From 2012Secretary of State Joe Biden Sails Through Confirmation Hearings

Washington (AP)—If all goes as expected, Vice President Joe Biden and Secretary of State John Kerry will officially trade places at an unprecedented swearing-in ceremony next week in the Rose Garden.

As a mark of courtesy to their former Chairman, Senate Democrats on the Foreign Relations Committee appointed Mr. Kerry Chairman Pro Tempore to allow him to conduct Mr. Biden’s confirmation hearing.

[partial transcript] 

JOHN KERRY: Good morning. In recent weeks, the president realized what a disaster I am on the international stage. He correctly reasons I would do less damage to the administration as his Number Two.

Joe Biden is uniquely qualified to take the reins at State and oversee the steaming pile of dung Mrs. Clinton and I left him. I have no doubt Joe can handle the load, at least in the short term.

America is a nation in decline, a nation hurtling toward the depths. With his misplaced sense of humor, endearing ineptitude, and characteristic superciliousness, Joe is well-equipped to lead us into irrelevance.

Before we begin the questioning, I would like to offer a few thoughts about my tenure at State and some initiatives I hope Joe will pursue:

. . . defeating the worldwide scourge of male pattern baldness and preventing loss of innocent follicles . . .

. . . extraditing Dick Cheney to The Hague to stand trial for. . .

. . . returning Texas and California to Mexico, from whom we unjustly . . .

. . . calming Americans’ unreasoning dread of a Global Caliphate . . .

. . . reversing the Industrial Revolution, so that the Earth may once again . . .

Now, to save time, we’ll dispense with a self-serving statement from the Ranking Member and go right to questioning. Suit you, Mr. Vice President? 

BIDEN: Sure. [looks into camera and nods at Kerry] Don’t let the long face and sober mien fool ya, folks. Kerry’s a regular guy. The other day we were playin’ bumslap in the locker room at the New York Athletic Club, and he . . . 

KERRY: That was Bob Kerrey, Joe. 

BIDEN: Whatever.  

KERRY: Let’s do a foreign policy word association exercise first.  

BIDEN: Shoot.  

KERRY: Palestinians.  

BIDEN: Give ’em a chunk of money to ignore Israel, then sic ’em on Iran. 

KERRY: Guantanamo. 

BIDEN: Release the detainees. Say, “We grab you on the battlefield again, we’ll shave your beard and feed you pulled pork sandwiches.” To hell with Human Rights Watch.  

KERRY: Nicarugula  

BIDEN: [hesitates] Um, nice, with a light balsamic, maybe some parmesan shards? 

KERRY: Bumslap, huh? Gotcha.  

BIDEN: Damn.  

KERRY: North Korea. 

BIDEN: They’re paranoid. Hand over Bill Clinton to serve as hostage to our good behavior.  

KERRY: Muslim Brotherhood.

BIDEN: Appoint Minister Farrakhan Special Envoy to the brothas.  

KERRY: On a more personal note: what was your proudest moment in the foreign arena as Vice President  

BIDEN: Tell you a story was never reported.

April 2009, a few months after we took over. The standoff between the USS Bainbridge and Somali pirates holdin’ the captain of an American-flagged ship in a lifeboat was in its fourth day and showed no signs of endin’.

I said to the president, “Lemme fly out there, Boss, settle this thing. I grew up with workin’-class stiffs tryin’ to make an easy buck any way they could. I’ll get down and dirty if I hafta.”

The Big O says, “Do it, Joe.”

Twelve hours later I was aboard the Bainbridge and had assumed command of the ship. I parleyed with the pirates in Somali, which I speak fluently. They musta been hopped up. Wouldn’t listen. So, I decided to move on ‘em.

I nixed a proposal for a SEAL dive team to surface next to the boat, climb in and overwhelm the bad guys. “No waterboarding,” I told the SEALs. “Not in this administration.” Instead, I stationed snipers on the ship’s fantail, spottin’ for one of them.

When the time was right, I gave the order and my team took ‘em down. Then I dove in, grabbed our hostage, and got ‘im back to the ship in twelve foot seas. 

KERRY: Amazing.  

BIDEN: Don’t make me out like a hero, now. Just doin’ my job.  

KERRY: How can we prevent such a situation from happening again? 

BIDEN: Piracy was allowed to grow and fester under the previous administration, John. President Bush never reached out to the pirates; he dismissed them as barbarians and thieves.

In fact, the Obama Administration has developed evidence these high seas entrepreneurs often mistakenly target American vessels because of dense fog caused by global warming.

The president authorized me to share ship identification technology with responsible members of the pirate community to reduce the chance of a repeat incident.  

KERRY: Ah, my time’s up. Before I yield, I want to thank Mr. Biden for his advice on registering my yacht in Panama, beyond the reach of Massachusetts tax collectors who . . .

BIDEN: Don’t go there, John.