Obama War Room: Balk Like an Egyptian

JOHN KERRY: General al-Sisi agreed to accept your call as soon as he’s finished executing someone, sir. He's giving you ten minutes.

OBAMA: What´ll that ten minutes cost us?

KERRY: Fifty M1A2 Abrams tanks and ten million hollow points in various calibers to help keep the peace. On line 2 now.

OBAMA: General! Good to speak with you.

Ignore what you´re hearing, sir. Egypt will receive all twenty F-16 fighters, as promised.

Yes, U.S. law does forbid military aid to leaders of a coup d´etat However, my lawyers will argue that you’ve merely appropriated the media and are controlling the dissemination of news. We’re calling it a coup d’ata, which is a whole different kettle of fish.

Doesn´t matter if it flies. I’ll simply ship the planes, tanks, and ammunition to your Minister of Antiquities. What he does with them is his business.

I’m aware that unrest is spreading, sir. How may I assist you?

Unorthodox but logical, General. My Defense Secretary will coordinate with your people. We may yet stave off a civil war, inshallah. [hangs up]

KERRY: A plan, sir?

OBAMA: The masses need a distraction before internal strife rips Egypt apart. Sisi requested a green light to attack Israel. I agreed. That will rally the country around the military.

KERRY: But when Israel recovers from the surprise . . .

OBAMA: Then I’ll fly to Egypt and broker a peace between rounds of golf at the Katameya Dunes Lake Course in Cairo. Israel accedes or we cut off their aid.

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE: We’re going to Africa again? Let’s take Chicago’s entire South Side with us this time. They´re well-armed, so they´ll be safe in Cairo. We’ll need several aircraft carriers for transport. You hear me, Barack?