Joe Biden Almost Addresses the Nation

OBAMA: Okay, Joe.  I'll let you carry the ball on this one.  Let’s hear what you’ll tell the country tomorrow night about your gun commission’s recommendations.  

BIDEN: Straight to the point, Big Guy.  You’re gonna like it.  Here goes:

Hey, howya doin’, folks?  I bet you’re thinkin’, “Why’s ole Joe in the Oval Office?”

I’ll tell ya: the Boss doesn’t want his fingerprints on this one.  He said to me, “Joe, I need you to lay down the law on guns.  I can’t, because aside from deciding who to kill with drones,  I have a problem makin’ big decisions.  

Use the Oval Office. Sit in my chair. Maybe someday it´ll be your chair, God help us.  I don’t even want to know what you’re proposing.  Surprise me.”

So, here I am with my recommendation.  Yeah, that’s right, “recommendation.”  No 2000 page report with chapters, subsections, and the like.  Just this one sheet of paper I’m holdin’ up.  On the sheet, one sentence.

Let’s see, 8:04 now.  The country can have a national debate about this until midnight.  Then the order gets signed by Executive Autopen.  The Boss says nobody can actually prove he signed it if the whole thing goes kablooie.

Here’s the deal, and I quote: “Anything fires a projectile, any projectile, it’s banned.”

Clear enough for ya?  No handguns, no rifles, no bazookas, no crossbows, no BB shooters, no nerf guns, no slingshots, no water pistols.  No exceptions.

Whatever weapons you got now that foul afall of the order—uh, fall afoul of the order—you pile ‘em on the curb and the president’s new Civilian National Security Corpse will come by and collect ‘em. 

You wanna appeal to the Supremes, go ahead. Guess which branch of government enforces their decrees.

Now, if you´re listenin’, Piers Morgan, press your hand to the screen and gimme five.

God bless America.

Whatcha think, Chief?  

OBAMA: Val, feel Hillary out about coming on board as vp. Tell her Joe is a real Number Two and we’ve convinced him to resign and spend more time with his family.