline and home heating oil prices at unaffordable levels, but people need a kick in the pants if we’re gonna transition from two-ton gas guzzlers and oil furnaces to wind-powered runabouts and solar heating.

PITTS: Do you lunch with the president once a week as did other vice presidents before you?

BIDEN: Yeah, I do, Bob.  I mean, I don’t actually join him in the Residence, but I can eat in the White House Mess every Thursday, and the president’s a short walk away if he ever wants to see me.

PITTS: How often is that?

BIDEN: Next question.

PITTS: Hypothetical: Israel attacks Iran’s nuclear sites.  What does the president do?

BIDEN: Won’t happen.  Contingency plans exist to take out Israel’s air force and Fox News headquarters if a strike appears imminent.  That’s classified info, Bret.  Can’t talk about it.  

PITTS: One more: we capture a Tea Partier with al Qaeda ties who’s still so upset over the GM bailout he’s planted a nuclear device somewhere in Washington.  Your advice to President Obama?

BIDEN: First, I confirm they’ve saved me a spot in the White House Operations Bunker, which is situated 300 feet beneath the East Room and accessible by a secret elevator in the Residence.  The bunker’s a world-class panic room protected by 10 foot thick concrete/rebar walls and a coded 25 ton triple-tiered steel blast door.  Safest place on the planet.  Well, against a nuke maybe. But a terrorist could introduce some fine-powdered anthrax into the bunker if he accessed the heating vents outside the . . . .

PITTS: Your advice to the president about the Tea Party jihadist, sir?

BIDEN: I said, “Look Boss, we gotta squeeze ‘im for info, but humanely, to keep the ACLU off our backs.  How?  Mortarboard the guy.”

PITTS: Mortarboard?

BIDEN: Teams of CIA religious scholars in full academic regalia lecturin’ him around the clock on the superiority of Shia Islam over Sunni Islam.   Until he breaks.
 
PITTS: If he doesn’t?

BIDEN: Then he gets nothin’ to drink but D.C. tap water, day in, day out, just D.C. tap water.  After three days, he’ll sing like a canary.

PITTS: Waterboredom?  We’d go that far?

BIDEN: It’s in the new interrogation manual Eric Holder ran by Iranian mullahs.  They signed off on it.

PITTS: Our time’s running short, sir.  Any thoughts on helping the victims of Bush’s global recession, now in its seventh year. 

BIDEN: Yeah.  Between you and me, next week the president’s gonna announce a new economic strategy we’re callin’ “The Splurge,” deployin’ an additional trillion dollars we don’t have to fight a futile worldwide War on Poverty.  Krugman of the Times wrote the book on redistribution of wealth. He’ll direct the effort.  

PITTS: We’d better stop here.  Thanks for your time, Mr. Vice President.

BIDEN: You got it, Brad.

Joe Biden Almost Addresses the Nation

OBAMA: Okay, Joe.  I'll let you carry the ball on this one.  Let’s hear what you’ll tell the country tomorrow night about your gun commission’s recommendations.  

BIDEN: Straight to the point, Big Guy.  You’re gonna like it.  Here goes:

Hey, howya doin’, folks?  I bet you’re thinkin’, “Why’s ole Joe in the Oval Office?”

I’ll tell ya: the Boss doesn’t want his fingerprints on this one.  He said to me, “Joe, I need you to lay down the law on guns.  I can’t, because aside from deciding who to kill with drones,  I have a problem makin’ big decisions.  

Use the Oval Office. Sit in my chair. Maybe someday it´ll be your chair, God help us.  I don’t even want to know what you’re proposing.  Surprise me.”

So, here I am with my recommendation.  Yeah, that’s right, “recommendation.”  No 2000 page report with chapters, subsections, and the like.  Just this one sheet of paper I’m holdin’ up.  On the sheet, one sentence.

Let’s see, 8:04 now.  The country can have a national debate about this until midnight.  Then the order gets signed by Executive Autopen.  The Boss says nobody can actually prove he signed it if the whole thing goes kablooie.

Here’s the deal, and I quote: “Anything fires a projectile, any projectile, it’s banned.”

Clear enough for ya?  No handguns, no rifles, no bazookas, no crossbows, no BB shooters, no nerf guns, no slingshots, no water pistols.  No exceptions.

Whatever weapons you got now that foul afall of the order—uh, fall afoul of the order—you pile ‘em on the curb and the president’s new Civilian National Security Corpse will come by and collect ‘em. 

You wanna appeal to the Supremes, go ahead. Guess which branch of government enforces their decrees.

Now, if you´re listenin’, Piers Morgan, press your hand to the screen and gimme five.

God bless America.

Whatcha think, Chief?  

OBAMA: Val, feel Hillary out about coming on board as vp. Tell her Joe is a real Number Two and we’ve convinced him to resign and spend more time with his family.