Thursday, January 25, 2024

BIDEN WAR ROOM: VARIANT (Bumped)

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Where the heck is that killer lockdown Covid variant you promised us, Fauci?

FAUCI [on screen from Shanghai]: I just finished negotiating dispersal protocols with the Chinese, sir. Here’s where things stand: On April 1st, Covid-22 will begin to ravage Southern China. By May 1st, up to 50,000 people will have succumbed, inoculating their government from charges it planned a new pandemic.

ANTHONY BLINKEN: In June, PLA transport ships will drop off 1000 newly infected Chinese nationals at the port of Veracruz They’ll form a caravan and head north to border crossings not in Texas.

ALEJANDRO MAYORKAS: The carriers will be well-provisioned for the march, under orders to share supplies with migrants coming up from Central America. By the time it reaches our border, the caravan may have as many as 20,000 people in various stages of the illness.

PETE BUTTIGIEG: As soon as they cross unimpeded, we’ll have buses waiting to take them to every nook and cranny of the country.

MAYORKAS: Americans will begin dropping like flies by mid-July, sir. You’ll issue your National Lockdown Executive Order before either convention. It’ll be Lockdown 2 on stilts.

BIDEN: A tough but courageous decision on my part to do what’s necessary to save lives. No one could claim I waffled. But I don’t want to weather this one in the White House basement.

JILL BIDEN: Of course, dear. There’s always Camp David and the beach house, not to mention billionaire Democrats offering us their homes in the Caribbean, Hawaii and Belize for the duration.

BIDEN: [whisper/singing a bit of the theme from the 1950s “Rawhide” tv show: “Rollin,’ rollin,’ rollin,’ keep those mail-ins comin,’ and ballot boxes hummin,’ my siiide.”

DAVID AXELROD: Afraid it’s not as simple this time, sir. Republicans are ready for our usual shenanigans.

MERRICK GARLAND: He’s right, sir. To be safe, you’d have to declare a national emergency and postpone federal elections indefinitely. My DoJ lawyers could use Article 1, Section 4 of the Constitution to tie up resolution of the matter for months, perhaps years.

BIDEN: Then I’ll be sittin’ pretty, like Scarface own the city, and the ones who call me dumb, they’ll be suckin’ on their thumb.

BLINKEN: Wow! Did you just make that up, sir? 

JILL BIDEN: No. He borrowed it from a rap Barack wrote ten years ago. When he’s in a good mood, he’ll dredge up something from way back that stuck in his mind.

BIDEN: “Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful bar roooom.”

GARLAND: I know that one. Who’s the artist?

JILL BIDEN: It’s a old group. He calls them The Fifth Dementia. Don’t ask.

Wednesday, January 24, 2024

BIDEN WAR ROOM: STOPPING THE SLIDE (Bumped)

BARACK OBAMA: Okay, there’s time to turn this around, Joe. The Dem brand is eroding but we still have the Squad and most of the Muslims, the generation ship welfarers, dead urban Democrats, feminists, the Greens, the LGBTQIA crowd, academe and their spawn, our media familiars, the Mediscared, Jews who’ll stay with us no matter what, pro choicers, enfranchised illegals, Antifa, and drug cartel members with dual citizenship.

DAVID AXELROD: Not enough, sir. We need another bloc to put us over the top.

PRESIDENT BIDEN: Hey, you forgot “sucker moms,” Barack!

OBAMA: We’ve lost that demographic, Joe.

BIDEN: Not ‘’Soccer Moms”: ‘’Sucker Moms.’’ Single women who thought the boyfriend would stay around soon’s he found out there was a bâtard in the oven. Millions of 'em in swing states.

OBAMA: And you’re proposing?

BIDEN: I declare marital law—or is it ‘’common-law’’? Whatever. The Joint Chiefs issue a directive defining ‘’deserter’’ as any civilian male AWOL from his family unit. MPs are dispatched to find them and return rhem, wearing ankle bracelets, to their women

OBAMA: That’s good, Joe.

BIDEN: Also, I'll direct Homeland Security to transfer to Washington personnel who are busy ignoring human trafficking on the border. They’d team with FBI agents to track down deadbeat dads and make them pay.

OBAMA: You're cookin, my man.

BIDEN: To top it off, I'll find language in ObamaCare guaranteeing 24/7 Supernanny coverage, contingent on my reelection.

JILL BIDEN: I’d add no-cost tubal ligation. Insurance companies would be free to reject offering these benefits at their peril.

OBAMA: Women’s vote—check.

BIDEN: Less than a year before the vote. Can we keep a lid until then on the Iranians sinking the USS Eisenhower in the Strait of Hormel yesterday?

