BYRON PITTS: Thanks for coming in, Mr. Vice President.
BIDEN: Glad to, Brad. How’re Angelina, the kids?
PITTS: Um, fine, sir.
BIDEN: Hey, this interview’s on deep background, okay?
PITTS: We’re live, Mr. Vice-President.
BIDEN: Glad to, Brad. How’re Angelina, the kids?
PITTS: Um, fine, sir.
BIDEN: Hey, this interview’s on deep background, okay?
PITTS: We’re live, Mr. Vice-President.
BIDEN: Whatever. Hit
me with your best shot.
PITTS: Is our government broken?
BIDEN: No, Bruce. The country’s in bad shape, yes, but the federal government hasn’t been this hale and hearty since I became a senator in ’73.
PITTS: Would you list some accomplishments of the Obama administration?
BIDEN: Sure. One, under President Obama, Americans don’t hafta worry about the Black Plague; two, as we unilaterally decommission our nukes, we gain credibility with Putin, the Ayatollahs, and Kim Young-un. Finally, our immigration policy guarantees everyone landscaping services at an affordable price.
PITTS: Will the president use his “bully pulpit” to help ordinary citizens understand fossil fuels must be phased out ASAP?
PITTS: Is our government broken?
BIDEN: No, Bruce. The country’s in bad shape, yes, but the federal government hasn’t been this hale and hearty since I became a senator in ’73.
PITTS: Would you list some accomplishments of the Obama administration?
BIDEN: Sure. One, under President Obama, Americans don’t hafta worry about the Black Plague; two, as we unilaterally decommission our nukes, we gain credibility with Putin, the Ayatollahs, and Kim Young-un. Finally, our immigration policy guarantees everyone landscaping services at an affordable price.
PITTS: Will the president use his “bully pulpit” to help ordinary citizens understand fossil fuels must be phased out ASAP?
BIDEN: Actually, Barry, he uses the bully
pulpit to bully people. As to your question: yes, we’ve had to federalize fuel
stocks and set gasoline and home heating oil prices at unaffordable levels, but
people need a kick in the pants if we’re gonna transition from two-ton gas
guzzlers and oil furnaces to wind-powered runabouts and solar heating.
PITTS: Do you lunch with the president once a week as did other vice presidents before you?
BIDEN: Yeah, I do, Bob. I mean, I don’t actually join him in the Residence, but I can eat in the White House Mess every Thursday, and the president’s a short walk away if he ever wants to see me.
PITTS: How often is that?
BIDEN: Next question.
PITTS: Hypothetical: Israel attacks Iran’s nuclear sites. What does the president do?
BIDEN: Won’t happen. Contingency plans exist to take out Israel’s air force and Fox News headquarters if a strike appears imminent. That’s classified info, Bret. Can’t talk about it.
PITTS: Do you lunch with the president once a week as did other vice presidents before you?
BIDEN: Yeah, I do, Bob. I mean, I don’t actually join him in the Residence, but I can eat in the White House Mess every Thursday, and the president’s a short walk away if he ever wants to see me.
PITTS: How often is that?
BIDEN: Next question.
PITTS: Hypothetical: Israel attacks Iran’s nuclear sites. What does the president do?
BIDEN: Won’t happen. Contingency plans exist to take out Israel’s air force and Fox News headquarters if a strike appears imminent. That’s classified info, Bret. Can’t talk about it.
PITTS: One more: we
capture a Tea Partier with al Qaeda ties who’s still so upset over the GM
bailout he’s planted a nuclear device somewhere in Washington. Your advice to
President Obama?
BIDEN: First, I confirm they’ve saved me a spot in the White House Operations Bunker, which is situated 300 feet beneath the East Room and accessible by a secret elevator in the Residence. The bunker’s a world-class panic room protected by 10 foot thick concrete/rebar walls and a coded 25 ton triple-tiered steel blast door. Safest place on the planet. Well, against a nuke maybe. But a terrorist could introduce some fine-powdered anthrax into the bunker if he accessed the heating vents outside the . . . .
PITTS: Your advice to the president about the Tea Party jihadist, sir?
BIDEN: First, I confirm they’ve saved me a spot in the White House Operations Bunker, which is situated 300 feet beneath the East Room and accessible by a secret elevator in the Residence. The bunker’s a world-class panic room protected by 10 foot thick concrete/rebar walls and a coded 25 ton triple-tiered steel blast door. Safest place on the planet. Well, against a nuke maybe. But a terrorist could introduce some fine-powdered anthrax into the bunker if he accessed the heating vents outside the . . . .
PITTS: Your advice to the president about the Tea Party jihadist, sir?
PITTS: Mortarboard?
BIDEN: Teams of CIA religious scholars in full academic regalia lecturin’ him around the clock on the superiority of Shia Islam over Sunni Islam. Until he breaks.
PITTS: If he doesn’t?
BIDEN: Then he gets nothin’ to drink but D.C. tap water, day in, day out, just D.C. tap water. After three days, he’ll sing like a canary.
PITTS: Waterboredom? We’d go that far?
BIDEN: It’s in the new interrogation manual Eric Holder ran by Iranian mullahs. They signed off on it.
PITTS: Our time’s running short, sir. Any thoughts on helping the victims of Bush’s global recession, now in its seventh year.
BIDEN: Yeah. Between you and me, next week the president’s gonna announce a new economic strategy we’re callin’ “The Splurge,” deployin’ an additional trillion dollars we don’t have to fight a futile worldwide War on Poverty. Krugman of the Times wrote the book on redistribution of wealth. He’ll direct the effort.
PITTS: We’d better stop here. Thanks for your time, Mr. Vice President.
BIDEN: You got it, Brad.
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