Grapes of Roth

Reprised from 2010 and maybe an inkling of where Democrats plan to take us should they sweep in 2020.

JOE BIDEN: Man, the wingnuts could smoke us in midterms. You nailed it, Boss; if they win, Boehner and McConnell’ll be drivin’ the bus while we’re sittin’ in back scratchin’ our butts.

OBAMA: Didn’t say that, Joe. Said I was “itching for a fight.” There’s still hope. Dan?  

PFEIFFER: The earlier we go on the attack, the better, sir.  Soros’s PAC already cut an ad. Opens with a Latino woman breastfeeding her baby at home when Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s SWAT team storms in, arrests her for exposing herself to a minor, carts her to the Rio Grande, throws her in, and laughs as she paddles to Mexico.

The voiceover: “It’s 2015 and Republicans control Congress.”

OBAMA: Okay! What happens to the baby?  

PFIEFFER: Orphanage. Right out of Dickens.

JAY CARNEY: Here’s another, sir: on background, I’ll tell the anchors Boehner wants to discourage abortions by requiring women to register their uteri with HHS. That’ll get all the scandals off the front pages for a couple days.

BIDEN: I got one, Chief: a House Democrat switches parties then introduces a bill criminalizing the application of makeup while driving.  


OBAMA: Good. We go positive, too. Republicans are gaining traction on immigration and austerity. Let’s counter.  Eric?

ERIC HOLDER: Disband the INS and employ drug traffickers to police our southern border, sir; they know the territory and consider people smugglers scum.

VALERIE JARRETT: That would save us a bundle and show you’re serious about stopping uncredentialed landscapers infiltrating from Juárez and Tegucigalpa. 


OBAMA: No good. Streisand has her Shangri-La estate in Malibu where half those people wind up. I lose her, I lose Hollywood.  Besides, why stop the flow of irregular expatriates who’ll vote for me when I amnestitize them? Anyone else?

JACK LEW: Sell China drilling rights off the coasts of Florida and California, sir, then have our enviros tie up the deal in court. If the court rules for the companies, a DNC black ops team will blow a wellhead, setting exploiters back a decade. Your hands would be clean.

OBAMA: No way we can let those rigs produce.  Gasoline’s four bucks a gallon right now, a far cry from our $10 a gallon goal. Last thing I want is more product and lower prices.  

JARRETT: You haven’t responded to China’s offer to lease California and build mega-manufactories staffed by restive Muslims from Xinxiang.

OBAMA: I dunno. The Chinese say they just want “Made in the USA” tags on their stuff. Sounds harmless enough, but something smells wrong.  Stall them. John?  

KERRY: French President Hollande called, sir. He’ll accept return of Jefferson’s 1803 Louisiana Purchase and refund our $15 million payment, minus a 20% restocking fee.  

OBAMA: Tempting. Get rid of Texas and a couple other red states. That it?

LEW: McConnell and Boehner laughed when I suggested Treasury assume management of the trillions sitting in IRAs, sir. Too bad. The investments we might have made in America’s future!

BIDEN: Wienies. Argentina’s government had the guts to take control of the country’s private pension funds. Argentina! A tinpot regime shows the world’s most progressive declinin’ superpower howda do it.  

OBAMA: Jack, what about the windfall tax revenue you promised from this year’s one time Roth IRA “Pay the IRS now, profit later” conversion deal?  

LEW: The public hasn’t bought into the promotion, sir. Frankly, only an idiot would pay taxes proactively while you’re in office.  

JARRETT: Mr. President, why not go after the Roth trove itself? Most of that money’s owned by the richest 40%, people who don’t need the funds but invested in Roths to help their children and grandchildren evade responsibility for the fix we’re bequeathing them.  

BIDEN: Won’t work, Val. The Hill will never legislate a surtax on Roth withdrawals.  

OBAMA: Val’s not talking some measly 10% surtax, Joe. I want it all, Val.  How do we do manage that?  

JARRETT: Go Argentina one better: citing fiscal eminent domain, nationalize Roth accounts. Holder can drag out the court fight through 2016.  

OBAMA: Brilliant! With more money than God, I‘ll buy off enough legislatures to repeal the 22nd Amendment.  

LEW: Related matter, sir: Barney Frank says the Republicans are undoing all the damage he did with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac during his tenure as Chair of the House Financial Services Committee. He wants a firewall to stop them.  

PFEIFFER: Barney’s right. Took years of neglect for Fannie and Freddie to become a bureaucratic rat’s nest. Republicans are cleaning it out.

OBAMA: I’ll appropriate those organizations and place them in trust with Treasury. Jack, recharter the two as “Fannie Mae"and “Freddie Mac the Knife,” the government’s fully owned “tough love” lenders [snort]. I’ll ask budget hawks Paul Krugman and John Kenneth Galbraith to serve as CEOs.  

PFEIFFER: Galbraith’s dead, sir.  

OBAMA: True. But when critics say his agency reeks of corruption, we’ll have a counter.