Thursday, August 15, 2013

Obama War Room: 9:00 a.m., 3:00 a.m.
What Difference Does It Make?

JAY CARNEY: (handing president phone) Biden, sir. Says it’s urgent.

: Cripes, Joe. I’m on the tee in five minutes. I told you to handle things while I’m on holiday. What’s the problem?

A massive blast, a mushroom cloud, and half of Manhattan gone. So? What do you want me to do about it?

Look, just say it was a gas line explosion that could have been prevented had Republicans not blocked investments in the nation’s infrastructure. And from now on I’m incommunicado, understand?

That’s just an expression, Joe. No, I haven’t converted to Catholicism. [hangs up] Sheesh!

VALERIE JARRETT: John Brennan’s on line 2, sir. His people estimate a 9 kiloton bomb detonated in Grand Central’s Main Concourse at 3 a.m. Brennan said he tried to call you but the White House switchboard wouldn’t put him through at that hour.

: It’s on Al Jazeera. Al Qaida’s already taken credit.

: Jay, tell what’s left of the Times and the alphabets to spike al Qaida’s claim. Put Director Brennan on speaker. [pause] John, how sure are you it was a nuke?

: A team from the Nuclear Regulatory Agency is on site, sir. They’re sure.

: Round those people up and have them sign non-disclosure agreements. Then give them new identities and disperse them throughout the country.

: We need a backup story in case the gas line story doesn’t fly, sir.

: Okay, um, a meteorite strike. Or an earthquake. You people work it out. I’m off to the course.

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE: Bo and I are helicoptering to Nantucket this afternoon for a run. I want the island evacuated between 2 and 4 to ensure our privacy. You hear me, Barack?

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