KJP: You mean the Strait of Hormuz, Mr. President. Hormel is an American company that makes Spam.

BIDEN: What are they doing in the Strait?

JILL BIDEN:   Time for your nap, Joe.

 

 

 

What Biden Might Say in a Lucid Interview (Bumped)

 RACHEL MADDOW: Um, your open borders policy is gutting you in the polls, sir.

BIDEN: Damn the polls! Outliers, Rachel. My gut tells me 96% of registered voters are OK with my invitation to the world’s poor to come to America and share in our bounty at their expense. And they accept the suffering I’ve inflicted on them in pursuit of a permanent Democratic majority, which we’ll have once we’ve fast-tracked citizenship for the refugees.

MADDOW: It’s not just the border, sir. The right, and some on the left, are saying you’ve gone too far in squandering our prosperity to achieve economic parity.

BIDEN: I need to get in the faces of the doubters and say, “You don’t get it, Buddy. I’m on your side. Rogan, Beck, Levin, Coulter, Musk, Hannity and the rest of the loony right are deliberately misrepresenting me. I’m not interested in redistributing wealth. I want to destroy it. The only way Americans will understand government is not the answer is to make it the answer. To paraphrase Marx, the sweetest sound of all is the crumbling of your countrymen’s certainties.

 MADDOW: Karl Marx?

BIDEN: Groucho. Look, Rachel-- civilizations are like people: they’re born, reach maturity , age, then die. One thing great cultures have in common before they become terminal: abundance. Look around you. Our country is so rich its poor are obese.

MADDOW: I think I understand, sir. Before you were elected, Americans were fat and happy, oblivious to history bearing down on them like a bullet train. Now we’re all spooked--we’re wondering if the economy’s going to implode, if North Korea will lob a nuke at Manhattan, if the Houthis will take out one of our carriers, or if you’ll set up a Palestinian enclave in the heartland.

BIDEN: Exactly. Uncertainty and fear are our friends. To weather the existential crisis we face, stave off the long, slow slide into oblivion, perhaps even emerge from the experience revitalized, we must become hungry and fearful, like the least of the nations that envy us now. As the sage opined, “Strive to be one of the many; being one of the few, eschew.”

 MADDOW: Gesundheit, sir.

 BIDEN: It was a quotation, Rachel. Master Po, “Kung Fu.”

MADDOW: So, you’re promoting a nanny state to wreck the economy in order to spark a new American Revolution?

BIDEN: Essentially, yes. In the Forestry service, they call it a “controlled burn.” Devastation, but from the ashes, growth. Couple hundred years, we take our place on the world stage again, stronger than ever.

MADDOW: You are a visionary, sir. But extremists in both parties will make trouble for you.

BIDEN: What happens, happens. “In dreams begin prosecutions.”

MADDOW: Um, F. Scott Fitzgerald?

 BIDEN: Jack Smith.

Biden on "Meet the Press" (Bumped)

KRISTEN WELKER: Let’s get right to it, sir. What will you say to say to Abbas and Netanyahu at next week’s summit?

BIDEN: I’ll demand Palestinians acknowledge Israel’s determination to stop another holocaust. And I’ll tell Baby our support is unconditional unless Israel refuses to recognize a Palestinian state bent on driving them… into… the…zzzz. [dozes off]

WELKER:[shouting] Sir, sir, stay with me! What’s happening in Gaza now?

BIDEN: [startled]: Where the pyramids are?

WELKER: No, that’s Giza. How about the West Bank?

BIDEN: The big savings and loan in Houston?

WELKER: Never mind. Can you estimate how many Isis/Hamas interlopers are in place in The U. S. today?

BIDEN: Interlopers? Um, [squints at notecards, puts them down] off the top of my head--the middle distance, a handful from Pakistan. Plus another fifty or so five kilometer specialists from northern Africa. And maybe a dozen marathoners from Somalia. The CIA keeps a running total.

WELKER: Is it true we’ve captured a top Isis commander in Syria?

BIDEN: Yes. He arrived in Washington last night and was immediately given his Miranda warning by the DoJ. After he had a good meal and decent night’s sleep, we began interrogating him this morning. I’ve authorized the CIA to waterballoon him, if necessary.

WELKER: Comment on rumors of a possible rapprochement with the Taliban.

BIDEN: Blinken ran a competition at State for the best “Let’s talk” invitation to them. Some guy on the Jamaican desk won with, “Come, Mr. Tali Ban. Dally, you’re bananas. Play this right, mon, we gonna stay home.”

WELKER: Finally, that big spy swap with Russia in 2010 when you were VP has never been fully explained—ten for them, four for us. A bad deal?

