This was inspired by Lawrence Ferlinghetti's poem "I Am Waiting," from A Coney Island of the Mind, (1958). An earlier version appeared in my book, You Hear Me, Barack? PC-Free Conservative Satire.
I am waiting for Kamala Harris
to add some protein
to her word salads
and I am waiting for President Biden
to eat a copy of the Constitution
and tell us if it’s binding
and I am waiting for Greg Gutfield
to be invited on The View
and I am waiting for
George Soros
to endow the Pravda Chair
at the Columbia University School of Journalism
and i am waiting for the administration
to ok construction of the keystone pipeline
on condition it carries no oil
and I am really waiting
for Michelle Obama to say
she’ll still love
America
if Kamala Harris is not elected
I am waiting for someone to explain
how Trump is just like Hitler
and I am waiting for “pork barrel”
to disappear from the lexicon
because it offends CAIR
and I am waiting for Stephen Colbert
to make me laugh
and I am waiting for the administration to admit
the push to EVs
has not been grounded in reality
and I am really waiting for Madonna
to declare she’s old as hell
and she’s not gonna shake it anymore
I am waiting for NOVA
to declare an imminent extinction event
involving NPR and PBS
and I am waiting for Dan Rather
to wrap up his career
like a tortilla at a street stand in Juarez
and I am waiting for Google
to characterize the FBI’s document dumps
as scatological
and I am waiting for 60 minutes
to run out the clock
and I am really waiting for Hillary Clinton
to go back to Chappaqua
and have teas and bake cookies
I am waiting for the FCC
to scrap its proposal
to monitor hateful thoughts
and I am waiting for someone
to interrupt Bill O’Reilly
and I am waiting for Carville and Matthews
to join a group for anger management issues
and I am waiting for Tim Waltz
to create a GoFundMe account
for the People’s Republic of China
and I am waiting for the New York Times
to offer new subscribers lunch at Gramercy Tavern
with Krugman and Dowd
and i am waiting for the AARP! AARP!
to stop woofing submissively
when Schumer says "heel"
and I am really waiting for Old Media
to request end-of-life counseling