Obama War Room: If It Were Done

OBAMA: So why not just dump this in Congress’s lap. Let them vote “no” on striking Syria and I’m off the hook.

CHUCK HAGEL: Too late for that, sir. Everyone will know it’s a dodge. We have to go through with a military response or look like idiots.

OBAMA: Okay, how about this? I’m having an emergency vasectomy at 3 this afternoon. My last words to the VP before I’m sedated are, “Order a surgical strike on . . .” And then I’m out. Joe, being cautious, hits some abandoned tanks in Damascus. He looks weak, that’s his problem.

BIDEN: Geez, I’d love to Boss, but I’m scheduled for a colonoscopy at 3, so . . . uhh, excuse me! [runs off to the bathroom]

VALERIE JARRETT: Boehner’s next in line, sir. He might act decisively.

OBAMA: Not good. Instead of a ‘’shot across the bow,’’ he’d take Assad out and win the world’s approbation.

JARRETT: If we’re going to do nothing, then we need the mother of all distractions to get Syria off the front pages.

OBAMA: Like what?

JARRETT: Postpone the individual mandate. Or task ATF to begin confiscating firearms from Republicans. Or declare Detroit a ward of the federal government. Or . . .

OBAMA: No, gotta be Syria. I’m boxed in. NSA.

GENERAL ALEXANDER: Yes, sir.

OBAMA: Implement Operation End Run.

BIDEN: End Run?

OBAMA: NSA has the launch codes for Israel’s nuclear tipped cruise missiles. Assad goes up in a mushroom cloud, the evidence clearly shows Israel made the shot. Iran and her surrogates attack Israel. We let them bloody each other before I step in to play peacemaker. In a weakened state, Israel agrees to share their country with the Palestinians. I get another Nobel Peace Prize.

JAY CARNEY: Tiger’s here for your short game tutorial, sir.

OBAMA: Syria can wait. Everyone stay putt--uh, put. I’ll be back in an hour.