I'm Talkin' to You

Oval Office
Presidential Address 

My fellow Americans, 

Except for those who believe their lying eyes, Republicans continue to sabotage our economy in order to make me look bl—uh, bad. 

Or, if it serves your world view better, they are self-styled patriots determined to slow America’s steady march toward economic ruin and international irrelevance. Whatever. 

Twice I’ve sworn an oath to preserve, protect, and defend my right to interpret the Constitution as I see fit, and I intend to keep that promise. 

My allegiance to the Founders’ vision for America is trumped only by my conviction that they got it all wrong. One way or another, I will drag America into a post-Constitutional era in which the rule of law guarantees not just equality of opportunity but equality of outcome, inshallah. 

More than ever, I need a legislature I can completely ignore. Unfortunately, midterms are over a year away, a year likely to be marked by only limited progress in chipping away at your rights because of Congressional obstructionism. 

The time to act is now. As America’s premier Constitutional scholar, I am tonight modeling our cousins across the pond and declaring a vote of ´´no confidence´´ in Congress. Also, by the powers invested in me by me, I order its immediate dissolution. To Justice Scalia I say, how many divisions do you have? Stay out of this if you know what’s good for you. 

Elections will take place in November, 2014 for the 113th Congress. To streamline that body and eliminate gridlock, legislators will be chosen only from west and east coast states, along with representative interior urban centers, such as Chicago, Madison, and Detroit. 

My new Civilian National Security Force, led by Reverend General Louis Farrakhan, will monitor the vote. 

Good night, and peace be upon you.

[to someone off camera] 

What? Oh. I mean, may God help America