BIDEN: Not at all. Check the fine print on the Memorandum of Understanding: we got three more agents to be named later and a first round pick in next year’s draft. ”

 


Saturday, January 28, 2023

Birth of a Notion (Bumped)

DR. JILL BIDEN: The President's getting ready for his afternoon game of shuffle ball on the South Lawn.  He's looking in virtually.  [speaks to screen on wall] You OK, dear?

JOE BIDEN: I'm good.   Everyone, Dr. Jill will run the meeting.  I’ll be along in a bit.  Kamala, take notes.  And keep it short, people.  I wanna go for ice cream in Delaware before supper.  Ron, have Air Force One gassed and ready.

RON KLAIN: Uh, before you get to your game, Mr. President, Senator Sanders has delivered a dozen more extra-constitutional executive orders he wants you to sign.

DR. JILL: Klain, look at me when you talk to him.

 

 

BIDEN: Jeez Louise!  That's what, forty EOs Bernie's shoved in my face since the inauguration.  Maybe I just give him my autopen.

KLAIN: He is aggressive, sir.  On the plus side, by the time appeals to overturn them reach SCOTUS, we’ll have packed the Court.  Game over.

BARACK OBAMA: What’s the first order, Ron?

KLAIN: Expanding abortion rights.  We’ve already pushed the envelope to allow mothers to abort fetuses after they’ve exited the womb. This order extends a woman’s right to terminate a pregnancy up to one year after birth.

DR. JILL: His rationale?

KLAIN: Women need more time to determine if they can handle the responsibility of raising a child.   

DR. JILL: If the answer is “no”?

KLAIN: The order permits them to euthanize the potential life form before it becomes fully human at, say, around two. 

[enter the president]

OBAMA: Hmm. Then we  encourage women in this position to work with Planned Parenthood’s licensed body parts harvesters.

BIDEN: Man, that’s tough.  Hey, I got an idea: you’re not sure you wanna keep the proto human life form, you don’t cut the umbilical cord until you’ve made up your mind.  The cord stays on, so what's at the end of it is still part of the woman's body, which is hers to do with as she pleases.

DR. JILL: Works for me. 

KLAIN: The second order recognizes the right of the nation’s LGBTQ animal population to live their lives free from discrimination or hate speech arising from whose butt they just sniffed.

DR JILL: I can live with that.  But include a provision allowing federally funded trans-species surgery if, say, a dog thinks it should have been born a cat. 

KLAIN: Time for one more: Senator Sanders thinks D. C. and Puerto Rico will become states in the near future, padding our numbers in the House and Senate.

BIDEN: So?

KLAIN:  But he believes the Party needs more breathing room.  He recommends cutting California in half, demarcation line being just south of San Francisco-Oakland.  State of Northern California, State of Southern California.  Two more Senate seats.

BIDEN:  No way, José.  The courts will squash us flat with restraining orders.

OBAMA: So we pay no attention to judges or legalities.  Who’s going to enforce orders that we desist?  Us?

DR. JILL: One last thing: how do we ensure next year’s midterms don’t cost us the House and Senate?

SUSAN RICE: We keep giving money to people to stay home instead of work—a powerful incentive to vote Democrat.

BIDEN: I . . .

DR. JILL:  Shuddup, Joe.  I disagree, Susan.  Too speculative. Another idea?  Janet?

JANET YELLEN: We could cut the unemployment rate to zero by hiring all fifteen million officially unemployed to locate and register the sixteen million who’ve stopped looking for work.

BIDEN: Whoa! Then I can truthfully say I created fifteen million good jobs. But what do we do with them when they finish their assignments and identify the sixteen million give-uppers?

RICE: We hire all thirty-one million as Labor Department information specialists. Their job: locate and identify the nation’s twenty million underemployed.

DR. JILL: And then?

OBAMA: I know.  On condition they employ the folks we hired to find them, we award the underemployed federal grants and tax breaks to start or expand small businesses, guaranteeing government to be the primary purchaser of their goods and services.  Failure is impossible.

BIDEN: Let’s go that route, OK Jill?  Oh, man, two years from now, we’ll be dealing with a labor shortage. Can we hold Trump responsible should that happen?



Tuesday, November 8, 2022

Bunker Mode - Reprise/Update

                                     [klaxon sounds]

NANCY PELOSI: Red Alert! Damn! Get to your stations, people. Moving to DEFCON 1—imminent loss of the House. Steny, talk to me!

HOYER: [points to computer screen] Look here, Commander: concession rumors, rising in the blogosphere. We’re shooting them down as fast as we can, but some are getting through.

