Biden on "Meet the Press" (Bumped)

KRISTEN WELKER: Let’s get right to it, sir. What will you say to say to Abbas and Netanyahu at next week’s summit?

BIDEN: I’ll demand Palestinians acknowledge Israel’s determination to stop another holocaust. And I’ll tell Baby our support is unconditional unless Israel refuses to recognize a Palestinian state bent on driving them… into… the…zzzz. [dozes off]

WELKER:[shouting] Sir, sir, stay with me! What’s happening in Gaza now?

BIDEN: [startled]: Where the pyramids are?

WELKER: No, that’s Giza. How about the West Bank?

BIDEN: The big savings and loan in Houston?

WELKER: Never mind. Can you estimate how many Isis/Hamas interlopers are in place in The U. S. today?

BIDEN: Interlopers? Um, [squints at notecards, puts them down] off the top of my head--the middle distance, a handful from Pakistan. Plus another fifty or so five kilometer specialists from northern Africa. And maybe a dozen marathoners from Somalia. The CIA keeps a running total.

WELKER: Is it true we’ve captured a top Isis commander in Syria?

BIDEN: Yes. He arrived in Washington last night and was immediately given his Miranda warning by the DoJ. After he had a good meal and decent night’s sleep, we began interrogating him this morning. I’ve authorized the CIA to waterballoon him, if necessary.

WELKER: Comment on rumors of a possible rapprochement with the Taliban.

BIDEN: Blinken ran a competition at State for the best “Let’s talk” invitation to them. Some guy on the Jamaican desk won with, “Come, Mr. Tali Ban. Dally, you’re bananas. Play this right, mon, we gonna stay home.”

WELKER: Finally, that big spy swap with Russia in 2010 when you were VP has never been fully explained—ten for them, four for us. A bad deal?

BIDEN: Not at all. Check the fine print on the Memorandum of Understanding: we got three more agents to be named later and a first round pick in next year’s draft. ”