BIDEN WAR ROOM: VARIANT (Bumped)

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Where the heck is that killer lockdown Covid variant you promised us, Fauci?

FAUCI [on screen from Shanghai]: I just finished negotiating dispersal protocols with the Chinese, sir. Here’s where things stand: On April 1st, Covid-22 will begin to ravage Southern China. By May 1st, up to 50,000 people will have succumbed, inoculating their government from charges it planned a new pandemic.

ANTHONY BLINKEN: In June, PLA transport ships will drop off 1000 newly infected Chinese nationals at the port of Veracruz They’ll form a caravan and head north to border crossings not in Texas.

ALEJANDRO MAYORKAS: The carriers will be well-provisioned for the march, under orders to share supplies with migrants coming up from Central America. By the time it reaches our border, the caravan may have as many as 20,000 people in various stages of the illness.

PETE BUTTIGIEG: As soon as they cross unimpeded, we’ll have buses waiting to take them to every nook and cranny of the country.

MAYORKAS: Americans will begin dropping like flies by mid-July, sir. You’ll issue your National Lockdown Executive Order before either convention. It’ll be Lockdown 2 on stilts.

BIDEN: A tough but courageous decision on my part to do what’s necessary to save lives. No one could claim I waffled. But I don’t want to weather this one in the White House basement.

JILL BIDEN: Of course, dear. There’s always Camp David and the beach house, not to mention billionaire Democrats offering us their homes in the Caribbean, Hawaii and Belize for the duration.

BIDEN: [whisper/singing a bit of the theme from the 1950s “Rawhide” tv show: “Rollin,’ rollin,’ rollin,’ keep those mail-ins comin,’ and ballot boxes hummin,’ my siiide.”

DAVID AXELROD: Afraid it’s not as simple this time, sir. Republicans are ready for our usual shenanigans.

MERRICK GARLAND: He’s right, sir. To be safe, you’d have to declare a national emergency and postpone federal elections indefinitely. My DoJ lawyers could use Article 1, Section 4 of the Constitution to tie up resolution of the matter for months, perhaps years.

BIDEN: Then I’ll be sittin’ pretty, like Scarface own the city, and the ones who call me dumb, they’ll be suckin’ on their thumb.

BLINKEN: Wow! Did you just make that up, sir? 

JILL BIDEN: No. He borrowed it from a rap Barack wrote ten years ago. When he’s in a good mood, he’ll dredge up something from way back that stuck in his mind.

BIDEN: “Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful bar roooom.”

GARLAND: I know that one. Who’s the artist?

JILL BIDEN: It’s a old group. He calls them The Fifth Dementia. Don’t ask.