PELOSI: Stay on it. Target their launchers.

RON KLAIN: A Fox News recon team is probing our perimeter, Ma’am. 

PELOSI: Probably Tucker Carlson’s unit. Release the dogs.

CHUCK SCHUMER: Murray, Kelly, and Fetterman report taking direct hits from late running precision-targeted spots. They’re requesting additional air support. Uh, we lack the resources to . . . 

PELOSI: I know. Triage Warnock and Hassan.

HOYER: Keith Olbermann on line 2, Nancy.

PELOSI: On speaker. Keith, how can I . . .

OLBERMANN: Hey Nancy. {whispers] What are you wearing?

PELOSI: [hangs up] Creep.

 Pelosi Considers Banning All Motorcycles

JAMES CLYBURN: It’s looking dire in Western Pennsylvania.  We need a miracle. Lord forgive us for sending those poor souls into battle with our pathetic record on their backs.

PELOSI: Don’t give up yet. [dials phone] Merrick? Activate “Operation Fat Tuesday,” Sector Tango. [hangs up; dials another number] Panther Central, this is Mother Load [sic]. You’re on.

CLYBURN: What’s happening?

PELOSI: Our Philly allies will deliver squads in civvies to designated polling places in the region just before 8:00 p.m. A sympathetic judge has agreed to extend voting hours in those stations until midnight to avoid disenfranchising anyone.

HOYER: Then, under cover of darkness, SEIU press gangs will sweep the streets and homeless shelters, pick up thousands of vagrants, transport them to the polls, and help them cast ballots. It’ll cost us some cigarettes.

Senator Durbin on line 3 from the Senate bunker.

SCHUMER: On Speaker. Dick, what’s up?

DURBIN: The election is lost.

PELOSI: [signals Hoyer to break the connection] Loser.

PRESIDENT BIDEN: When are we going for ice cream?

DR. JILL BIDEN: Soon, dear.  Here, have a lollypop to tide you over.

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE: To clarify—the president will make an important announcement on the dairy industry and the need to reduce cow flatulence.

OBAMA: The action’s heating up in Wisconsin and Nevada.

PELOSI: Dispatch force multiplier teams to hot zones in those states. They’ll assist indigenous troops in door-to-door and phone bank offenses.

KLAIN: Barney Frank is on line 2. He insists on speaking with you, sir.

PELOSI: [grabs phone] Hey Barney, you . . .

FRANK: Don’t interrupt me, Nancy. I . . .

PELOSI: [breaks connection] No more calls, Steny.

SCHUMER: Just talked with Governor Hochul. She’s ringing voting sites in GOP suburban strongholds with acoustic repulsors, but she’s running short. Wants to know if we can spare a few.

PELOSI: Negative.  Ron, are all our PSYOPS units deployed?

KLAIN: Yes, Ma’am. Unmarked vans are cruising tossup districts in seventeen states, blasting out, “VOTE REPUBLICAN” at an eardrum-shattering 150 decibels.

HOYER: Situation reports are beginning to come in from the Midwest, Commander. We’ve identified three dozen contests trending more heavily to the enemy than expected.

PELOSI: Key in the pre-programmed Code Red mass emergency phone notification system for GOP neighborhoods in those precincts. Word the message this way: “Warning: you’re advised to lock your doors and stay home until polls close and the danger of voting Republican has passed.”

SCHUMER:  Karine, alert Blitzer and the other network anchors to begin spreading disinformation on poll closing times at 4:00 p.m. eastern.

Ron, what’s the status of our effort to disrupt Fox’s reporting?

KLAIN: When Hannity comes on, Brian Stelter will place an anonymous call to Fox and warn them the show is a bomb in their lineup. Good chance Fox execs will misconstrue and evacuate the building.

PELOSI: Our legal teams report in?

HOYER: All fifty are in place. They’ll challenge any contest we lose by ten percent or less. Democratic Secretaries of State are standing by to assist.

CLYBURN: A lot of our people are in harm’s way, Commander. A word from you would raise morale.

PELOSI: I’ll text them this: “We shall fight them in the sushi bars, we shall fight them on the campuses, we shall fight them in the Starbucks. I shall remain a big spender. I have nothing to offer but mud, debt, and a shot and a beer.”

HOYER: Nancy, will you pull the trigger on “Operation Scorched Earth” if you lose the Speakership?

PELOSI: Yes, though he doesn’t exist, may God forgive me. I’ll signal Globe Magazine to drop the “Trump and Epstein--In Bed Together?” bomb in a special post-election edition.

BILL CLINTON: Nancy, no! The fallout!

PELOSI: Who let Clinton in here?